Baby M^3

Dear Baby M^3,

Blood work is so confusing. Making decisions is so hard right now for you guys... everything is hard. Your daddy got me some of the blood work that the OB I found said that she needed to know. I am confused by my blood work and medical history.

In some places in my medical history, it says that I have a negative blood type - and in other places, it says that I have a positive blood type. If I am negative, I have been told that I might need a shot (before I knew your daddy's blood type). I don't like the list of side effects. I don't like any of this. Shots and IV's can bypass a lot of the bodies built in protections: religiously speaking they need to be prayed hard about and medically speaking I have so many sensitivities that it just holds a lot of concerns.

In the time spent worrying and waiting, I made my decision. I was grateful to your daddy for keeping his word there at least - and grateful to the OB for double checking everything on her end. The OB wasn't sure about trusting a text message, but my decision had already been made, so she respected my choice with my body - at least on that one.

I had a lovely chat with a colleague of hers about what to do regarding my apparent malnutrition while unable to stomach hardly anything besides chips and ice cream. I was very grateful to already have a prescription for nausea medication that is safe in pregnancy, so that helped a little bit. Their solution? 2 shakes a day with fruits (banana + berries or melons or tropical fruit), spinach, flaxseed, dairy milk (since this pregnancy I seem to be tolerating dairy better than while pregnant with your siblings - who turned out to be allergic, so maybe Baby M^3... you aren't allergic?), and yogurt. Along with cheese and crackers at least once a day. I had to fix the shakes... spinach does not mix well with any of the other ingredients!!! So, I just eat the spinach separately now. Hopefully my next blood work will be much better...

The OB wants an ultrasound to check on things... I had it originally scheduled for the 9th, but then things happened with your siblings... and so I postponed it. No one is happy with me over it, but... in this situation, your siblings do come first. I feel like I am pulled in so many directions and like I am never going to be able to handle everything. I'm not happy with either guy that may be stuck in my life with what I know about Minnesota's systems.

There are more complications in my life, but... I am trying my darlings... I am trying to juggle everything.

Part of me really hopes that you guys don't get my heart because I still care way too much about those other fellows that I am not happy with at this moment in time. The one, his birthday is coming up, and despite my feelings, I know that he will get a birthday gift... and the other I really hope I will not have to track him down for the paperwork that I had asked him to fill out for when you guys are born.

Everything is so overwhelming right now and professionals are concerned about how I am compartamentalizing everything. No one is allowed to know everything - despite my life working so much better when everyone is on the same track for ideas.

I did tell your siblings about you - or at least that I had a baby growing in my tummy. They are excited about your existence. Your sister wants a baby sister "Jane" and your brother wants a baby brother "Thomas/Tom". They were fighting over naming you and I don't want to tell them that I have more than one baby - in case one/two of you die. I told them that for now, Mama has named the baby: Baby M. Your brother knew why I picked M right away.

Your brother misses your daddy... and when he wants to see your daddy, I feel so angry. Not at you guys or your brother, but at your daddy. Because I am having to deal with an emotional complication, while still dealing with my own emotions, that should not have occurred based on my last talk with your daddy and his comments. I don't like feeling anger, nor do I believe it is good for my kiddos... none of you need me angry or stressed!

I am getting a lot of practice in of reminding both your brother, your sister, and myself that when you love someone, you don't cage them... you don't trap them... you don't force them to stay somewhere they don't want to be... and sometimes that means that goodbyes have to be said.

And that makes me angry at myself because... I still love many people who broke pieces of me. No matter how much I miss them, I will never try to force them to stay because that is not what love is. And I hate crying over the loses that I have faced... the connections that I thought were really special... only maybe they were only special to me?

I don't talk about it very much with my professionals though... I have too much going on to focus on anything too deep. So, I will attempt to continue avoiding the start of the intense grieving period for everything I have lost: connections, trust, safety, hope, and the belief that if I followed all of the right/correct steps that a better outcome would occur.

I also try to avoid hating anyone... it spends more energy on them than allowing the disconnect of loving them in a way that wishes them the life they want and knowing that I will never be a substantial part of the life they are creating... yet it is less painful than accepting that life and love only means goodbyes in the end. Every. Single. Time.

I really hope that I am doing right by all of you... your sibling's are getting used to baby proofing steps downstairs. I, on the other hand, am not. I do not like these changes! Or the feeling that I am running out of time already as I finish the 1st trimester...

I love you! Please stay with me despite my feelings of discomfort over all of the changes. I will do my best to give you the lives that you all deserve... just... stay...

Please don't let my heart break further dear God. Protect us all please - and thank you, Amen.

I love you all so much!

Love, Mama