Baby M^2

Dear Baby M "Jane" & Baby M "Thomas/Tom",

I'm praying that you both are alright. I am refusing to let any provider check on you guys... because I am so scared. I am scared that I have failed to protect you both and I am afraid that if I find out for sure that I will break completely.

I think that I still felt you guys kick though, so we are going to go with you both being fine. Just fine. I don't know who to trust... and the doctor I was seeing is going to freak out when she sees my face - just like everyone local has freaked out. I'm scared. But I am not allowed to be.

It was for your sister I guess... but, I'm not sure why anyone would want to hurt me over her. I'm not entirely sure that I was meant to make it back home that evening. *cries* I should've watched my surroundings better. I'm so sorry for my levels of stress... I know that it isn't good for you guys.

I love you both. I love your brother and your sister. I am doing everything that I can do for all four of you, but I fear that it is and will never be enough. It hasn't been enough to date, but we'll have to see if I can muster enough to make it enough for you all.

Your brother keeps wanting to build a crib for the baby. He is so excited and your sister is loving that there is a baby at daycare now! They are both sure that they will teach you so much! <3 I love their eagerness to share our lives with more. I know that your brother had a little bit of a hard time when your sister was born, but I am hopeful that I will continue to do a good job of making sure that all of you have 1 on 1 time with Mama.

I'm not sure what I am gonna do for daycare when you guys are born. I'm not sure what this will mean for your siblings and school next year since I'll be due right around August 31st.

I went out on a date despite the mark on my cheek and all of the reasons why that is a stupid idea. Ice cream and a hike... it was good for my soul and he was a nice guy. He says that I am sweet and nice... and very surprising. I told him that I needed specifics... and he asked before kissing me. Then his specifics used language that made me uncomfortable... so, I don't think that I'll be seeing him again. There's only been a handful of guys who have compared me to a dog and none of them end up seeing more than my colder side after they say that to me... hang on... women and men both fit in there.

On the bright side, your mama can 1. push a draft horse around, so a egotistical idiot is easy enough to handle - gotta love pressure points... and 2. your uncle's career path came up - and I'm still not sure why that makes a white face go whiter when one is maybe trying something they shouldn't. I'm still very confused as to how I managed to make the switch that quickly from nice and sweet to a female dog, but by the time we parted ways, he had a new definition of if you call someone a doggy and get pushy, then you run the risk of getting bit. At least I probably don't have rabies, right? haha

Mama found a new doctor.

Mama trusted someone new.

Mama is trying to embrace better connections that can understand her without calling her reality into question.

Mama is house shopping.

Mama is planning on selling a bunch of stuff to make sure that her babies are well taken care of.

Mama is avoiding letting anyone touch you guys though... because Mama is afraid that she is wrong, afraid that she is right, afraid that she will break into a million pieces...

I want your daddy. But, I am simply a "fun time" - a "sweet girl" - a distraction... and I don't want to be those things. I am a woman who is going to make something out of her life. I am a woman who is smart and intelligent with a heart of gold. I am a woman who will always be too broken to build with anyone. I am the woman who took a risk... and learned an important lesson. I hate that I watch Seinfeld now and smile through the sadness. I hate that I still dream of your daddy's brown eyes as they sparkle when he is excited about something, but I pray that you both get that sparkle... and that no one ever dims it.

Your daddy loved this shirt... and it was worn on many of the big occasions. It was fitting to make sure that I got a baby bump picture with it and the skirt that I love.

God, please let my fears be wrong. Please help me make the appointment to check on my twins. Please hold me close. Please show me that justice is a real thing. Please... give him a woman of his dreams and soothe my heart. Please help me know what to do with this diagnosis. Please let me sleep again without dreaming of the past - or of people I love who walked away from me. Thank you, Amen.

I love you Michelle Jane & Thomas Michelangelo!

Love, Mama