Baby M^2

Dear sweet babes,

I keep wondering if I am feeling you kick. I know that it is still early, but... I feel little butterflies at times. I know that it is probably just gas, but... I hope that it is you guys! Your siblings told me that they felt you, so maybe?!

I was late seeing my OB again, but not terribly late... your uncle's horse, Chrissy, died. My OB was amazing and rescheduled for a weekend visit because I needed to take your grandmother back to help with... everything. The sadness was starting to catch up with me... and then more happened...

My OB is pushing for me to allow her to send a referral to a specialist. She thinks that one of you has a heart issue - a blood flow not going where it is supposed to go issue. She thinks it is likely that I will lose the baby was the heart defect. She thinks that the healthy baby is going to be put at risk because of where it implanted. She doesn't think that a surgery would be possible, but doesn't know for sure - hence the referral.

I don't want this pregnancy to be used against me. Professionals who are concerned that I won't share the full picture with them want to know how I see this being used against me... I don't have the words to explain it to them my dear little's. How does one explain that since I have been surprised by so much being used against me, that the fact that I can't put this worry into words makes me more afraid. Because I don't know how to describe yet how it could be used against me.

Then a professional slipped. And I found some of the words. Perhaps I am taking things harder because of the hormones of pregnancy. Perhaps I am... does that really take away from the nightmare that I am living? Does my hormones change the facts surrounding what was done? Does my hormones make the terror of certain, innocent words being overheard become irrelevant?

I'm a high risk pregnancy... I'm looking at bed rest to try to keep them in the next few weeks if I can't get my blood pressure under control. My OB wants me off of my newest medication. But, without it? Everything is horrible and sucks more than right now. I hate a daily medication... I hate even more one that is multi-times a day! But, I have to begrudgingly admit that it is actually helping - even though I feel so conflicted still about it. I don't know if I can handle all of ... this ... without it because I am barely holding things together WITH it. My psychiatrist agreed that I should stay on it since I am functioning better, but if I cannot get my blood pressure down... then we'll talk about lowering the dosage...

I am staring at the pills the OB ensured that I brought home with me. They are supposed to make you guys just disappear. It is perfectly legal. It is medically indicated with concerns about placental placement and heart defects. But, your hearts are beating. I heard them. You are alive. You are my babies. How can I take your lives?

The pills call to me though... they would solve a number of problems. They'd solve some of my health concerns. They'd solve people using a pregnancy to dismiss or distract from the other stuff that I am currently dealing with right now. But, to me, for me to take them it would be murder. Murder over a potentiality.

Maybe I am meant to murder though? Maybe this whole journey is to teach me to let go of my self-control and my values? I mean, I don't judge other women who chose this path, so... maybe I should also choose this path. A professional said something about letting go of control and to just worry about what I am doing for your siblings. Maybe I should let go of control... I'm not sure that they meant what they said, but I am too tired to care about reading between the lines and trying to decipher what they mean.

The guy I was smiling at text messages from? Yeah... he isn't sticking around - but that was my decision as I am not ready to build towards anything at this point in time with my life as much on fire as it is...

I guess that thing I was feeling in my stomach is called an instinct? It isn't paranoia... and now I am mad - and crushed - because I've been told for so long to ignore that feeling, only now? Now I get told that I was supposed to have been taking it into account ALL of this time!!!

No worries... I feel lost and like I am never going to be okay again, but I won't kill you. I asked for help... didn't get a lot of aid... but I know who I am and I am not the girl who takes the easy way out at another's expense. I asked, begged for help with a problem with your siblings too... and got? Nothing. The pills call to me again despite my decision: do I really want to bring more life into this world that will end up having the innocence stripped from it forcefully, no matter how much I try to treasure that nature?

The darkness inside of me calls as well. I know at least one person who would be very happy if I was dead. Is that what releasing control really about at the end of the day? I know that it is not... or at least I thought I did... but so many things are changing and leaving me shocked and processing and ... maybe it is what is need to fix this? Because I feel something inside me dying over what is happening with your siblings. I feel like I will kill part of myself if I take the pills... and I feel like if I lose you guys, that another part of myself will die. How many pieces of me can be killed off before I am nothing?

Focus on self care they keep recommending... what self care? Trying to convince myself that there is justice anywhere in this world? Trying to convince myself that it matters what I've lived through? The professionals wanted me to see the grey area... and in the grey area, it does not matter. Nobody gives a damn about the truth. The truth hurts their feelings, their egos. They ask questions, but not to learn and understand - just to get mad when active listening skills get applied to them...

I want to protect you guys Baby M squared. But I can't protect you once you are outside of my body. *cries* Anyone can hurt you. Why? Because hurting my babies, my children is the last way to break me. And no one cares enough to stop it! But, then again, maybe I should just stop caring so much. Just stop loving with all of my being. Let the darkness in...

The testing that I got is positive. I have a new diagnosis and my head hurts so much after the last of the testing and I really want to rewrite most of those test questions! Now what is the question... what do I do with this information on top of all of the rest of the last three month's worth of emotions? I am overloaded and I know that I am hitting my limit... the psychologist I saw had concerns too. She said that I have this new diagnosis and schizophrenia, but that those things when put together generally have low IQ and I don't appear to have a low IQ. Maybe the reason that I have done this well is because of my high IQ? I don't remember how high it was and maybe I'll have to look into getting retested...

In the time that I have spent going back and forth on the medication way of escaping this bit of stress in my reality, I had a little bit of bleeding. I sent my OB a message and she said that she might have been wrong. I will not be taking the medication and see her on the 8th. She said to prepare to only have 1 of you remaining, but that hopefully this means that the healthy baby will stay. I didn't bleed much though, so maybe it was something else? I don't want another loss.

God, please let my twins both stay healthy. Thank you for entrusting them to me. Thank you for helping me know that I cannot take the easy way out despite the pills staring at me. Please be with their daddy - I don't want him to be hurting or sad. Give him reasons to smile. He may not be friends with me, but You know that when I give my word, I give it whole-heartedly. I am trying to respect him removing me from his life, but... I still see him as ... a friend? A friend who broke something, but things break at times and I can still wish the best for those who emotionally hurt me oh so very much. It probably was my own fault though, not his fault - especially with this newest diagnosis, so I do want You to bless him if it is Your will. Please be with my older kiddos. Thank you for helping my oldest with his gentle hands and help me know how to respond to my youngest's feelings. Thank you for an amazing cardiologist - even if they are also confused as to why I won't let them talk to my OB - and for giving me the reassuring answer that I am not the reason that one of them might have a heart defect. Help me stay strong for everyone who needs me to stay stable right now. Thank you. Amen.

I love you Baby M squared... so very much! I promise that I will do my best to give you the life you deserve - even if all of these changes are making me feel like screaming! I trust that I can handle both of you (and your older brother and sister too!)... and doctor's don't always know everything... so I believe that you both will be just fine. "We will be okay."

Love,

Mama