Passport

“Please step to the side, Mr. Joley, and an officer will be with you shortly.”

“Okay, but what’s the problem?”

“The officer will explain everything when he gets here. Now please step aside, you’re holding up the line.”

The word shortly has many meanings depending on the country a traveler happens to be in. In this country, it appears to be 45 minutes.

“Mr. Joley, my name is Officer Boulanger. Please grab your bag and follow me. I see you have a French last name. Do you speak French?”

“No. My family came to America around 300 years ago, and we let the language die out.”

“Being American, I thought that would be the case. Most of your kind only speak one language. Okay, English it is. Please have a seat. This officer needs to inspect your bag while we discuss some things.”

“I’m sure 'My Kind' helps keep the local economy rolling along. So, Officer Boulanger, what is this all about? I’m supposed to be meeting some friends in an hour. We’re booked on a diving vacation.”

“Unfortunately, you will need to change your plans. You see, you do not have a valid passport, so I cannot let you into our country.”

“This must be some kind of a mistake. I renewed my passport 6 months ago, and if it weren’t valid, they wouldn’t have let me on the plane to come here. Some information must have been copied incorrectly. Will you recheck it, please?”

“I assure you, sir, we have checked and rechecked your document, and it is invalid. Do you have your birth certificate with you?”

“No, who carries that around with them? I do have a driver’s license and my Veterans I.D. They are both picture IDs if they will help. Here, these should prove I’m me.”

“These tell me where you live, but they don’t tell me where you were born. I’m sorry, Mr. Joley, but you’ll need to get your passport issue fixed before I can let you into the country.”

“Fine. Would you happen to have the phone number for the local American Consulate?”

“I’m afraid you're out of luck once again, Mr. Joley. Saint Lucia has no US Embassy or Consulate. You may try contacting the American Embassy in Jamaica. They have liaised with our government in the past. Of course, your American phone will have no service in this country. You’ll need to buy a local plan with international calling.”

“You know, this isn’t worth all this hassle over a stupid dive trip. I’m just going to change my return ticket and head back home today.”

“That would be a simple solution if it were possible, but without a valid passport, the airlines will not let you board. It’s all about security, you know.”

“No, I don’t know, just like I don’t know how a perfectly good passport becomes invalid while I’m enroute to here, unless someone hacked the system and messed with my identity. Have you looked into that possibility, Officer?”

“Cybercrimes are not my department, Mr. Joley; illegals are. My associate is finished inspecting your things if you’d like to repack your bag.”

“So, he only knows how to unpack bags, is what you’re saying. Sure, let me fix this mess. Where can I get a hotel until I straighten this out?”

“Oh, I don’t think you understand. You can remain at the airport, or you can stay at the local jail. We can’t allow illegals roaming around unsupervised.”

“I think I’m beginning to get the picture. I’m probably not the first person to experience this mix-up. How much did it cost them to reinstate their passports?”

“Those other unfortunate travelers eventually paid a fine of $1000.00 plus an additional $1000.00 for a temporary passport issued by our government that is valid for 24 hours.”

“Just to make sure we are on the same page, if I pay you, as the authorized government representative $2000.00 I’ll be good to go back to the States. Correct?”

“I believe you understand perfectly. No checks or credit cards, cash only please. There is an ATM down the corridor if you’re not carrying that much cash.”

“This cleans me out, but I have the cash, and as soon as you hand me the temporary passport, I’ll be happy to hand it over to you.”

“I just so happen to have one here in my briefcase. Shall we complete the transaction, Mr. Joley?”

“Here you go, Officer Boulanger. I hope your government puts it to good use.”

“And here are your documents. Have a good flight home.”

“Oh, before you go, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. He’s been waiting outside the room since we came in here. His name is Inspector Clouseau from the Royal Saint Lucia Police Department, Fraud Division. I’m sure you two will have a lot to talk about.”