Behind the Beat

My favorite songs are always the songs that communicate a message that can only be

expressed thru song. Behind the beat is a story that can only be conveyed with a

melody. Songs that sing the words you cannot say. My family has a tradition of not

saying things of not talking about things. I’ve come to accept it, especially now that I am

an adult. I grew up in a Pentecostal church when i was young they were extremely

strict. Now they aren’t quite as restrictive, but they still have rather conservative ideas

about things like women’s rights and sexuality so we just don’t talk about those things in

my family. In fact, I believe I had two cousins that were queer, bisexual or gay. I don’t

know exactly where they fell on the spectrum but one of them was “fixed”. The other we

don’t talk about. He moved away when I was in my teens and I never heard his name

again, not once.

The last time I went to the church I grew up in was for my grandfather’s funeral. My

grandfather was a very noble man. He helped relocate every one of his siblings from

Alabama to Chicago one at a time. He was also the first person to ever ask me to sing

for an audience in fact I decided to sing the same song for his funeral. I spent countless

hours trying to craft the perfect words to dedicate the last performance for the first

person to ask me to sing for them. During the ceremony they skipped where i was

supposed to sing my song. I was nervous but then became confused. I pointed out to

my mother that they had skipped my song! She got an usher and after a little back and

forth she told me that they had just moved my song to later. I sensed that there was

something else she wasn’t saying. Perhaps she had to plead to have me sing? I don’t

know. We never talked about it. She did say to me however, “when it's almost time for

you to perform you should go up to the pulpit so the paster knows that you’re ready.” I

thought to myself "how could they? no, Why would they do this? Are they trying to

silence me”? Do they not want me to speak in their church because I am a sinner?

This is my grandfather my last performance for my grandfather. I walked up to the pulpit

half expecting to have to force my way to the mic I didn’t think they would physically

stop me from saying the words that I had to say. I didn’t think they would be that

irrational. I was right but they were far more cunning in their cruelty. When it was time

for me to sing the pastor gestured at me and whispered in my ear “Don’t talk, Don’t

speak. Don’t say a thing just sing” as she cued the pianist to start playing. I was caught

off guard. For what seemed like an eternity, I didn’t know what to do. I thought, “No I will

just say what I have to over the music before I sing” but he had already been vamping

sometime and I couldn’t recall my first words. It was then I decided to rely on the power

of music the ability to say the unspeakable thru song and I sang.. If I can help

somebody as I pass along. If i can cheer somebody with a word or song. If I can show

somebody that they are traveling wrong then my living shall not be in vain.