Names

It was always there. In the same exact spot. The edges of the little black notebook lined up so perfectly within the thin layer of dust on the desk, it made me wonder if he even used it anymore. Knowing Roger, he did. There was not a thing in his life that he didn’t have a use for, including me.

“So, it’s settled then?”

The sound of his voice startled me and I looked away from the black book. Roger was staring at his computer screen, my mental prying had gone unnoticed.

“Yes, I’ll take care of it this afternoon Roger.” He didn’t say anything, didn’t look away from his computer. His question didn’t really need an answer - after all, when was anything unsettled in his life?

“I’m headed out then, you’ll call if you need anything else?” My husband gave me a small nod, and that would be the last acknowledgement I would get from him for the day.

That little black book occupied my mind the entire drive into the city. A small voice in my head warned me it was simply my idle mind at work, but by the time I reached the jewelry store, I was convinced that book was the key to it all. It had to be the answer to all the questions, the explanation for all the lies over the years. I laughed, and the little voice in my head won out. As if any of that could fit into a book that small. Still preoccupied, I pushed open the shop door.

“You sat in your car for so long, I thought your husband had changed his mind!” The woman behind the counter laughed nervously. I met her eye, if Roger backed out on this deal now, the store would go under for sure. I looked at all the sparkling jewelry around the small room – I did always love a good sparkle, but what had drawn Roger to this place? I never understood his choice of investments, he made sure I didn’t. Yet another part of his life kept in the dark, another little black book of secrets.

“Mr. King will be wanting to see these I’m sure, I’ll just put them all in this case for you then?” The woman was shoving papers into a briefcase, clearly in a rush to get this handled and me out of her shop.

“Sure, thanks.” I took the case and smiled at her, hoping I looked reassuring and kind. But she looked right through me, a fake smile plastered to her own face.

“Well, here you go then.” I handed her an envelope, knowing full well that the check inside was the only reason she was still smiling at me. I left the store with a wave, why put the poor woman under any more stress.

What must people think of me, being married to Roger. I used to love the furtive glances people gave me when we walked into a room. The thrill of being with a powerful man was intoxicating. But the years passed, and I was starting to see things a bit differently. Maybe those sneaking glances at Roger weren’t laced with jealousy, but fear or disdain? Maybe those women staring weren’t envious of my place on my husband’s arm. I no longer knew. The shady business dealings Roger had once so curiously described as “murky money-makers”, had clouded our marriage to a point of no return.

I had been in a bad mood before the shop visit, now I felt I was entering a really dark place. Seeing the shop owner so agitated, so anxious to be rid of me – how terribly unfair of Roger! What a fool I was, the unwitting face of all his dirty work. I opened the passenger side door and threw in the briefcase. It popped open and papers spilled out everywhere.

“Damn it! They can stay there!”

I started the car, shaking my head. I looked down at the papers, I knew I was going to have to pick them up. That’s when I saw it, a little black notebook. I stared, it was identical to the one on Roger’s desk.

“What on earth?” I picked it up. The store owner was watching me. She hurried away from the window, pulling out her cellphone as she went. Calling my husband, no doubt warning him that I had found out the big secret of the little black books. I laughed out loud at this one, truly I needed something to better occupy my mind! I opened the notebook.

Names. Page after page of them. I didn’t recognize any of them, in fact most of them seemed to be Eastern European, at least so I guessed. The handwriting wasn’t Roger’s, so he was expecting this delivery from the shop owner? I looked back at the jewelry store, the lady was gone from view. Something told me I should get moving.

My heart was racing. I pulled off the road. There had to be a reasonable explanation – what were these names? Who were these people? Other investors? Potential buyers?

I picked up the scattered papers from the briefcase, there had to be more information in there somewhere. That’s when the alarm bells really went off. The papers were all blank, every single one. This is what Roger was paying for? Blank papers and a little black notebook full of names? I flipped the case upside down and shook it. Stacks of hundred dollar bills fell out.

There had to be at least $20,000 here, more money than I had ever held in my hands. I knew Roger and I were more than well off, but to be holding that much money – it was almost thrilling enough to distract me from the ominous list of names sitting in my lap. Visions of a one-way flight to some place far away flashed across my mind. I shoved the money into my purse.

“Just for safe keeping…” I said to the empty car, as though it might be judging me.

Rain started to hit the windshield as I drove home. That little voice in my head was long gone, replaced by a much louder, frightened one. I had known for so long that Roger had dark dealings, but this was far worse than I had imagined. Money trading hands when it shouldn’t, buying out businesses when they were at their most desperate – all of this I expected. But a list of names? What was happening here? I had to get my hands on the matching black book sitting so neatly on Roger’s desk. The house came into view, and a little thrill of excitement joined the fear in my chest. An idle mind no longer.