Me and Alan

Hey what are you doing here? Douglas asks me with a rudeness that takes me aback. I'm sorry, he says, it's just that I wasn't expecting you to be here. I am here Douglas, to pay my respects to a fellow human being. Besides, Alan was a good frenemy of mine. "Frenemy", Douglas uses the douchebag quotes in the air. Yeah, we couldn't help but compete with each other, I tried hard to be comfortable around him but we always ended up arguing over something stupid. I think there was an insidious spirit of competition between us. Now that he's gone, who am I supposed to banter with? Douglas looked visibly uncomfortable, then excused himself and made a sprint to the food table. I looked around, everyone looking appropriately sad, moving slowly, I was bored. I thought, what the hell, I would check out Alan's house. First, I'd eat my weed to calm my ass down, seeing Douglas stressed me out. He knows that I hated Alan half of the time and showing up to his funeral was probably bad form to him. Who cares, Douglas is an a-hole who married his high school sweet skank and had two mediocre babies. What a loser. I was curious about Alan's house. He was such a private guy, he never invited me over. I slowly walked up the stairs, they were carpeted so I barely made noise. I turned the corner and there I see his master bedroom. I hurriedly walk across the balcony and make my way inside and shut the door. What a psycho! His room was as neat as the demons in his head. Then I saw it. A black book, it was kind of beautiful, it was made of soft leather with a slim leather strap that wrapped around it. I didn't know Alan journaled, the things you find out when someone kicks the bucket. There was a small sliver of a torn piece of paper underneath the strap. I pulled out the paper and there was one word written on it, "chuckcherry". I immediately knew this was for me. I had problems saying the word charcuterie, those boards that have cheese, meat etc, Alan thought it was hysterical how I had pronounced it. I opened the soft black book and what I saw were a list of dares so it seemed. As I always do, I flipped to the last page and there it was. Dearest friend (how did he know I looked at the last page of any book), this black book is my own little nightmare crafted just for you. Upon completion, you can contact my attorney listed here and you will be promptly cut a check for three hundred thousand dollars. Do not think about cheating, I have people watching. Love, Alan.

I turned back to the first page and read the first thing listed. Jump out of an airplane, no tandem. Compete this no later than the first Saturday coming up. Happy freefall jerk-off! Then I read the next task, tell your secret crush you love them and have at least one witness. I closed the black book at this point. The anger surged through me, these tasks were cruel even for Alan. He knew I hated to fly and the thought of jumping out of an airplane, made me want to vomit. The second task was even worse. My crush was a man who has been my friend for years. He nor anyone else knows that I am gay. This guy is never gonna talk to me again and Alan knows it, or knew. How did Alan know? Unfortunately I am going to be audited in a few weeks by the IRS and have used my creative writing skills to help my finances. Not to mention the embezzling that I have partook in to fund my vices. The only way this all goes away is with a crap-load of cash. I opened the book quickly and glanced at the third task. By this time, my stomach was lurching. I was already sweating the first two and now the grand finale. I had to post on Facebook that I was gay and reveal again my feelings for my longtime friend. Furthermore, I had to announce that I'd be celebrating my 'coming out' by jumping out of the airplane in Taft, California and would love to have my friends there to witness my jump. This post needs to be created before midnight tonight. I slowly closed the book and sat down on his bed like I were 90 years old. I stared at Alan's picture on the night stand. Out loud I whispered, I'm happy you're dead. You knew I would do it, didn't you? No regrets Alan, I'd kill you again.