The Things we don't talk about

I have had the fortune of working in the behavioral health system for almost a decade in many different roles and with many different populations. Currently, I am getting ready to be a licensed therapist, and have almost completed my internship for my master's degree. I consider myself blessed to have been able to experience all of these different roles in so many different ways. There are many strange and concerning things that I have experienced in that timeframe, and there is one specific thing that I have always had to come back to, one that has always been of concern to me because it seems to be such a prevalent concern in society these days.

Here is what that sounds like, and some examples that might help you understand what I might be talking about:

"Men are not allowed to be sensitive" "Men just need to suck it up and deal with it" "Men can't show weakness" "Men develop alcoholism, they don't show feelings" "Men throw punches, they don't share their thinking" "The best therapy for men is the bottle"...

You may have heard all of these phrases before. They happen in daily conversations all across the country, and all across the world even. Most likely, there are many, many other ones that I haven't listed that you've heard before as well. The list just seems to go on and on, and it continues to be expanded daily.

There exists a big stereotype about mental illnesses and how showing any amount of weakness is considered bad, for a man. Men are supposed to be strong, macho-type individuals who will street-fight another man for their significant other and everything they want in life, and any ounce of expression of feeling is seen as 'gay' or even 'pussy-like.' At the bottom of it though, men are as human as much as women are. All humans have a brain and therefore all humans have feelings. As such, men are allowed to feel things, and any expectations and suggestions of the opposite only contribute to the stereotype about men. Interestingly enough, there is a name for that stereotype, and I am sure that everyone has heard of it, some might even have used it - any expectations for men to be like I mentioned in the first paragraph is called 'toxic masculinity' and that is the stereotype that I'm talking about here.

I've learned in my life as well as my experience in behavioral health that living up to the 'toxic masculinity' stereotype doesn't do much good, except that it provides a life ripe with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses, because it is as if men are expected to live up to some sort of stereotype that is just completely unrealistic to live up to. Yes, men are considered to be providers for the family, but these days, women are as much the providers as men are. The toxic masculinity stereotype, offers nothing other than a life of misery and makes men good at 'acting' fine - but does not address the actual underlying issue and often ends in drug use, substance abuse/alcoholism, and often even an early grave.

Substance use and alcoholism are coping mechanisms to deal with the unnatural expectations that society places on men (needing to follow that 'toxic masculinity' stereotype) - therefore, if society understood that toxic masculinity does more harm than it does good, we would be able to lower rates of substance use, alcoholism and suicide in men.

One of the ways that we can do this is easy. Just let men talk about their emotions and feelings without immediately crucifying them for doing so.