A Guardian Angel on Earth

Dear Gma,

It is still surreal, even though it’s coming up on 12years since the last time I was able to hear your voice and hug you tight. Every time someone mentions that I give “the best hugs”, you are the very first person that I think of, because you were such a hugger, a hug from you was the definition of comfort. Anything that reminds me of you haunts me emotionally because of the pain I still feel knowing you’re gone, but then a peaceful feeling sets in quickly because you have always been my peace, my safe place. I remember you as a caring person, a loving person, a goofball, so smart, and non-judgmental. You taught me to see people as people, and that everyone has unique qualities about them, because of you I was color blind, size blind, deformity blind, I literally saw people as people and I was kind to everyone, and I learned to love so hard because of you. I would be such an emotional mess, and you would snap me out of it, just by simply being you. You would listen to me and give advice and a different perspective on life. When you gained your wings, I was lost in my darkness, I didn't have you to guide me through it like always. You were my guardian angel here on earth, and I never knew you were in so much pain yourself. You even tried to keep me safe from knowing that, as much as you could anyways. You never wanted me to be sad. You knew I needed you, I know you still know that I still need you. I appreciate the signs you send from time to time.

One of my most cherished moments as a child was when you would stroke my bangs off of my forehead until I fell asleep as you sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” to me. On May 20, 2010 you passed away, and on May 20, 2020 the google search bar animation was a Hawaiian singer named Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, who is famous for how he sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I loved it so much. Thank you for sending me that sign.

I loved you and looked up to you as a small child, I ran to you for comfort as a teenager, I wish I wasn’t working so much around the time you passed away, I wish our last Thanksgiving dinner wasn’t cut short because I had to go to work, and Christmas as well. Christmas was your favorite time of the year. You loved the entire vibe of Christmas joy, the season of giving, you would have Christmas all year long if you could. I miss your cookies grandma, it was happiness in a bite, but more so I loved that it was our tradition every year all the way up until you passed. You always told me materials never mattered, you always said you were so rich…. because you had my love, because I loved you so much you felt like you were the richest person in the world. You really installed the most important morals in me. I lost my way when you left and it took a long time for me to walk by myself without you physically here, without being able to physically hold your hand and to hear your gentle voice and contagious giggles. But you have sent me signs to let me know you are still here with me.

I loved your music box, shaped like a heart, I never knew what the tune was, I just knew it was pretty and it reminded me of you Gma. A couple of years back, I wanted to hear it play the tune and sadly, it wasn't working. Well fast forward to a couple of months ago I was cleaning, and I so badly wanted to hear it play, I searched for the tune that was on the bottom of the music box “Love Story”, I never knew it was from a movie, or that it was a movie title. But I found the sound on YouTube and I cried so hard, because like I said it hurts at first but then it’s just a warm feeling afterward. Anyways, I had a little adventure and looked up the movie and watched it, the part where they are in the car…

The man says, “How can you see me and still love me” and she replies, “that’s what it’s about preppie” That part describes you as a person, you saw everyone for who they were and never not tried to love them, even me. But how I knew I needed to take this part to heart was because of the license plate on the car, it read 520, the day you passed away was 5-20.

I never knew how much pain you were in, or what you had been through because you always had a smile, you were always so positive, patient and calm. I needed that as a child.

I needed all of that as a crazy teenager….

I wish that I could converse with you as an adult, I wish that your great-grandbabies were able to feel those warm and tight hugs.

As an adult I feel so sad, knowing what you went through as a single parent, raising two girls, how you were cheated on by grandpa who left to start a new life with a new family, how you were the oldest of 8 and had to take care of your siblings, how you settled for a 9-5 job to support your family and all the medicine that you had to take for medical conditions. There is so much more that you went through, but there you were still a bright light for so many. You were sad and alone and never once told me, and my heart hurts thinking about all of that because Grandma, you deserve love, you deserved happiness, you never deserved to be treated poorly by anyone, and I can only pray that I showed my love to you enough, that you knew I loved you so much.

You were young at heart, and you passed away young grandma, so I understand that you weren't happy here and you were in pain, and you couldn't be as young as you truly felt. I miss you. I don’t know if I would've turned out to be a good person if it wasn't for you. So, thank you. I’m trying hard not to be broken, and I wish that I could present myself how you did. I know you love me because of the signs….

A "scam likely phone call came through on 5/20, left a voicemail but the voicemail was just low background talking and I couldn’t understand what was said…but my phone transcribed it as I love you…

I love you too Gma.

The day you passed away was beautiful, it was sunny, with a cool breeze, not a cloud in the sky, but I felt so cold inside, like your hand when you were just lying there at peace, I knew you had passed on, but it felt like you were holding my hand back for the last time. Our bond is strong.

You were beautiful inside and out.

A life without you is still hard to accept.

But…

I know you are somewhere over the rainbow, at peace, in a place where you can dance on the stars and feel the magic that you believed in.

Love, Your one and only Granddaughter