Re-construction of a Self

[THE DAY, THE DAY, THE VERY DAY]

Where am I? A tear that is not dropped, a shattered dream.

(Talk to me.)

I’m afraid I cannot do that anymore. (My wings are broken.)

Leave it clean. Let it go. (Déjenme si estoy llorando.)

Tell me why. I just don’t know. (And on the background this stupid song.)

I just cannot stand this anymore. (Es que sigo procurando en cada lágrima darme paz.)

Why? (Pues el llanto le hace bien al alma, si ha sufrido perdiendo la calma.)

I don’t know.

I guess it’s part of life. (Y yo quiero olvidar que tu amor ya se fue)

#$%#”$&%/&#%&%$!#$$&%&/(&(%”&$&$%”#!

Please wake me up. (La felicidad que ya perdí…)

.

.____________________ * * * * *

.

[DAYS LATER…]

A coward. Do you think? Of course – he couldn’t even face you. He was struggling. Stop forgiving! How could he? Why? I just want to disappear. “It’s not fair to you.” I guess. Stop this, please stop this! I will. I’ll try. Gosh! Open your eyes! He does not love you! Why did he do all that? He fell in love, like a kid, but he’s not a man. Just forget it, please. I can’t. Of course you can! You have to move on. I just can’t. Why? What happened? Just remember it wasn’t always very nice. Remember, please remember: you were convinced when you came back. Don’t you remember? Just remember. Yes, it’s true. He was at times mean. Remember: it was not exactly what you wanted. Remember? Yes. He was not what you wanted. Yes, you could travel, but that was it. You could share a household, but that was it. His friends were the world for him.

.

.__________________* * * * *

.

[WEEKS LATER…]

Perfect excuse: “a nonet about a relationship breakup”.

.

I wish I can forget as I sleep,

for in my dreams you seem at ease

remembering how we met

and all the plans we made.

It is all over.

Yes, true, indeed.

You and me...

No more...

Breathe!

.

.__________________* * * * *

.

[A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER]

You’re hurting. You are disappearing. You’re in a quantum state between being and not being. You are reaching out to the live ones (text messages):

— I’m writing to you a bit broken. I just finished the relationship I was in and I feel completely devastated. I have no idea if I will be able to be the host I wanted to be. I just feel so weak and lost. I just want you to know in case you want to make some other plans, but if not, just for you to know. I thought, I was sure he was the one. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry I won’t be in the best mood when you come. Much love to you, Laura

— Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Please just let everything settle. When I chatted with you a few days ago, I heard the powerful, loving, passionate Laura I’ve always known. [No wonder you heard that: I was with him at the time.]

— Thank you.

— Of course, sweetheart. I’m so excited to see you and travel around!!! You have so many great things to look forward to. [Really?]

— I wish I can believe you, but I can’t. There’s nothing, again there’s nothing. I’m still amazed that I could believe again. There must be a point at which you should finally understand that being with someone is not for you. Why do I keep on failing to see it? I have nothing, nothing. At least now I cannot see anything. I’m sorry.

— Sweetheart, I’m in the same circumstance. It’s so hard to find someone. You and I are special people and it’s just about enjoying life as it comes. [What?!]

I do not know why people will come up with stupid solutions: the least you want is to think of someone else. “Un clavo saca otro clavo.” That’s what they usually say. What if “the remedy [ends up being] worse than the disease”? Besides, you can’t, you just cannot move on, you can barely move, wake up and “function”.

What if? Say what? What if they are right? You must be kidding. What if you open yourself to possibilities when you think everything is lost? “Choice is the most powerful tool we have in the mind. (…) It is your ability to choose what you want which will move you forward. If you do not like what is happening, make another choice.” Just like that, eh? “Realize that if you do not like your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, behaviour or situation, then it is your responsibility to change them through choice.” Ok, I can agree with that, that it is up to me. “State as clearly and precisely as possible: what I want is…” What I want is him back. No! Say: “this is not what I want. I do not want this pain, grief, stress, misery..., what I want…” I do not want this pain and misery, what I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had. Yes! Sounds like you! It does, right? It somehow feels better. Just keep on repeating it to yourself, over and over again. Until it becomes true or what? Hush!!

What I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had.

What I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had.

What I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had.

.

.__________________* * * * *

.

[SIX MONTHS LATER]

Talk to me. It’s been a while that you don’t. I don’t feel. I cannot feel. My hands tremble. When will we forget about it all? There’s no sense going back. (Let me rest. Let me forget. Let me leave/live.) All I ever wanted was to eclipse together with another being. A dream which is not to come true. Just forget about it: live and let live. Accept it, assume it, embrace it: you are alone, you are alone, you are alone and it’s all good – you’ll be ok. (Mejor solo que mal acompañado.) That’s true. And you are such a weirdo. Who would enjoy what you do? You are just too strange. Maybe in another time, maybe there was someone else. Now you’re unlucky. Forget about it, you weirdo! And I mean it in the nicest possible way: just let go and move on. Just forget. (Accept it, assume it, embrace it.) That’s the best you can do. Disappear in silence with your being, with your words, with everything your eyes have seen. There’s no way out, no prescription, no turning back. Move forward. What’s left behind is gone: you are here now standing on your own. Where will you go? Where? Finish whatever is pending and try to fly away, with no return – you’ll be ok. Keep on closing cycles, closing doors that you won’t ever dare to open again. Dream about the unknown, imagine, but don’t assume. The assuming resides only regarding the past; but the future remains true and bright. Start walking, do not stop even when you feel you cannot do it any longer, even when you don’t see the point, just keep on going: one step in front of the other – you’ll be fine.

.

.__________________* * * * *

.

[A YEAR LATER]

Ich will einen Mann, der meine Seele satt macht. (“I want a man, that makes my soul satt”) “Satt machen means making you full, (you stop being hungry)”. Can it be more beautiful? And I have once and twice and thrice repeated it. Bitte, bitte Leben! Lass mir ihn finden! Heute fühle ich mich, fühlte ich mich “full of hope”. Say the full thing in English now: Please, please life! Let me find him! Today I feel, I felt “full of hope”. (I believe and I will keep on believing all over again.) Good, repeat after me:

.

Schwalbe, leih mir deine Flügel

____________________(Swallow, lend me your wings)

Nimm mich mit ins ferne Land

____________________(Take me to the distant land)

Und schwebt ich frei

____________________(And I’ll float free)

Mit dir dort oben,

____________________(With you up there,)

am ewig blauen Firmament

____________________(in the eternally blue firmament)

Wie will ich dann begeistert loben

____________________(How can I then enthusiastically praise)

Den Gott, den man die Freiheit nennt?

____________________(The God who is called freedom?)

.

Have you realized that’s what I’ve been, that’s who I am? Why do I want to put myself now under some other (dis)guise? Love you, want you, accept you! This is what you have always been. Cherish it, caress it, fight for it! For freedom is your love and not a “he”.

.

A M E N