More and more

So I found myself bragging about being here, being there. “Oh wow! That’s so amazing!” “Gut gemacht!” “¡Bravo!” “Yes, yes!” I could feel my chest pointing to the sky, my head lifting. “Thank you, thank you…” (Modesty above all.) When at some point, among the compliments, one voice raised above them all, quoting the final line of a text where I wrote my destiny to be “more and more wanderings”: “For more wanderings, L!”, followed by

a deep,

deep,

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deep

and uncomfortable moment of silence

(1, 2, 4…)

and a delayed –and by the time it was finally propelled, already yearned for— clearing of my throat: “Ahem… Yes, yes for more!” Finally turning on the charm and bringing things back to normal: smiles, smiles, laughter, smiles.

I took a while to concede (to tell a fib) since for another while ago (perhaps proportional to the former in existential terms), from time to time (I dare no say this out loud, it’d be outrageous to admit it)… I’ve been feeling a bit… (lonely, unsatisfied) tired (it’s a less serious word). “Is this all there is to life? Could it be possible that perhaps less is more and perhaps I’ve had enough?” The pungent thought. (No wonder why somebody said that “even beauty wears you out”.) A secret I may take to the grave, being –as I am— this example to follow: for how on Earth can I be tired of more and more wanderings?

Way before the party reached an end, the feeling of discontent kept on increasing. (The lie just got too heavy to carry.) “Well everyone, I gotta go now. But it was great to see y’all,” Shall I say goodbye like this or shall I just leave? No need: they won’t be surprised if I just disappear. (Good!)

“I must go now – thanks for the invite!”

“I totally understand. This makes you feel trapped, right? Where are you heading now? Your life is so exciting!”

(Right now I just want to crash.)

“Yay! But we keep in touch. Say good-bye to everyone from me, please.”

As I got back home, I thought to myself: “Please find something on the telly that does not let me think about me.” And so I came across a documentary about shopping, Buy more! Fair enough. Let’s see how bad things are. Deep inside me, I feel relieved as I have always promoted to stay off-grid: “I’ve been in all these places with the same pair of trousers, the same T-shirt – what matters is the content, not the container.” I have proudly claimed. Mainly because yes, indeed, I used to see shopping –at least for me— as a waste of time (ahem waste of life): “My legs are still strong. They should be walking in the woods, climbing hills, swimming in the ocean… rather than safely go wandering from shop to shop.” (Ok, ok. Enough.) So, what’s going on in the world?

“I can’t believe we are so dump.” The feeling of shame kept on increasing, together with my random thoughts: “What are we doing?” “Really throwing to waste what has never been used? Throwing to the dumpster recently prepared food? Why isn’t it donated?” Flashback to Aki Kaurismäki’s latest film (presumably fiction) where indeed the employee is fired after giving away food from the supermarket which otherwise would go bad. “Can we be this idiot?” (We certainly can.) “No, wait, in fact it’s a science!” (You must be kidding!) It’s a highly refined science to get you to buy stuff… We know you! “How did we end up here?” I can only wonder. “Washing up my sins – I have to speak out!” Flashback to my economics days (the days where I was reading economics for my degree) and the idea of man that was defended: A man is a being that always wants more. (Was that what made me quit?) followed by one more train of thoughts: “How could they reduce ourselves to that? We are creators of poetry and art, eternal truth seekers…” My inner rant continues condemning them on and on, in the most judgmental of tones, only to –after a couple of minutes— hit hard (and very painfully) against the wall: for in fact that very night I had just toasted for “more and more”.

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