The healing process

“ You are stronger than you think , you’ll make it through this.” My mom says, While picking me up off the drive way. She was right I have to be strong, what other choice do I have at this point. He left me with no other choice. I must deal, I must be strong. I’m stuck here, stuck on this earth with out my best friend without my person. With this broken heart and 2 kids to take care of and remind every day that daddy loved them so very much.

For a person who never cried in front of anyone I sure as hell don’t care who sees me now! . May 8th at 420 am. My life might not have ended with his, but A part of me wishes it did. Don’t get me wrong I’m greatful I’m alive, my kids are thankful! But I still pray, I will be happy again someday, but Until then this is my journey of healing.

I honestly wouldn’t have believed someone if they told me that a person could hurt this bad and still be alive. Or unharmed physically! A broken heart hurts so much worse than any physical pain I’ve ever endured. This pain is unexplainable and not at all what our life was supposed to end up like.

The phrase “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone” is the most on point thing I have ever heard! My Jonathan could make me smile by just being there. He was the most amazing, funny, handsome man in all the world. He was magical! All he had to do was touch me and my heart melted and I just couldn’t help but love him. A love like no other, completely Unconditional! No matter if I wanted to or not!

May 6th, 2021 was 4 years of marriage, I have spent 11 years loving this man, the best years of my life, and honestly lately some of the worst. Depression and confusion overwhelmed my husband some days. At times it was very hard. On him, me and our kids. Looking back on the last 4 years there was so many things I would have done differently. Oh, how I wish I could of had a warning for what was to come. I wish I could have saved him from him self.

That man was the only man on this earth that could stop my panic attack with His touch, the calm to my chaos. He. Brought my soul from trauma to peace! I will forever miss my best friend!

One thing I’ve realized is healing from this kind of grief seems impossible. It’s empty and lonely. Even in the moments of happiness, a quick smile or a laugh makes you feel sadness. Every thing just feels empty. It’s just not fair because he isn’t enjoying life with me. Or he’s not able to smile. Everything reminds me of him. Everything! Every scent, every phrase. Every thing!

I’m not one of those people that will sit here and say that suicide is a cowards way out. Because it’s not ! I refuse to be mad at him, I hurt for him, and for us! But I won’t be mad. That level of depression is an overwhelming and awful feeling of emptiness and self hate. That I can tell you from personal experience, because I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. It’s not a lack of care or selfishness, in that persons brain, they somehow feel like they are helping their loved ones. I’ve sat in those shoes before, and it was a hard hell to climb out of. Mental illness is this ignored Taboo subject to talk about and completely so damn important! So after my Jonathan passed. I swore to my children I would fight tooth and nail to grow as old as god allows, but I just have to figure out how.

I’ve been in therapy for the last two years, and I’m not ashamed of that. Life has a tendency to be hard as hell sometimes and therapy is there to help us all through. My weekly meetings with her increased and she thought it would be good to add a psychiatrist to the mix. So I Started taking 2 medicines for depression and PTSD , talking a whole lot about my feelings, it helps keep me stable. But even with the medicine, doctor and love from my babies, I am still so broken. It just wasn’t enough. At first I had to focus on planning a funeral. But then when that was over, all I found myself doing was alot of crying and just existing. I wasn’t okay, I wasn’t functioning, life was hard. I wanted to give up, I wanted to follow my husband into the dark.

I realized, I can’t stay idol. I had to keep busy. I had to push through. My kids need me. I knew I needed a change. My kids needed a change. They need their momma to function. I just couldnt function here. Not in this house. So after a family meeting and some serious decussion , we decided to put our house up for sale and start new!

This healing process is messy, devastating, and so damn lonely. But I’m healing, the kids are too. It’s sad how much he will miss. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. I will never be able to unsee my husbands soul leaving his eyes. But my goal is to find self love where I have been lacking it. To be able to stand up, even if my heart is broken, and I feel like I can’t. I’m still in “the healing process” I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely healed or normal and that is okay I suppose!

What’s normal anyway? Right!

I’m just thankful to still be here fighting for my life.