Baby M^2

Dear little ones,

I finally got in to see my OB. It was good because I had been told that I might be bleeding because one or two may be "vanishing." Vanishing twin syndrome is what the OB said, but it didn't make sense with 3 little bodies... I guess that is the only name for it though.

I cried. And grieved. And maybe felt a bit of relief... because... I should be able to handle two babies. Then I felt guilty for being relieved. Just because I am doing this alone, doesn't mean that I should not be super grateful for each little gift that God has sent to me - who He has entrusted me to keep safe.

I had known that this was a possibility since my first ultrasound, but I didn't realize that it would come with so very many emotions!

My blood work is looking better & I've been doing much better with the shakes. You guys still love your ice cream and those chips! I have given up arguing with you about the chips... lol And after the 1 (and only!) time that I ran out of your chips, well, let's just say that your grandma is horrified at the stockpile I have made... hehehe

I had told your daddy about there being more than one of you... and with the loss, I was able to follow through and give him the one thing I had promised that I would update him on. One of my friends let me know that part of what I had said was cruel, but I really don't understand how. I cried after she had said that. I didn't want to be cruel towards your daddy, nor was that any intention of mine... even if I am angry. I was straight forward and honest in what I hope for him: his happiness and what he had shared that would make him happy. He, like all of us, deserves a life filled with whatever he wants in it.

I may not trust him because I feel like he lied to me and used me - simply discarding me when he had better prospects, but... maybe he didn't lie... Maybe it is a grey area where 2 people do not have the same definitions for the same words? I know that your sibling's dad used that weakness of mine on me, so maybe ... just maybe ... this was an innocent breakdown and not lies. He did get me those papers and the blood work answers that my OB needed/I wanted, after all. Or maybe I am just being naive and stupid for even considering it as an option.

Love doesn't trap. Love doesn't control. Love hurts like hell though. Why do I love with as much of myself as I do? Why can't I just... stop? But, do I want to just stop? I'm not sure... but I'm just tired and fighting a numbness that is becoming more persistant. Maybe I want to keep loving like this since I am terrified of the numbness?

I may have found someone else, I may not have... I keep thinking that it is a terrible idea, but I am finding myself smiling at my phone again. *sigh* It isn't fair to anyone to be in this journey with me. My "invisible friends" don't even like being on this journey with me ... and that is saying a lot! We will have to see what I decide here... he is a sweet guy, but he deserves someone without my baggage and there are some potential red flags that I have already spotted, but I don't have the words to name them.

I am still doing the best I can with your siblings. It is never enough though. It will never be enough. I already missed something that I had never thought I'd need to prepare for and it took too long to get answers, so the answers are simply "we don't know for sure." I thought that your siblings could be understood well... I was wrong on that part too. *sobs* I thought that they had been making fantastic progress, but I guess not enough for where/when it really would count.

I don't know why God is allowing my life to fall apart or why the pieces of my heart to be torn into shreds. Maybe I have really messed up and He is angry at me? Maybe this is a test like Job had? I keep feeling like I am hitting my breaking point, but... then life goes even lower and I haven't broken yet.

I did finally break in counseling. Part of my compartmentalization came down. She wanted to be upfront with me regarding her concerns and I was just as upfront with her. It didn't matter. Nothing matters. Not regarding the subject that she was concerned about. It isn't anything that is tangible. It is merely... things that haunt me that no one can do anything about. She thinks that something will be done. I don't believe her.

I saw a new professional for testing that has been recommended by several different sources for the last 7 years (or so) - only the ones who could actually refer me? They've all said that I have schizophrenia so what would the point be? I went with it... until earlier this year... things have been going so badly for me that I wanted to know for sure. I also didn't think that I had what I was diagnosed with in October... and they can go together as comorbidities... so I asked for help and got ran around in circles again...

This time though: I have my answer to that stupid question. The point is that if I do have it, maybe then I can get help improving my functioning! Maybe it'd explain things a bit better. Maybe I'd get more answers! I started getting somewhere... only... I am on a waiting list for a year or so...

Then I found someone who could get me in now. Now would be good. Now is when I feel like I need answers. Now is awesome! Now also comes with a price tag... that is not covered by my insurance. Just like the OB that I am seeing... but, answers are good. I would really love some actually straight answers right about now!

I met with her. She asked to meet with my mom too. It was several hours. And now we have another appointment. It was supposed to be done today, but we barely scratched the surface with my relevant medical & family history. And there are several tests that I have to be given I guess? Answers will wait... I can be patient... it isn't like I have much of a choice on so many different levels and areas right now!

The OB had some bad news for me about the 2 of you as well. She sent me home with medication and information on a decision that I have to make. She said that my decision would need to be made soon. The medication is my choice... everything is up to me... and nothing is up to me simultaneously... I am conflicted and everyone around me is conflicted. Some agree, some disagree, and some are simply telling me that they will support me no matter what I decide since only I can make this choice. While that is sweet, it is also fairly infuriating at the moment. I know it is my choice. Help me with facts. Help me with pros and cons. Help me!

I find it ironic that right now with everything? That I am still considered to have problems with black and white thinking... I can see the grey areas, but the question is: does the rest of the world want me to actually show the grey areas? Because at this moment... I am very certain that the very people who call my thinking black and white are going to be horrified if I start showing what grey area thinking really looks like.

God, can you please give me the answer that I need for the OB's decision? She wouldn't let me leave without the medication and it cost me money. But, I don't want the medication! But... maybe it is the answer to a few problems? Maybe this is your way of giving me permission? Or is this a test? You are confusing me... please give me answers! Please fix my heart... please help my kiddos... please be with us all... and please stop adding things that go wrong to my life! I don't want to find my breaking point! Please..... fix this mess. Amen.

I love you all so much.

Baby M squared.

4 children - exactly what I had always hoped for...

I hope that the OB is wrong.

I hope that one of you is Baby M Jane and the other one is Baby M Thomas/Tom.

Love,

Mama