Addictions

As I sit here and watch my baby sister kill herself I sit here and think "Who am I to judge, I have been there too Myself". Yet I want to tell her all the things she said to me, I only know this will backfire and send her drifting down a ravine. I try to tell her every day that if she wants I will help. But I also can't do anything until she wants me to is willing to help herself. I want so bad to be there, and be with her every day. She lives in another state, but if she asked me I would move today. I don't know how to take this pain, my sister is my best friend. I can't handle losing her, she is my only strength left until the end. She is my other half, depending on the day my good or bad side. Same goes with her, no matter how far apart our relationship will never die. I will never forget that phone call, when her boyfriend called me one night. He told me my sister had a heart attack, she was fighting for her life. Unable to go visit, because the world was in a pandemic, All I could do was call and call talking to doctors and nurses in a panic. Wanting to know every detail, wanting them to tell me she was ok. Instead they tell me she is on life support fighting for her life and dwindling away. She remained in ICU for another 3 1/2 weeks. She finally got to go home, called her the next day she was already having drinks. I was sick to my stomach, I couldn't understand. How she could be that close to death and go back to drinking like she never quit. Why doesn't she understand that its hurting everybody that loves her. I know she knows how it feels because I had an addiction when I was younger. She begged me all the time to just come home and that she loved me. I would make broken promises say I would come and she would never see me. Here's the difference between me and her, I was out running around but I wasn't in the ICU with my life slipping out beneath me. I don't know how to tell her this without her getting mad and disappearing, so instead I keep it to myself and keeps these feelings from appearing. I just tell her everyday that she always has somebody to confide, if she ever needs anything all she has to do is ask and she knows I will comply with anything that she needs or wants I want to do it for her. The only problem now is she not asking for it, I just continue to offer. I pray and pray every day As I sit here and watch my baby sister kill herself I sit here and think "Who am I to judge, I have been there too Myself". Yet I want to tell her all the things she said to me, I only know this will backfire and send her drifting down a ravine. I try to tell her every day that if she wants I will help. But I also can't do anything until she wants me to is willing to help herself. I want so bad to be there, and be with her every day. She lives in another state, but if she asked me I would move today. I don't know how to take this pain, my sister is my best friend. I can't handle losing her, she is my only strength left until the end. She is my other half, depending on the day my good or bad side. Same goes with her, no matter how far apart our relationship will never die. I will never forget that phone call, when her boyfriend called me one night. He told me my sister had a heart attack, she was fighting for her life. Unable to go visit, because the world was in a pandemic, All I could do was call and call talking to doctors and nurses in a panic. Wanting to know every detail, wanting them to tell me she was ok. I hated being so persistent but I also needed to know what was going on because they knew my sister was withdrawing from alcohol and also probably had drugs in her system, I know from personal experience how they treat people like that in the hospital. So with her not being able to have visitors they could pretty much let her die and not even lose sleep over it because they look at her like just some drug addict. So as I persistently call the hospital I try to explain to every nurse that she isn’t just some drug addict, she is my sister, she is a good person and just in a bad spot. She remained in ICU for another 3 1/2 weeks. She finally got to go home, called her the next day she was already having drinks. I was sick to my stomach, I couldn't understand. How she could be that close to death and go back to drinking like she never quit. Why doesn't she understand that its hurting everybody that loves her. I know she knows how it feels because I had an addiction when I was younger. She begged me all the time to just come home and that she loved me. I would make broken promises say I would come and she would never see me. Here's the difference between me and her, I was out running around but I wasn't in the ICU with my life slipping out beneath me. I don't know how to tell her this without her getting mad and disappearing, so instead I keep it to myself and keeps these feelings from appearing. I just tell her everyday that she always has somebody to confide, if she ever needs anything all she has to do is ask and she knows I will comply with anything that she needs or wants I want to do it for her. The only problem now is she not asking for it, I just continue to offer. I pray and pray every day that one day she will realize, that her life is so much more important than she makes it out to be and this life she is making is simply a disguise. I hope she knows I can not lose her, and I need her more than life. Maybe then she can finally see this addiction isn't worth the sacrifice. I love you always baby sister!

Written By,

Amanda Mosteller

Written

Amanda