For Freedom

Freedom lived in a house on September. She was the type of girl that asked too many questions, and stuck her nose everywhere. I think that’s why she got killed. Rumor has it the Kirkpatrick’s tied her up and threw her body off of Pt. Pier. I can just picture Billy Joe standing there, lighting up a cigarette and hopefully getting cancer. His breath reeked of trash and urinals. Road kill.

I wanted nothing to do with the Kirkpatrick’s. They were scumbags at best, murderers at worst. Who would go there?

Freedom once said to me, Joanie, you’re beautiful. We were four, in pre-school.

Freedom lived in the nicer neighborhood, with lawns that were daily watered and weekly manicured. My mama had me in state jail.

I guess I was lucky, though. At least I knew who my daddy was. He came and got me when I was three years old and took me to Arkansas. I remember seeing his eyes for the first time and they was so big. It was like I was looking in a mirror.

I wondered why my mama never came and seen me when she always said I was her baby girl. She wrote me letters saying so. When I asked my daddy he said he don’t know. He always shaking his head real slow and saying he don’t know.

One day I asked my Nana that on the phone and she said my mama was dead. I cried and hid under my bed. I remember seeing my daddy’s feet and then Pink Bear dancing around on the floor. Now I laugh but I remember then I hated him and I said I hate you Mr. Nobody and then he went away for a real long time and I hated him even more. My daddy pulled me out and put me in my bed after I had fallen asleep in a puddle of tears and snot coming out my nose.

The next day I didn’t make my bed so he sent me to fetch the mail and said I had to walk the whole way with my feet touching heel to toe, and then open the mailbox with my nose. It took me nearly an hour and when I came back he was talking to somebody on the phone. I never heard him shout so loud before.

When he saw me he hung up and then we drove. We drove for four days.

I remember one night the heat wouldn’t come in no more and I couldn’t feel my fingertips or toes. At the gas station daddy gave me a fistful of quarters and told me to go buy hot chocolate. I asked for extra large but all they had was medium. When I got back to the car daddy was holding a little black notebook against the steering wheel and looking at it like he was thinking about something real serious. I asked what he was doing and he looked up at me and shook his head real slow saying he don’t know.

He put the book in his pocket and started the ignition. He said we’ll drive through the night and if we’re lucky we’ll see the sun rising.

I fell asleep pretty quick after he got to moving and in my dream I was building a sandcastle. I looked up at the ocean and saw my mama standing in the waves. She was smiling at me.

I smiled back and she waved at me to come toward her. I got up and ran across the hot sand as fast as I can but when I got there the waves were too big and I lost her.

I woke up at my Nana’s house. I guess my daddy carried me upstairs and put me in bed without me ever waking. Nana was sitting at the kitchen table counting money out of my daddy’s toolbox. “There’s twenty thousand dollars here,” she said to herself like she couldn’t believe it. I asked her where my daddy went and she looked up at me with the biggest eyes. “Oh," she said and then her eyes got even bigger. "He had to go, Joanie.”

She looked at the toolbox like she still couldn't believe her eyes. "This is all for you." She handed me a little black notebook. It was the one daddy had. I opened it up:

Dear Joanie,

I let myself be used in the most unusual ways.

I have to go but I’ll be back.

I love you.

For Freedom.