The Diamond of Tonga

“This is the life, Reb,” Seth said, resting.

“Mhm,” Rebecca replied, nestling herself deeper into the lounge chair with him.

“Fuck New Zealand, let’s just be island hoppers,” Seth said.

Rebecca giggled.

The mini-yacht they’d rented kept a relaxing, steady pace. They would be in Fiji before the evening hit.

“There’s so much room on this deck,” Rebecca said, “What would anyone need a full-sized yacht for?”

“Orgy parties,” replied Seth, matter-of-factly.

“Oh yeah? What would you know about those?”

“I plead the fifth.”

“Oh. Big man gets a big yacht— thinks he’s top shit all of a sudden,” Rebecca said, giggling.

“All of a sudden? What do you mean? I’ve always thought I was top shit. You did too apparently, or you wouldn’ta married me.”

They embraced for a moment and shared a kiss.

Rebecca pulled away. “Champagne?” she suggested, biting her lip.

“Trying to liquor me up so you can take advantage of me?”

“Precisely.”

“Well in that case, get the big glasses.”

Rebecca jumped up and started toward the cockpit, which had a staircase leading down into the living quarters. Seth turned over to look at her ass in the new yellow bikini he had bought her as a honeymoon present. It matched his own swim trunks.

I’m one lucky motherfucker, he thought.

“Where’s the champagne kept?” she called.

“In the cooler.”

“Red or blue cooler?”

“Red—”

He stifled himself. His cheery mood suddenly dissipated.

How the fuck does she know about the blue cooler? He thought.

He stood up and walked quickly to the cockpit, glancing at the steering wheel. Autopilot was doing its job swimmingly, but he didn’t trust it while they weren’t on deck. He shut it off. The boat began decelerating.

“Hey babe,” he said, catching up to her as she entered the living quarters.

“I can grab it babe. Don’t worry.”

She turned to him, and he looked worried.

“Something up?” she asked.

“Nah, just wanted to check on something real quick.”

He swept past her, picking one of his shirts off the ground as he went, shuffling into the master bedroom.

She eyed him, concerned.

He threw the bundled shirt on top of his luggage, then dropped down on all fours, and scooped up the covers of their bed to look underneath it.

Fuck! He thought. The blue cooler was gone. Fuck! That fucking bitch! Where the fuck did she hide it? How did she know about it?

He stamped around the bedroom, half-collecting himself, before he emerged with a sort of gentle explosion, thrusting open the door so that it only hit the wall slightly hard.

What the fuck am I trying to be calm for? I’ve caught her red-handed.

Rebecca was nowhere in the living quarters. The red cooler she went to retrieve hadn’t budged, and the champagne glasses were still fully stocked.

She knows I’ve caught onto her.

Seth stormed back up the stairs. There weren’t many other places she could have gone.

“Stay the fuck back!” he heard as he emerged onto the deck. Rebecca had pulled a pistol from her purse, and she had it trained on him.

“Woah! Reb, what the fuck?” he shouted. His hands went up in the air instinctively. “Where’d you get that thing?”

“Fuck you, where’d I get this thing! You weren’t gonna tell me you stole the fucking diamond?”

“I was gonna wait until I took it to my guy!”

“Bullshit! We go fifty-fifty! That was the deal!”

“We’re still gonna go fifty-fifty baby! Now put the fucking gun down, you’re freakin’ me the fuck out!”

“How many more coolers you got in this fucking boat? How much stolen shit’s in our place in Auckland that I don’t know about?”

“Nothing. Just the shit I told you about!”

“How much more shit did you steal from that museum in Tonga?”

“In Nuku’alofa? Just the diamond. That’s fucking more than enough, Reb. That thing's worth like ten-fuckin-million!”

“When did you even manage to grab that?”

“When you were showin’ off your tits to that fucking museum guide. I told you that fucking dress was distracting!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you.”

A smile grew across Seth’s face. Rebecca tried to hold back her own smile, but she broke. She burst out giggling and lowered her gun. Seth, in turn, lowered his hands.

“Jesus,” he said, “I’ve never been so scared and turned on at the same time.”

He walked over to Rebecca, and they embraced again.

“Sorry I pointed my gun at you,” she said.

“Hey, I knew it was coming eventually— just didn’t think it’d be on our honeymoon. You’re ahead of the game.”

She giggled as they locked eyes and bodies for a romantic moment.

He inhaled slowly, then, with devilish sincerity, he said: “Now seriously, where’s the fucking blue cooler?”

She tried to pull away, but he had locked her arms down at her side. The pistol remained in her hand, but she was powerless to use it.

“Come one babe,” he said calmly, “Remember that ring I bought you? 24 karats— bought with cash. You really think I wouldn’t split ten-milly with you?”

She tried harder to pull away, but she was pinned still.

“Let me go, motherfucker!” she spouted.

“Drop the gun and I will”.

She cocked back her head, and fired it forward like a piston, bashing his nose with her forehead.

“Fuck!” he shouted. He kept hold of her as she loaded up another headbutt. He cranked on her elbow, and she squealed, releasing the gun.

It fell to the deck as he shoved her back. He quickly picked it up and pointed it at her. Her hands now went in the air.

“Aw,” he said, clicking a switch on it, “you didn’t have the safety off? So, you weren’t planning to shoot me after all”

“It must have clicked back on when I dropped it,” she said.

He gave a nod as if to say, Fair enough.

“Okay,” he said, “First off— I love you. Second, we have to go down into the boat now, and you have to lead me to where you hid the blue cooler. Okay?”

He turned her around, and walked her forward in front of him, holding the gun to her back. They descended back down into the living quarters. The boat sat nearly still in the water now.

“By the way,” he said, “Don’t think I’m afraid to damage the merchandise. Bullet wounds only make a hot woman hotter.”

She walked up to the door leading to the guest bedroom, and halted.

“Go on,” he said.

She was reluctant. He urged her again, and suddenly, a noise came from inside. It was a muffled sound, followed by stomping. Seth recoiled at the sound.

“Who the fuck you got in there?” he yelled.

The muffled sounds came louder and clearer now.

“Jesus Christ Reb! Did you fucking tie someone up in there? Go!”

He shoved her forward and she pushed the door. It swung open to reveal her handy work.

Before them was the Tongan native, Aleki, who they had paid to watch their boat for three-days earlier in their trip. He was a tourism guide— about twenty-six years old by the look of him— and he was wearing slacks and a blue polo that said “Mālō e lelei” on it, which just meant “Hello” in Tongan.

He was tied to a chair, as Seth had guessed, and his mouth had been duct taped shut. There was a sizable hematoma on his sizable forehead.

“Oh, fuck! Fuck, Reb!”

“What the fuck did you want me to do?” she shouted, “He found the fucking diamond under the bed.”

“Oh fuck! Fuck!”

“Say something else besides fuck!”

“Shit!” he exclaimed, “What the fuck are we gonna do with him? We can’t just release him in fucking Fiji!”

“I don’t know! I panicked!”

“That’s a big fucking boy, Reb! What did you have to fucking bludgeon him with to get him down?”

“I used your driver.”

“My driver? Like, my fucking golf club ‘driver’? Jesus, you coulda fucking killed him!”

“I wouldn’t have needed too fucking do it if you didn’t stash a ten-million dollar diamond under our bed while he was watching our fucking boat!”

“Well, what the hell was he doing snooping under our bed?”

Seth ripped the duct tape from Aleki’s face.

“What the fuck were you thinking, huh? What the fuck am I supposed to do with you now?”

“Fuck you,” Aleki shouted.

“Oh, great. He talks like you, Reb. Look, I’m a reasonable man, Alec—”

“Aleki!” he corrected.

“Fuck you. Listen. I propose we let you off in Fiji, we give you enough money to get yourself back to Nuku’alofa, and you keep this to yourself forever. We’ll even give you some of the money we get from the diamond, as an apology. Does that sound good?”

“The second you untie me, I’m diving overboard, and I’m swimming to the nearest police boat to rat on your ass.”

“Fuck, man. Seriously? I’m trying to keep from fucking killing you here! Help me the fuck out with that!”

Suddenly, as the reality of their situation set in, Rebecca started to panic.

“Fuck! Seth, baby! Seth baby, what are we going to do? I don’t wanna kill him!” she said, tears welling in her eyes.

“I don’t either, Reb, but Batman here isn’t giving us much of a fucking choice!” replied Seth.

“Fuck you!” Aleki responded.

“Seth!” Rebecca shouted, tears now rolling down her cheeks.

“Rebbeca please,” he screamed, beginning to lose his own cool, “Just let me fucking weigh the options for a second!”

“Shoot him Seth! Just get it fucking over with!” she yelled, pushing and pulling on his shoulder.

“What, and leave a fucking crime scene in a rental boat?”

“I don’t know what else to do! Throw him overboard?”

“So he fucking drowns to death? That’s like, inhumane isn’t it?”

“You two are fucking insane!” Aleki chimed in.

Rebecca converted her terror into anger now, and let it flood out at Aleki. She began fervently cursing at him, and he replied likewise. Their hateful duet filled the tiny guest room and drove Seth halfway to madness. He switched between looking down at his gun, and picturing himself tossing the tied up man into the ocean. Neither option was ideal.

The screaming continued. He could only handle so much flared emotion at once.

Just fucking do it! He thought, You can deal with the blood later! Just fucking do it to shut her up!

He raised the pistol. It was a foot from Aleki’s face.

Aleki squirmed in the chair, yelling, fighting against the restraints as his neck strained to move his head out of the bullet’s path. The chair nearly fell backward, but he rebalanced himself. Rebecca jumped away from him.

Seth’s finger trembled over the trigger. He was trying to fight back his morals, but they were currently winning. He shut them out the only way he could think to, by shouting over them. The shout started low, and quickly built up to something of a war cry. It helped, but he still hadn’t pulled the trigger. He saw the terror in Aleki’s face. That’s it! He shut his eyes and turned away from the man, still screaming, and his finger began to squeeze.

Suddenly, a siren came.

It overtook the screaming, and the three of them fell silent, as if to make sure the sound was real. Seth lowered the gun immediately.

The siren was indeed real, and now came a voice following it: “You in the yacht, come out with your hands up please. This is Fiji police.”

Rebbeca was deathly still.

“Seth?” she whimpered.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Seth thought.

Aleki let out a groan, followed by a unique chuckle which one only utters when they’ve escaped death by an inch.

“Please come out with your hands up,” the voice repeated, “We won’t ask nicely again.”

Seth had to think— fast.

Okay, he thought, You fucking got this. You’ve spoken to cops a million times. Just be cool.

He nervously started out of the guest bedroom.

“Seth!” Rebecca whisper-shouted, “the gun!”

He looked at her dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open. Then he looked at the pistol for a second, and simply dropped it, before darting out of the room.

“Seth—” she attempted, but he was already halfway up the stairs.

On the deck, Seth saw the megaphone tower of a small police boat which was idling alongside their yacht. He stepped up to the railing, and craned his head over to see three officers aboard. They had their guns drawn, pointing at him.

“Hands up!” one of them shouted.

He quickly obliged, and said, “Officers! There’s clearly something amiss here,” but the guilt was audible in his nervous voice.

“Are you armed?” The officer asked, ignoring him.

“No, not at all.”

“Okay, turn around, put your back to the railing, and hang your arms over the rails behind you.”

Seth did as instructed, without a word. He could not speak. He could only focus on how rapidly his heart was beating.

“Now grab the railing, and keep hold of it while we make our way onto the boat.”

He grabbed the railing, trying to slow his breathing, trying to calm himself. He heard the first officer beginto scale up the ladder and onto the boat.

He jammed his eyes shut and slowed his breathing further. Finally, a clear thought came to him:

My gun. Why did I leave my fucking gun?

He opened his eyes.

Facing the boat’s cockpit, he saw Aleki emerge, the gun in his hand, the blue cooler tucked beneath his arm. He could only guess what had happened to Rebecca down there.

Fuck, he thought.

Aleki pointed the gun at Seth— only, he did not hesitate like Seth had. There was a flash and smell of something burning. Then, before he could even acknowledge the sheer force of the projectile that pierced his chest, Seth felt himself toppling backwards over the railing. On the way down, his neck made contact with the side of the police boat, flipping his momentum forward, and sending him head first into the ocean below.

As the officer leapt onto the min-yacht, he swiveled to watch Seth’s demise, then snapped his attention on Aleki.

“Mālō e lelei,” Aleki said.

The officer relaxed his posture. “Mālō e lelei,” he replied, “I’m guessing you’re the one who called us back on Tonga?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Aleki said.

“So I’m guessing the diamond is in there? I didn’t even know Tonga had a famous diamond”

“We don’t,” Aleki said, “They shot a James Bond movie there once. The diamond was a prop from the movie”.

“Why would they want to steal a movie prop?”

“Dumbasses probably didn’t listen to their tour guide. Otherwise they would have known”.