Chained Up to a Memory

What is memory? How it affects us, and why do we have it? Does it stay or after time becomes transparent? This question has no exact answer. Memory can bring a smile into a face or tears and pain to the person. It can hold you in either way if it is a burst of sunshine like a moment or coldest and deepest fear. How does it happen? The main answer is fear. When past days were too good, we are afraid that it will never be the same. It makes us feel depressed, hopeless and filled with sour fear. Also, when the past has been cold and dark, we are afraid to feel it again. My mother has taught me how to get rid of the chains and cliffs of the past. Get ready to dive into the memory of mine.

Winter 2015:

My mother got a new job outside of our country. The position is located in Amman, Jordan, which really far and we needed to take two flights to get there in cold winter. My life has always been hectic. My family likes to make decisions spontaneously and without a reminder. It was not the first time we moved to another country without noticing and saying goodbye to friends and family. In 2011, we moved to Qatar, and I had no knowledge of English at all. However, it was a bittersweet memory. I have experienced bullying in school and spent my best time with family outside of school. I was not really afraid of bullying in a new place, but it has repeated. Thanks to God, it was not severe compared to the events 4 years ago.

Spring 2015:

My parent has decided that school that is closer to our house. We went and got accepted to the "best school" in the whole city. At first, everything was going well; we met new people, and it looked like the pages of the past will not repeat. However, pages turned into a similar copy of the past. Suddenly, after a month in school, everyone started to ignore me and act like I am an idiot in the room.

Summer 2015:

The school has finally ended, and summer started. I was emotionally exhausted and thought of how it will be great to go back to the people and places I know. So I was not coming out of the room very often and spend most of the time reading books and listening to music. I wanted to get lost in the letters of the story and swim in the melodies of the music. I remember imagining different realities of my life, composing new scenarios and sonata of teenage life every day. I found peace in the art of words and music.

Fall 2015:

In motionless summer, I have gained a lot of weight, which lowered my already low confidence. But knowing that I was unmotivated to change anything. Returning to school has changed nothing; people started to ask why my eyes are small and why I am so tall for an Asian girl. It was hitting me right to the spot, more and more. Every week I was doing anything just not to go to school. However, I tried not to show how it hurts to be me in this world. I was trying hard to keep a heavy bag of sadness and disappointment in people on the other side of the door. Because as soon I was entering the house and saw my mother's eyes everything felt different. My mother has always been my safe place to forget everything and just be there in harmony.

All of this was noticed by my Mom. She saw that I am no longer the same as I used to be. The light and shine have vanished from almond-shaped brown eyes. The cloak of confidence has been lost, and her lovely flower is dying. The petals were worn off, and the leaves were dry. Like any other mother, she started to worry about me, and she called me for a talk. It was late at night; my mother and I were lying on the queen-sized bed and talking about everything on the earth. She said:

- My little flower, I know you are experiencing hard times in your teenage life. But not everything is so wrong. You can always look and search for the positive sides of the live episodes. When one door closes, another opens. Do not let some people that you gonna not meet again ruin all your future. Everything has its limit, and it will end soon too. I see you are chained up by past friends and beautiful events.

Nevertheless, this period has ended, and you need to move forward. It could be sad- I know- to let go, but you need to do it. You are young, and your book of life is still fresh. So take a pen, write your own story, and make them colorful and full of beautiful emotions, actions, and stories. You are strong and unique in the way you are. Please do not let past to rotten your roots and stop you. Imagine staying in front of the past moments, and people and wave to them say thank you and turn away.

Most importantly, do not look back when you are going away. I am not telling you to forget everything; I just want you not to get attached to the past. It is the memory it has ended, and only vivid moments are fixed in our brain that is elegant as the artwork of the glass and warm as a room with a fireplace in the coldest winter night. Let chains go and fly away into the bright future that awaits you.-

After all these words, I felt that my eyes have opened, and the heaviness of incidents has been lifted. Terms of support and love of my mother made me wanna live my life to the fullest. Wonderful how simple words can stop the bleeding of the wounds and pain of the deepest scars. This advice has totally changed how I looked at life. Motivation went through my veins, and once again, I started to feel the excitement of the upcoming days. We have changed school, begun to exercise and take care of my health, started a notebook of the writings, and drawings began to have colors again. Now I have finished school and moved to Canada to study. I have begun a new page and let go of all the school years, leaving only good memories. She is far in a different country, but together with me in the clouds of the sky.

My life has just started, and I will keep moving forward and facing all difficulties and changes with a smile on my face and a cloak of confidence on my shoulders. For all, I would like to thank my mother, who raised me and still holding my hand by supporting me no matter what I will choose.

I Love You, MOM