A Letter to Michelle

Dear Michelle,

All too often I found myself asking why I even try; why anyone tries, really. Because, with you, things just inevitably seem to lack sincerity. But...

I almost need to express myself; if not this last time, then never. & quite frankly, you raised me to be strong minded enough to rarely leave without at least saying some of my piece. & I really just need to relieve myself of every piece of my peace, whether you listen or not.

For years you have neglected my feelings, disregarded my thoughts & essentially, exploited my successes. You have manipulated my mindset to accommodate the redundant requirements in which maintaining your mental status, while completing negating my own, has become a way of life; no questions asked. Too many times I have carried out emotionally draining requests in hopes of diluting the toxicity that you bring to situations. As if you own some part of my current being. Naturally, our relationship has yet to succeed.

Being bred into an environment susceptible to toxicity, from my home life to school, I developed this sort of casual intolerance to bullshit. Many concepts inspired by you. Not only in what you do, but who you are. You imitate selflessness on a public platform, while living in the depths of your manifesting selfishness. You fish for situations and circumstances that will fuel your ability to manipulate others with your “willingness” to guide them through their troubles. Some part of you genuinely rejoices in being involved with, if not the center of, some sort of travesty, at all times. Bonus points if the happily ever after is a product of your own regimen.

You weren’t always this way, I don’t think... Part of me wants to remember better. That same part actually knows that there has been better. Contrarily, most of me cannot seem to bypass the damage you have consciously induced. From irrational “rules” that seemed to only apply to me, to the outlandish amount of responsibility dumped unto my young mind. Though, I truly do appreciate the struggle that you endured while working full time with two kids and a fairly absent husband, I also realize that there are so many things you could have avoided, but didn’t.

Over the course of my teenage years and into submerging adulthood, it felt as though you have held no true regard for what I was doing with my life. Just as long as I kept my surface presentable and obedient, you ultimately had no desire to question my status. For years, I engaged in self-destructive behavior, without you even really batting an eye. In respects to the few mishaps of me “losing control.” But even when I did come to you, as personally as I could at 12 years old, you rejected the idea of me wanting to seek therapy, despite the surfaced sexual and emotional trauma of my childhood. As a result, I have allowed that decision to rule my attempts at self-care. You continued to maintain mental manipulation until I realized that what happens with me is often irrelevant to you. It either isn’t good enough or it's so good the only reason you express interest is for your own personal gossip gain.

Unfortunately, you have never really given me any reason to believe, or even humor, that you have any true interest in the events that take place in my life, other than to downplay, argue or control whatever situation it is that I am in. With the exception of the few milestones in my life that you did put on a pretty memorable, sometimes enjoyable, facade. But, truthfully, I just do not have the energy for that kind of toxicity anymore. The energy you use to manifest in the negatives of the world around you has become you, & I just cannot bring myself to be subjected to your mindset any longer. Instead, I am using this opportunity to reverse this generational curse, to remold myself into a mother of good intent, active listening, compassion, and understanding. Although I appreciate that you are a phenomenal grandmother, I just cannot say the same for you in the role of being a mother. Which is why I have decided to limit our relationship and terms of communication.

From here on out, I wish to only be contacted in regards to My Son, or any detrimental information regarding the status of family members. I have absolutely no desire to engage in the mental deterioration of your small talk. Nor do I have any desire to update you on the events of my daily life, as this has proved ineffective in the past anyways...

Although, I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way about my own mother, I cannot help the person you are or how you have and continue to make me feel. From your insensitivity to my mental status, to your utter disregard for my personal boundaries, I am putting my foot down & refusing to sacrifice myself any longer. At this point, I have no intentions of pursuing amends to our relationship, as I have been much happier without. That is not to say that future circumstances cannot change that. But for now, I am working on me and my family, without the weight of you on my shoulders. With that being said, I do love you, deeply and sincerely. However, as you’ve expressed many times before, “I do not have to like you, to love you.”

Respectfully,

The Daughter Who Tried