A Mother's Thoughts

As a 29 year old female, in my mediocre life, the struggles I go through on a daily basis are a living nightmare. I’m not just talking about normal life stresses such as money, work or even if I am parenting my four children right. The struggles I speak of, are that of my relationship whereas I dream about going back home, to when I was an innocent, doe eyed, 7 year old little tom boy. I dream of when life was simple, where I only worried about finishing building the treefort in which I fell through the unstable floor my brother and I built. Dreaming about my horse crashing through the fence and running to the neighbors to where the grass was literally greener for him on the other side. Time for me to snap back to reality, Time to brace myself for what’s to come.

It’s 7 am and my alarm is going off, I choose to hit snooze for the next 30 minutes. My children are all sleeping, so what do I really need to be up for? Is this depression ever going to float away for good? What is it that my counsellor quoted to me last week? Oh, yes. It was a quote from a poem to which she recited to me quite some time ago. I do believe it was a poem written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow called a Psalm of Life. I remember his name because it made me giggle a little bit thinking it were a fake name. Henry wrote in his poem “Let us, then, be up and doing; With a heart for any fate; Still achieving, still pursuing, Learn to labor and to wait” . I want to turn that bit of his poem into a painting because it is so positive and in my life, positivity is hard to come by these days. How did a half an hour go by already? Guess I've found myself daydreaming again.

I guess I should pull myself out of my warm, cozy bed where my pillows are around me like a cloud. He is downstairs on the couch though and I don’t want to see him because he is probably angry with me right now. I’m not entirely sure why though, he is always upset about something? As I walk down the stairs, I can hear his phone being quickly put on the floor and the blanket covering his head. Why is he pretending to sleep? Wishing he would just look at me, say good moring and hopefully get a good morning kiss, I quietly make my way to my shiny red Keurig coffee maker that is loudly calling my name. Oh, how I love the smell of a fresh coffee brewed first thing in the morning. The baby starts crying and I think to myself “okay Maya, mommy is coming in just a minute” as if she can hear me telepathically. Trying to be quiet, I tiptoe up the stairs only to hear another child playing in her crib. Okay Gracelynn, just a moment. Now both the girls are awake, and I haven't brushed my teeth yet. It will have to wait I guess. Where most people get to have basic hygiene as an everyday practice, a shower comes as a luxery to me. At least one by myself, that is.

How is the time going by so fast? It’s already ten, yet, Gracelynn hasn’t had a bite to eat and the car hasn’t been warmed up yet. It must be about minus fifteen right now, so maybe I will go start the car while she eats her breakfast. Maya can go wake daddy up while I go outside. I put the baby beside her father on the couch and he glares at me. It upsets him whenever he must be alone with our daughters, but I shrug it off and go start the car anyway as it is almost too late to be taking the girls to daycare. When I return to the warmth of our home, I am greeted with being told to change her diaper because she pooped. He expects me to do everything and I feel I'm always asking myself why he cant change a dirty diaper. The task of getting the girls ready for day care has finally been tackled, I feel like super mom at this point. There really should be a “mom of the year” award.

I return with a cup of coffee from Tim Hortons for him. "Dark Roast double double for you babe and yes, I went and bought the pack of smokes." Not even so much of a thank you slips out of his mouth. " Just put it on the floor" he says. Of course, I do as I'm told and place the coffee where I've been instructed while he plays his video games. Again, I shrug it off and grab my trusty computer while i look at the clock to determine how many hours of study time I can cram in today, only to hear “babe, can you cook me some breakfast?” to which I reply on auto pilot with an annoyed “yes, babe. I can do that for you”. An hour goes by and I can finally study.

It’s two in the afternoon and noticing I’ve accomplished nothing but laundry, cleaning the kitchen and the living room, I start to feel frustrated. He just yelled at me for two hours because the house was dirty, and I shouldn’t be doing homework. Part of the mess was my ripped-up study notes for psychology, about 3 hours' worth of my time. Who knows how much more I can take? Now the house is clean, and I can study. His phone is ringing, I wonder who it is. The person on the other line just said they need him to do something, I know what this means, time for me to get my coat and boots on because this lady, is driving him somewhere.

Day has now turned into night; dinner is on the stove and the children are getting tired and as am I. As a mother, I will walk to the ends of the earth for my children and as a girlfriend, well let’s just say its the same. At the end of the day I have accomplished nothing, never getting the chance to sit down and study and not getting any time for myself. I get yelled at every day for the smallest of tasks and I feel stuck, but the children are asleep, he’s on his game and this mama is crawling back into bed to do it all over again. I believe I will finish school and I will pass. As Thomas Jefferson once said “I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work the more I have it.”

Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a better day. A day without fighting. A day of being left alone to study. A day of peace and maybe even a shower without children screaming at my feet. That will be a miracle if their father would actually help for once. Oh my, I went a little to far and am laughing to hard at that thought. Forget the daydream, time to actually dream.

Works Cited

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s poem a Psalm of Life

“Let us, then, be up and doing; With a heart for any fate; Still achieving, still pursuing, Learn to labor and to wait”

Website : Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-psalm-of-life-by-henry-wadsworth-longfellow

Thomas Jefferson’s Quote

“I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work the more I have it.”

Website : Source: https://www.goalcast.com/2018/02/19/20-thomas-jefferson-quotes/