Guido The Knife

We were able to meet Guido the Knife at a charity poker tournament for an organization he and his friends run called “Mooks for Money.” I assume this is a very good charity as I witnessed several politicians there handing Guido and his associate, Vinny the Mac, envelopes that surely contained donations. I had gotten the invitation from another associate who calls himself Luigi the Pope.

“Every local businessman needs friends like us,” he had stated.

“Why?” I asked.

“Every watch ‘The Godfather?’”

Now having seen every gangster movie to date, of which The Godfather is the best, I knew what he was getting to. I was expected to marry a Sicilian woman and offer refuses that I could not make. Having relayed this message to Luigi I was given what could only be described as the “Harry Eye.” I knew a Harry that was very good at this, but his scar was much more impressive.

“I was referring to the movie fest Guido is hosting. It’s not like we’re an organized family with both Guido and Vinny as Co-Dons, I as the Consigliere, and several others including Gino Z as one of our Enforcers. Naw, we just like to hang out and play poker.”

I believed him.

Luigi introduced me to Kitty Vittles, allegedly Guido’s main squeeze. How she could squeeze into what she was wearing I’ll never know, or tell. She showed me around the house and introduced me to a dry martini. I made good friend with the martini and met his girlfriend, a white Russian. Unfortunately they in turn helped me find the restroom where cold water became my lover.

Having washed up and feeling much more refreshed I stumbled my way down the hall until I found myself in the ball room. There one could find all sorts of fun things to do with balls. There was a pool table, baseball batting simulator, bowling lane and a full basketball court. Did I fail to mention just how big this house is?

Gino was there, I suppose practicing his batting, although he was nowhere near the simulator. I quietly made my way out of the room and worked my way to the drawing room where the poker was being played. Several of the World Poker Tour champs were playing. Everyone had their bracelets on, showing each other what tournaments they had competed in and won. I felt like I had been shrunken down, placed in a piggy bank full of pennies, and shaken…not stirred. The noises left me wondering if perhaps my vodka induced headache was an act of revenge from a god I once ticked off. The man with the most bracelets had to be Vinny.

Saying the Vinny the Mac is good at poker is like saying the Mike Matusow talks a little. I watch him play a few hands and marveled at how badly his opponents were playing. It seemed that everyone would call all his bets until the river card was thrown, then they would all fold.

Guido found me by this time and ushered me to a room nearby. Luigi was there and offered me a drink. Fearing a reprisal and not wanting to visit my newest porcelain goddess, I passed over all the alcohol to settle on a Cherry Coke. I like how the bubbles pop against my nose.

Vinny joined us, closing and locking the door behind him. I quickly checked behind me, expecting to see Luca Brasi standing there. Guido chuckled and motioned for me to sit.

“We hear you have a certain talent for computers. We also heard you know how to type.”

This is true, as I am currently employed as a Dell installer. The typing part is a fluke, I stab at the keys, and sometimes the typing actually makes sense.

“We have an offer for you…”

“One I cannot refuse?”

Vinny started to laugh, a hideous thing that still wakes me in the middle of the night. He sounded like a goose in heat.

“We are in need of someone to write out in book form everything that our ‘organization’ has been involved with. In doing this you will have been able to be in the favor of our family.”

“And the pay?”

Guido smiled, “How about an exclusive autographed picture of each of us.”

So there ya go. I got a picture of each of the Mooks and got them autographed. Keep an eye out for the books we are working on. The first looks like it will be called “A Mook For All Time" by Duane Coyle. Rumor is it is for sale on a little website called Amazon. Guido will be having a big party at a local book dealer, people are expected to line up this week, stand in the rain, and maybe get an autographical signature.

If you would rather just skip the line and buy the book directly like, you can follow this link. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08TRNXCGM