Patients

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Two men work in the kitchen of a Ghanaian restaurant: the head chef, whose ethnicity is Ghanaian, and the sous chef, whose ethnicity is Jamaican. They chop purple onions, thyme, tomatoes, Scotch bonnet peppers and plantain. As the kitchen is open, the chefs overhear the customers, including two men, whose ethnicities are Nigerian: one of whom is of the Yoruba tribe, the other of the Igbo. Sat at a table, the Nigerian men peruse menus, chatting about the past and politics of Nigeria:

THE YORUBA MAN

My sister speaks with the Queen’s English. When we are in Nigeria–

THE IGBO MAN

--She must be careful!

THE YORUBA MAN

Yes--

THE IGBO MAN

–Hehe, they will take her money, o–

THE YORUBA MAN

They have tried!

THE IGBO MAN

Wahala dey o!

THE YORUBA MAN

--She sticks out like a sore thumb! When we are in Nigeria, I have to tell her to shut up! Because when Nigerians hear the Queen’s English, they hear cha-ching. They hear money.

THE IGBO MAN

It's true.

The Nigerian men are interrupted by a waiter who serves them drinks: one is alcoholic, the other not. THE YORUBA MAN takes a hold of his cold, perspiring glass. He swishes ice cubes. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. He, then, takes a sip, then a swig, of his alcoholic beverage: an Ògógóró. THE IGBO MAN sips from his glass slowly, but surely, as THE YORUBA MAN addresses him:

THE YORUBA MAN

Are you still working as a nurse?

THE IGBO MAN

Yes, I am still working as a nurse.

THE YORUBA MAN

Looking after patients is hard work.

THE IGBO MAN

Yes, it is!

THE YORUBA MAN

My brother is a care worker, that is how I know. I, personally, would not have the patience--

THE IGBO MAN

--Those are not patients. They are residents.

THE YORUBA MAN

What do you mean?

THE IGBO MAN

They-- care workers-- do not call them patients, that is what I mean. The same mistake is made with support workers, too. They do not call them patients, they call them service users.

THE YORUBA MAN

They are synonyms.

THE IGBO MAN

What are?

THE YORUBA MAN

They are the same: Patients, residents, service users...

THE IGBO MAN

(Shaking his head:) I do not know about that.

THE YORUBA MAN

They are consumers of goods and services... Like congregants.

THE IGBO MAN

(Laughing:) Are you saying congregants are consumers? Your congregants?

THE YORUBA MAN

(Laughing:) Yes.

THE IGBO MAN

It is simony!

THE YORUBA MAN

It is work! Like any other job.

THE IGBO MAN

What goods and services are you selling to your buyers, exactly?

THE YORUBA MAN drinks hard liquor like water: he takes another swig from his glass. Clink. Clink. THE YORUBA MAN flashes a smile at THE IGBO MAN who flashes one, too. THE YORUBA MAN calls the waiter to file a complaint about the food taking too long and orders another alcoholic beverage to kill two birds with one stone. Ice cubes swish: clink, clink. THE YORUBA MAN, then, closes the philosophical debate and answers THE IGBO MAN's question:

THE YORUBA MAN

Hehe, we-- pastors-- do not call them patients, we call them congregants, but the words, as I said, are synonyms. They are the same. They are patients because they are sick. Because they are in need of healing. I do what is within my power, but I cannot heal them: I am no doctor. (Smiling, chuckling.)