6 months into the healing process

How am I supposed to make it through this life without the sound of your voice or feeling your chest breathe in and out on my cheek when I wake up every morning. I miss the days that my soul felt at ease and I had a home. I miss my soul mate! Well, 6 months, and this healing process is hard, so hard, but I’m breathing a little easier. Hopefully soon, my emotional state can be a little less bi- polar Betty. But at least I’m taking steps in the right direction. Just a little but it’s still a step.

Don’t get me wrong, I still catch myself walking outside looking at the sky and screaming . “Why didnt you take me with you?” And in that moment of overwhelming sadness and over whelming, well life. I whole heartedly mean it. Followed immediately, with me feeling bad about it. Bad about meaning it, bad about yelling at my husband. Just bad about life! If I only knew then, what I know now. Ha, It’s funny how all the stupid stuff you fight about, becomes not a good enough reason to fight. Life lesson my friends, pay attention cause I wish I would have. I’d take back every single fight, every single second that was wasted doing anything other than loving that man. Seriously, dont let the little shit get in the way of life. Of true blissful happiness! Cause you only get one shot! Just one!

Well dang, One shot at happiness. I know that He wouldn’t want me to be miserable. One shot, Sink or swim, and this is it! There isn’t any redos, no second chances, just this moment. And in this moment. I am okay, not great, sometimes happy, but not where I was 6 months ago, or 5 months ago, 100% DROWNING! Lungs Completely filled with water, lips blue, unable to swim, slowly and painfully sinking to the bottom, I was drowning people. This life suffocating me, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Metaphorically of course. I’ve taken a few things from the last 6 months. Hopefully they help someone else.

Ya see, no one knows how to deal with suicide, you aren’t suppose to. Dealing with loosing your person when youre 34 is hard enough. But when its your person leaving this world because he choose too, its earth shaking devastation. Like a fucking bomb went off ( pardon my language) and you dont know how to begin to function, or if you really even want too.

A couple things that 6 months without my husband has shown me, you must know that sometimes you aren’t going to want too. Function that is, breathe, go on. But the strength that got you from that moment to this one, kicks your ass a little and you keep moving. It ain’t easy, it never will be. You will be surprised what you can take. How strong you really are!

Also, know that even if you have a room full of people that love you. You are going to at times feel all alone. Like the world doesn’t understand. Well because some of them don’t, and the ones that do. They are also to sad to function. It’s okay, one thing I realized while sitting at court one day fellow widows, you aren’t alone! I sat next to a woman and when she asked me about what ever it was I don’t remember. I spoke about my husband, like I always do and I said he passed away in May. She responded with oh my gosh, I lost mine in March. We sat and talked for quite awhile, and cried together and I’ll tell you it was amazing to have someone who understood just what I was dealing with. So, say yes to the support groups. Even if you don’t want to! Give it a try, I promise it helps. It’s nice to hear someone else say the same things you think! A breathe of fresh air really.

Loss is so hard. Death is so hard. The emptiness is unbearable at times. But don’t focus on those moments. The little times between all the sadness, that you smile with your kids, or laugh at a joke. The little moments that you catch yourself being you. Being ok, just for a second. Live for those, don’t feel bad about them. Live for those seconds and sooner or later the seconds get closer together. your person loved you happy and smiling, he wants you to be happy!

Every single thing triggers tears; scents, phrases, songs, people, places. Let your self cry, who cares where you are. If people look at ya, tell them how great your husband was! Im not ashamed of my tears anymore.

Ladies, I’m no doctor. I’m just a woman who lost her man after 11 years of loving him, so what do I know. Still, I hope it helps you anyway!