The Cat's Meow

“NOBODY CAN HEAR A SCREAM IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE OR SO THEY SAY” The intercom continued the announcement. “Lips wide open, eyes wide open, ears desperate to hear the scream. Nothing.”

I focused on the Rat doing my fur. I didn’t mind the cutting of it. My fur was so long for so many years that my body felt so much lighter. The Rat barber directed me to another area of the hangar. There were two lines for showering and clothing disbursement. The bully rats knew that cats can’t stand water, so they took their time showering us. I was one of the many that had never been showered before. What was I missing all those years? It was so delightful and invigorating that I couldn’t stop laughing. My happiness made the Rat angry so he finished with me quicker. When the other cats noticed the rats’ response, they started laughing. It was worth extra whippings of their tails to see their frustrations.

I told the rat handing out clothes if I was to die then I want to be nude or at least go commando style.

“That’s fine with me.” He quickly stuck his freebee into a bag under the table. I boarded the shuttle.

That was the end goal of the regime, force the Deplorables into space so that NO ONE can hear them scream. I sat there listening to the guard at the front of the shuttle. He was walking back and forth in the aisle slapping his tail on his hand.

“Did you hear me? NO ONE will hear you scream when we throw you out of the shuttle. In fact, when you scream it will be the death of you because once your deplorable big mouths open, the vacuum of space will suck the life out of you.”

An old male cat raised his hand in one of the back rows of the shuttle. The Rat snickered and slowly walked toward him.

“What is your question, Charlie?” The Rat added more emphasis to his tail pounding. But Charlie didn’t seem intimidated.

“Are you serving lunch?”

The Rat whipped his tail at the cat causing the cat to hiss.

“Duct tape that idiot!” he ordered one of the guards.

I looked around and noticed some of the cat’s eyes were duct-taped and their mouths. The rats did this because those deplorables were crying. There weren’t many. Most of the Deplorables were courageous, scared but courageous.

“Uh, Sal,” said one of the troopers.

“Yes.”

“Uh, we ran out of duct tape.”

Sal looked around the cabin. “That’s impossible! There’s only a few that are duct taped!”

“Well, remember that supply chain clog? Duct tape was on the list.”

The head rat walked over to the old cat. His big nose leaned into Charlie’s face. The old cat shed no emotion as he stared back at the Rat.

“Looks like you get a reprieve. But, if you know what’s good for you, keep your trap shut!”

Sal started to turn away when Charlie raised his hand again.

“Seriously?” Sal’s whiskers started to quiver.

“I don’t know what’s good for me especially considering I am about to be silenced forever in space. So, what is good for me?”

Sal lunged at Charlie and slapped the old cat with his tail. I immediately raised my hand along with the rest of the cats on board. Knowing that the duct tape was no longer a threat, we began to chant, “Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!”

A boom went off inside the cabin spewing a catnip solution throughout. The shuttle filled with purrs as we cats became drugged hugging each other with fantasies of sexual ecstasy.

A trio of Rat soldiers entered the cabin.

“What the hell, Sal?!!” exclaimed the leading officer. “I thought you had everything under control!”

Sal quickly stood at attention letting his tail fall to the ground. “I do have everything under control.”

“You are to torture these Deplorables! Not provide them with forms of pleasure!”

“But sir,”

“Never mind! When they come to, remind them of where they are headed. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You are scheduled to leave in about twenty minutes. The drugs should be worn off by then.”

“Yes, sir.”

As the trio left the cabin, Sal slapped the young rat with his tail.

“Rudy, who told you to shoot that catgas?”

“No one, sir. But, in my defense, everyone was getting out of control. I felt it was necessary.”

Sal looked around the shuttle. He noticed the empty seat next to me in the front.

“Put Charlie at the front so we can keep a better watch on him.”

The soldier did as he was told and asked two other rats to help him move Charlie.

I was so happy to have Charlie’s company on our first and final voyage. He was still drugged when they sat him down next to me. His big bald head plopped onto my shoulder. I had already recovered from the drug but didn’t mind the old cat on my shoulder. Though, it was a little uncomfortable when he started licking my neck, his whiskers tickling my cheeks. I hadn’t been with a male in many years, so it took a lot of control for this pussy to resist the temptation to jump his tail!

The engines started and we were on our way. The rats had given each of us Deplorables a wallet full of cash which made no sense except for the fact that that was their signature bribe to all inhabitants of planet Rateh. (Did I mention that they redefined the name Earth! They even changed the name of the Moon to Chez!) It also made no sense because they had banned all forms of paper and coin currency.

What the hell were we going to spend the money on in space? But then I noticed to look out the windows, we had to pay. As a kitten, I remembered waving and yelling “Have a fun trip” to my loved ones when they took off on their vacation cruises to bucket list destinations. One relative hit thirty-four out of one-hundred twenty-one on her list. Being sent to the Dark Ages by the Socialists replaced all bucket lists with a one-way trip to the Milky Way. My cousin took her trip a week before me. I was sad that there was no one there to wave and wish her fun.

The engines fired up and the cabin began to rumble. I wanted one last look at my beloved Planet Earth. I put in a dollar and raised the partition. The glass was painted black except for a little hole in the center, similar to the peep machines that you would pay a quarter to watch a three-minute film of a young pussy cat dance. These were in old adult bookstores.

Charlie raised his head off my shoulder and apologized for any bad behavior that he might have done under the influence. I assured him nothing happened. I was guessing that he might have been a handsome orange tabby when he was young. Kind of reminded me of the Tom Cat that introduced me to the world of X-rated. I called him my Porn King. In those days, at the beginning of the Pandemic, old restaurants that went belly up would transform into porn theater houses. I’ll never forget the first one Porn King took me to. We walked into a boarded-up building paying for tickets at the door. Once inside, we had to feel our way to a booth. I especially remember the heavy breathing coming from the dark booths.

“Was I breathing loudly?” asked Charlie.

“What?” I was taken aback by his question.

“Was I breathing loudly?”

“Oh no! Was I talking out loud because I didn’t mean to?” Now I was embarrassed.

“Just mumbling but I did hear you say something about heavy breathing.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t….” The window partition slammed into place.

“Damn, I didn’t get a chance to look.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have distracted you,” said the old cat.

“No, it’s not your fault. I was going down memory lane. Besides, I have more dollars.” I put in another dollar. The partition opened.

“By the way, my name is Charlie.”

“I know. I was one of the ones chanting your name.” I added, “My name is Mary Jane. Nice meeting you, Charlie.”

The old cat started to laugh, “Nice meeting you, too, but you better hurry to say goodbye to Earth because those rats are strapping in so we must be ready to take off.” Charlie looked in the direction of the Rats seat-belting up. I peeked into the hole.

“SON OF A BITCH!! THOSE RATS….” I looked over at the pranksters as they were laughing and pointing at me. Charlie grabbed my paw and whispered, “Get control.”

I clenched my teeth and smiled at the Rats. “Nice joke.” They continued to laugh.

“What is the problem, besides you now having a black eye?” asked Charlie.

“What?” I immediately wiped my eye and discovered black shoe polish on my paw. They had done the very old trick of smearing the eyepiece with polish. “Damn them!” I whispered under my breath.

“Let me take a look.”

Charlie leaned over me and looked through the eyepiece being careful not to place his eye directly on the device. He began to laugh.

“It’s not funny!” I growled.

“Well, you have to admit she’s a pretty looking feline and a pretty good dancer!”

I didn’t get a chance to answer. The engines roared thrusting some of us back into our seats while others went flying throughout the shuttle. A couple of the cats hit the ceiling then bounced onto the floor with a splat which again had them hit the ceiling with another splat. The Rats were the only ones with seat harnesses. And they were the only ones enjoying the show.

Charlie hung onto me and I him. We were able to stay clinging to our seats.

“It shouldn’t take us long to leave Earth’s atmosphere,” I assured Charlie.

“Now’s the time to shoot that catnip spray!” said Charlie.

I had to agree. There was only one time in my nine lives that I experienced a drug and that was at a memorial service. I was a young kitten and didn’t realize that the cookies one of the mourners brought was filled with pot. Those cookies tasted so good I couldn’t stop eating them. My behavior was so funny to my folks that they changed my name from Fluffy to Mary Jane. A dose of that catnip would help alleviate all the chaos.

Suddenly the rockets stopped.

I looked at Charlie and said, “That didn’t take long.”

“Don’t let go of the chair!” he warned.

I did notice my tail slowly start to rise from the seat. The rest of my body was following. I looked at the Rats and started to laugh. Charlie followed my lead. He also began laughing.

Sal and his rat underlings were being choked by the seat belts, trapping their noses upside each other’s butt cheeks. They must have cut corners during their training sessions and didn’t cover the proper way of putting on their harnesses. Rats were known for their overspending with cheap and compromising results. I was surprised that the shuttle made it past the Karman Line (Rats changed this name to Ratman Line) in space. I fought back the temptation to swim over to them and bang their heads together. Wonderfully Karma happened with a very explosive fart. Sal wasn’t too happy.

A hissing sound came from the floor. The cabin was being pressurized. Prisoners were able to return to their seats and the Rats were able to breath normally again.

“What’s next?” I asked.

Charlie whispered in my ears. “They are going to float around in space until the next shuttle arrives.”

“Another shuttle?”

“Yeah, but it’s holding a cargo of foxes and some crows.”

“Foxes and crows? Are you talking about reporters?”

“Yep. The Socialists are banning all media. They can’t risk anymore dissent or doubts implanted into the youth of their movement.”

I didn’t mention to Charlie that I, at one time, was a political cartoonist. I had to give it up when I was attacked by the Rat Dogs, one of many branches of the Socialist’s regime.

“So, are their plans to push us all into space to rot?”

“Let’s find out,” said Charlie.

Sal frowned when he saw Charlie’s hand go up. He ignored the old cat but walked up to Mary Jane.

“How did you like our little prank?” he asked.

The old cat started waving his hand in front of Sal’s big nose. At one point, Charlie got too close.

“OUCH!” Sal started to whip the old cat with his tail until a soldier jumped in. “What is your question?” asked the young rat.

“What do you plan on doing to us?”

The six rats on board laughed.

“Why should you care?” asked Sal. “All of you have used up your nine lives. We want the outcome to be your death. But since we are known to have a compassionate nature, we are going to prolong life for you for as long as it is necessary.”

“And how are you going to do that?” I asked with a growl.

“Well, you already know that no one can hear a scream in the vacuum of space. But did you also know that the scream itself will kill you by sucking all the air out of your lungs.”

“Yeah, we heard that over and over in the hangar.” I replied sarcastically.

One Rat soldier marched up to Sal and reported that the other shuttle had arrived.

“Well, looks like your company has arrived.” Sal turned to the other rats. “Prepare the chambers.”

Mary Jane looked at the closed window as Charlie held her paw.