5 Concepts of Consent To Teach Your Toddlers

My name is Mom - and I am a sexual assault survivor.

My first experience with sexual assault happened when I was young enough to have trouble remembering exactly what happened. I remember being under the blankets. I remember the hand. I remember trying to wriggle free, only for that hand to squeeze my leg so hard that it felt like it would break.

And I remember the words: "If you tell anyone, I will kill your mommy."

And for what felt like a long time, it happened almost every day. One day, he was gone from our lives, and I didn't care to ask why. I was just glad. Years passed, and I all but forgot the scary man under the blankets. Until a classmate in high school tried to drag me into the boys' bathroom after I refused his advances during school.

I was leaving an after-school curriculum course, and the only teachers still present at the school were around the corner, and what felt like miles away as I fought to escape. I was almost dragged into the bathroom, but thankfully, Mama had taught me self-defense. My knee nailed him where it counts.

I had bruises from the struggle, and that night when I went to sleep, for the first time in a very long time, I remembered the scary man under the blanket.

My sexual assault story doesn't end there.

After graduating from high school, I was chased through the Yosemite woods by a man for 30 minutes. I married a man who told me I was fat and disgusting, but would force me to have sex with him when he was drunk. I was drugged with my own medication and raped by a man I was dating in my own home several years later.

Needless to say, one of the biggest fears in my life is that my daughters and sons will experience the same cycle.

And since the conception of my first child, I knew I needed a plan. Because over my dead body that someone touches my children the way that I have been. When she became old enough to talk and walk, I began to lose sleep over it. Because obviously, the idea of "consent" and "sexual assault" are way too big topics to talk to a 3-year-old about.

But when you get down to it, the concept of "consent" is actually VERY simple and teachable from a young age.

I started with baby steps. I started teaching her the names of her body parts, as it's a vital step in their development. But I didn't just teach her "eyes, mouth, nose, hands, legs, feet, knees..." I thought back to the days of the scary man under the blanket. I was just a 4-year-old little girl. I did not know the names of the body parts that he was touching. And I did not know that he wasn't allowed to touch me that way.

Had someone taken the time to educate me as a little girl about my body parts, and that some of those body parts should never be touched - I wonder if my childhood would have been different?

I also was raised to endure unwanted touching, like hugging family members I didn't want to hug - "Kasey Railee, do NOT be rude. Hug your auntie right now."

So I taught my daughters each at 3-years-old, what their body parts are called.

The chest. No one should touch your chest without permission. And then I taught them the word vagina and showed them where that is on their body by pointing. My oldest daughter made me laugh so hard I almost peed when she said: "Oh! My front butt is called a vageena?"

I also made rules that we had to follow in my household that we follow to this very day.

I decreed that the adults in the house, even me, must ask the children if they would like a hug before touching them, and vice versa, until they got the concept. I also asked the Pre-K teachers to get on board with my plan - to make my child ask for 'consent' for a hug from their friends and even the teachers themselves.

The teachers loved it so much they made it a class-wide rule. There are also programs that allow educators to come to the schools and teach the children about body safety.

I also taught my children that they can say "No" to requests for physical affection, such as hugs and kisses from each other and adults. And even their friends. To this day, even my youngest child is not afraid to say: "No, thank you," if he does not want to be hugged by anyone.

I also do not force my children to hug adults, not even blood family, if they do not want to. And yes, I have offended people, even family, by butting in and telling the adult: "My child has expressed they do not want a hug. Please do not force it on them."

I also have routine conversations with all of my children, especially now that my oldest is 7 years old, going on 17, and she goes every other week for a few days to her father's house. I open the floor to conversations about things that make them uncomfortable, what bothers them. I remind them constantly that even if the person threatens to hurt us, they must be brave and tell me. I remind them that I can keep us safe if I know that someone is doing something bad.

Keeping your child safe from sexual assault can start the minute they learn to talk and walk.

A simple conversation that doesn't go into the horrible details, or talk about things that are too big for an innocent child to comprehend. But it isn't completely sanitized either. They now know that people must ask permission before touching them, and they now know that there are parts of their body that are off-limits.

Teaching your children the names of their body parts, explaining which parts are inappropriate for ANY adult or friend to touch, can help a child identify if someone predatory does happen upon them while you are not around.

"This is your body part, _____. No one should touch this part of your body, never ever. The only time is if you go potty, and one of your safe grown ups are helping you clean up. If someone touches this part of your body, you must tell one of your grown-ups.

At the same time, you can also concretize the idea that they also should not touch people without permission, and that they are allowed to say 'no' to someone touching them.

Please ask your siblings/friends/teachers/family for a hug, BEFORE you hug them. You must wait for them to say yes, before you touch.

If you do not want to be touched, that is okay. You can say no; you will not get in trouble for it.

Teaching your young child about consent doesn't have to be a whole conversation that traumatizes and scares.

It starts with the very simple ideas:

1. I know what the parts of my body are called.
2. I know that some of those parts should never be touched by anyone.
3. I should tell my parents/safe adults if someone touches those parts.
4. I am allowed to say no, I do not want to be touched or hugged.
5. And I should ask my friends' and family's permission before I touch them, too.

These 5 simple concepts can keep your child safe. And I sincerely hope I helped.

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