I Guess Now We Are Criminals

It was a brisk November evening in Des Moines, Iowa; Alice was mindlessly swiping left and right on her recently created Tinder profile. She stops on one profile that catches her eye. His name was Derrick, he had 2 cats, no kids and a seemingly nice job considering the backdrop of most of his photos. How can this guy be real? How would he ever be single? She asked herself. He was beyond hot, prompting her to swipe right an lo and behold they matched. She couldn’t believe her luck, how could a guy like him be interested in a girl like me? She felt her heart start to race a little when he messaged her asking how her day was. They talked all day and night and he seemed to be really interested Alice. He was asking all sorts of questions about her life and family. After about a week of chatting, Derrick finally asked when they could meet up to meet face to face. Although she felt like she had known this man her whole life after only a week, she opted to meet in public first. Derrick suggested a nice dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants in the whole city. He lives further out from the city so he told her he would just get a hotel room for the night. She thought “I know where that’s going” but told herself that she will just have to see how dinner goes first. Little did she know she had absolutely no idea how this date would end.

Alice put on the nicest outfit she owned and headed over the restaurant where Derrick was already waiting for her. To her surprise he looked exactly like his photos. She approached him feeling the nerves over power her as she reached out to shake his hand. What am I doing? I am so embarrassed, she thought to herself as she started to extend her hand but without missing a beat derrick kisses the back of her hand and says “its so good to finally meet you”. As he says this, she couldn’t stop thinking to herself I am absolutely going to his hotel tonight. They sit down at a table that was secluded from the rest where they had the best conversations full of laughter. Alice never wanted this date to end so as the table starts getting cleared she suggests maybe they should finish their date in his hotel room. He happily obliged and drove them both over to the place he was staying for the night. Once they got up to the room it didn’t take long for the action to start. She normally doesn’t do these things on the first date but she was willing to make the exception this time. Shortly after, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

When she woke up the next morning, she looked to the spot next to her, but Derrick was gone and all that was left was a note on his pillow. Her heart sank as she opened the note which just read “sorry to do this to you but it’s for work, talk to you soon”. Assuming it was just his very demanding job that making him get up and leave that early, she turned over to get her clothes on to leave. That’s when she noticed a steak knife sitting on the end table that looked like the one she used at the restaurant the night before. Confused and wondering if she took the knife from the restaurant she headed to the bathroom where she saw a dead man sitting in pool of blood. Alice panicked, thinking some terrible accident happened to Derrick when he was getting ready to leave. She turns over the body and realizes she doesn’t recognize this man and it definitely was not an accident, the mans throat was slashed.

She screams and runs to her phone and begins to dial 911 but then starts to worry what they will think. Are they going to think I murdered this man? I mean I woke up in a random hotel room with a knife next to me and a dead man in the bathroom. She quickly ends the call and decides to FaceTime her best friend Elizabeth. Liz, knowing that Alice had gone on this date eagerly answers the phone asking how the date went.

Well! He’s a murderer.

Oh... I see so he murdered that-

NO! LIZ! I MEAN THERES A DEAD GUY IN THE BATHROOM!

Oh, that’s not good.

NO SHIT LIZ WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I’VE NEVER MURDERED ANYBODY!

WELL NEITHER HAVE I!

That’s when out of the corner of her eye she sees a large black duffle bag sitting on a chair. Did Derrick leave his stuff here? Is he coming back? She opens the duffle bag to reveal a little black notebook and a ton of cash. She opened the notebook to find written on the first page: As you can tell I’m not coming back. Well, I guess that answers one question Alice thinks to herself. On the next page was written:

There is $120,000 in this bag follow these steps and $20,000 of it is yours. Fail to do so and you will be framed for Greg’s murder. I guess the dead guy is Greg, Alice says out loud, forgetting that Liz was still on the phone.

WHO’S GREG!

JESUS CHRIST! I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHO GREG IS! DERRICK LEFT ME THIS NOTE TELLING ME TO FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS OR ILL BE FRAMED FOR IT!

HOW DO YOU ALWAYS GET YOURSELF INTO SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN! SITUATIONS LIKE THIS?

Whatever! Where are you? Liz asked.

The Des Lux Downtown.

Okay I’m on my way.

You’re the best.

Alice gets off the phone with Liz and goes to turn the next page in the notebook to find the instructions Derrick had left for her:

1. Clean up the mess. Don’t forget the knife.

2. Take Greg to the next room over and place him in the bathroom. The rom key is tapped to the back of this book.

3. Bring the duffle and meet me at this address at 6:00pm tonight.

After about 45 minutes Liz calls to come let her up to the room.

What took you so long?

We needed some supplies.

You scare me sometimes.

They put on the nitrile gloves and got to work on step 1. Liz started in the bedroom, removing all the bedding and putting it in garbage bags. Alice got to work on the bathroom cleaning up the blood. When Liz finished the bedroom, she took the key that was taped to the notebook and went next door to grab the bedding, so they had something to wrap Greg in to take him to the other room. Alice always knew Liz had a thing for true crime but had no idea if she made the right call. Now they are covering up a murder and they seemed to be doing a good job which is what scared her the most. Alice wanted to give up and call the police, but she realized they were in too deep at this point and if she turned back now she wouldn’t get the $20,000 he promised for finishing the job. She knew she would be splitting that with Liz though because if they do get away with it, it would all be thanks to her.

When they finished the first two steps of Derricks checklist, they headed to Alice’s apartment to reflect on all the crimes they just committed and waited for their meeting with Derrick at 6:00. They plugged in the address from the notebook into the GPS and headed that way knowing full well they were about to have a meeting with a murderer in 30 minutes. When they get there, they found a very nice house and not some sort of trap house like they were expecting. Derrick was there sitting on a porch swings with one of his cats. When he sees Alice get out of the car he gets up and exclaims “Alice! So glad you could make it” while coming in for hug but Alice pushes him away.

Do you have any idea what you just put me through! Yeah silly I wrote the instructions, Derrick said sarcastically. Furiously, Alice throws the passenger door of the car where the duffle bag was resting by Liz’s feet. Alice picks up the bag and throws it at Derrick’s feet. Derrick see’s Liz sitting awkwardly in the car. Oh! You brought a friend into our relationship? Can you trust her? Derrick asked. First of all, this is not a relationship second, you’re a psychopath and third, obviously I trust her I called her before the police.

Did you call the police?

No, I didn’t but now I think I should of.

Well, if you did you wouldn’t get any of this cash. Derrick reaches down and pulls out two stacks of cash and hands them to Alice. There is $20,000 there and if from a month from now none of us get arrested then I’ll give you another $20,000. Puzzled, Alice turns around and throws one of the stacks to Liz. Liz catches the stack and they both share a long moment of just staring at the stack of money in their hands and then each other. After staring at each other for a second they both start bursting into laughter.

The shock of the whole situation had finally caught up to them and the laughter turned into crying. The crying turned back into laughter when one of them say the other crying. A confused Derrick was still standing awkwardly waiting for the girls to settle down. That’s when offered to the girls that there was something that he needed to do and he would pay them another $20,000 to help him.

I’m not killing anyone said Alice. Me neither said Liz.

Derrick promised it was nothing like that, it was going to be an easy job and that Greg’s murder was a ‘special circumstance’. Liz and Alice just stared at each other for a minute until both of them were smiling again Alice looked at her best friend and said “I guess we are criminals now.”