Congratulations, You Just Gave Birth to a Screaming Dictator!

Let me be clear: I love my baby. I really do.

But that first week home? I was 97% nipple, 2% snack crumbs, and 1% soul.

No one prepares you for postpartum life. Sure, they prep you for labour and teach you how to breathe like you’re about to give birth to a dolphin in a yoga class—but once the baby is out? It’s crickets. No manual. No hotline. Just you, your leaky boobs, and a tiny dictator who doesn’t care that you haven’t slept since the last season of Stranger Things.

So here it is.

The survival guide you actually need—told by a mom who lived it, laughed at it, and almost cried into a diaper once.

Grab your coffee (if it’s still warm, you’re a goddess), and let’s dive into How to Survive Your Baby (And Yourself).

1. Sleep Is Cancelled—Welcome to the 3 AM Club

"Sleep when the baby sleeps" is hands down the most unrealistic advice ever invented.

Are we also supposed to cook when the baby cooks? Shower when the baby showers?

Your baby is basically running an all-night rave in your house, and you’re the unpaid staff. Sleep becomes a luxury—like silk robes or drinking coffee while it's still hot.

Hack:

Sleep in layers. 12 minutes here. 8 minutes there. You'll start dreaming in GIFs, but hey, it's something.

2. Self-Care? More Like Self-Delusion

Pre-baby self-care: spa days, books, face masks.

Post-baby self-care: peeing with the door closed and maybe brushing one tooth before someone cries.

Your new skincare routine? Baby wipes. Your me-time? Hiding in the bathroom pretending to poop.

Reminder: You’re not failing if your idea of luxury is silence and stretchy pants.

3. Energy Is a Myth—Caffeine Is Religion

You will be tired in ways that sleep cannot fix.

There’s emotional tired, mental tired, “I just cried over a missing sock” tired. And then there’s "the baby’s been fed, changed, rocked, and still screams at me like I insulted their ancestors" tired.

Hack:

Caffeine, carbs, and lowering expectations. In that order.

4. Social Life? LOL. Try Group Chats and Memes

Remember friends?

They’re now voices on the other end of a “help me I’m drowning in diapers” voice note.

You won’t see anyone in real life for months unless it’s a pediatrician or delivery driver. But that’s okay. Group chats, memes, and chaotic TikToks become your social lifeline.

Send a reel. Laugh-cry. Repeat.

5. Mom Hacks You Didn’t Ask For But Desperately Need

• Dry shampoo is sacred. Showering is optional.
• Snacks in every room. Including the bathroom.
• Let the baby nap in the carrier. Become one with the baby burrito.
• Amazon subscription for diapers. Never run out. Never cry over an empty pack again.

Is it perfect? Nope.

Is it survival? Absolutely.

6. The Moment You Realize You’ve Got This

You’ll be holding your baby one day, hair unwashed, dark circles doing the most, surrounded by chaos—and they’ll smile at you. Like really smile.

And just like that, you’ll forget the 27 times you almost Googled “can I survive motherhood with snacks and sarcasm alone?”

Because that smile? It’s everything.

You are exhausted. You are powerful. You are showing up. And you are doing better than you think.

Final Thought:

Motherhood isn’t Pinterest-perfect. It’s messy, loud, and sometimes smells like sour milk.

But if you can laugh through it—even a little—you’re not just surviving, you’re thriving.

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P.S. Want the full sarcastic survival guide with all the mom hacks, hilariously real advice, and probably too many references to snacks?

Grab my hialious and beautifully designed digital magazine:

click: “The Postpartum Survival Guide: How to Survive Your Baby (And Yourself)”

Available now for fellow zombie moms who just want to laugh instead of scream.