Chapter 3: The Raising of a Family part II: The raising of children

PESHAWAR:

Police have registered an FIR against a local resident of Patwar Payan village, Peshawar for raping his 14-year-old daughter.

Police told The Express Tribune that a 14-year-old girl lodged an FIR against her father Muhammad Shafiq alleging that he had been raping her for the past two years.

“An FIR was registered and the accused was arrested by the police who is a tailor. During interrogation he admitted raping his own daughter,” said a police official of Michni Gate police station, adding that the victim had been sent for medical examination and further investigation was underway.

“The girl approached a female relative who encouraged her to report the case to police so she visited the police station and lodged an FIR against her father,” he said.

The cases of incest have been on the rise in the province as previously two cases were reported from Swat district of Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa (K-P) and another was reported from Nowshera district.

Child rights activist Imran Takkar told The Express Tribune that incest violence was more widespread than generally believed and it was not a good sign for society.

Read Woman allegedly raped by ‘kidnappers’

“Children and women are the most vulnerable segment of our society and they are at high risk of rape and sexual violence even by their blood relatives,” he said, adding that most of the times such incidents are covered up by the families in order to save their ‘honour’.

A local psychiatrist Dr Iftikhar said that mothers should be educated to be aware of the possibility of incest behaviour of their husbands or sons.

“Mothers should look after their adult daughters well. They must confront the bribing or threatening behaviour of their husbands or sons towards their daughters,” he maintained, saying that wives should have a healthy and loving relationship with their husbands and personally take care of them on a daily basis.

Published in The Express Tribune, November 4th, 2021.

The above mentioned article is one of many incidents reported in the news, which have been on the rise only recently. Otherwise, they were all covered up, like it says in the article, to preserve the family’s honor. Even though it meant the young innocent girl being denied justice.

Welcome to the domestic abuse of children in Pakistan.

The abuse that we endured in our family was not something like mentioned above. That story is just written to expose the lie that parents can never choose something bad for their children. Because this is the thinking which is followed here, as explained in the previous chapter.

Coming back to what we endured, I was the eldest, and pretty smart for my age. I was not an average kid, I was the best in my class. But my parents weren’t so interested in our education. Dad was busy with his girlfriends, and mom was busy with her erotica novels. Result: we were neglected. My parents wouldn’t ever come to the school, not even for the result announcements. As soon as I was able to understand and communicate better with the teachers, the school management started telling me that I need to call my parents for certain specific days, especially the result day. I don’t know whose mistake it was, the school’s, my parents' or both (I think both), but when the parents wouldn’t show up, the school would tell the children that their fees are not paid and thus, they will not be permitted to sit in the examinations. They would sometimes not let the children sit in classes just because the parents hadn’t paid the fees.

Was this really our fault though? Didn’t we tell our parents again and again that the school sends notices for the fees to be paid? It’s not like we're absolutely below the poverty line. Both of my parents were working, how is it possible that they cannot pay the fees of their children?

In stark contrast, let me give you the example of my parents-in-law. My father-in-law wasn’t educated himself, my mother-in-law studied until grade 5. But they worked so hard that they got all of their children, 8 of them, a proper and good education. Their uniforms were always neat and clean, they never bought second hand books, and their fees were paid before time. They were exemplary children, their parents made sure that they lacked nothing for their education.

And our family? We were deprived of this privilege. Nothing would nudge my parents. It all continued until the 10th grade, the basic level of education in Pakistan. I cleared all of my exams and had to give the practical exams in school. Our principal insulted me in front of all my friends, and I was ashamed to show my face in the school again, just because I was without money. I told my mother that I won’t be able to sit in for the examination, and told her that the principal has personally requested at least one parent’s presence before I take the exam. She listened silently, told me that she would do something, and did absolutely nothing.

Yes, she did absolutely nothing to help her children. She even told me not to tell my father about it, and that she’ll take care of things. But she didn’t. The exam day came and went, and I was furious over her that she didn’t take leave from work and came home to go with me. And afterwards, when my father found out what had happened, he was just upset, but he also did nothing. He could go to the school and find a way around. I was just a child, what the heck did I know at the time about the world? The parents are supposed to guide us. Yet, they did nothing to further their children’s education.

They couldn’t provide me or any of their children with a good education. And it wasn’t the only neglect that we as children faced. Because of dad’s immoral lifestyle, mother was deeply affected. She became bitter day by day. I would come from school, warm up the food, put ice in the water to cool it, get all the dishes ready and serve my siblings and my grandfather. And after they’d all eaten, I would clean up and put all the dishes to the side. My mother would come home first, she would see everything and instead of saying, “Good job!” she would say, “You did only that? You could’ve washed the dishes also”.

This is no way to get a child motivated to work.

As I was growing up, I took the responsibility to look after my siblings. But my parents and even my grandfather spoiled them. My siblings would be unthankful, disobedient and disrespectful towards me, but my parents and grandparents would encourage it. Grandfather used to say that elder brothers are the servants of the younger children. Not a very good thing to say. Whatever you put in the minds of the children gets ingrained there. They might not say it out loud in words, but deep in their being they do everything based on this notion which is stuck there. Even now they behave with me the same, like I am their servant, and since I don’t listen to all of their demands, I am a disobedient servant. Or a disobedient big brother. Whatever you want to call it. And since I wouldn’t always listen to them, they would have a complaint ready for my father when he would come home. I don’t know why dad was always upset when he would come home. Maybe he was rebuked at work, because I do know that he is one heck of a lazy person. Or maybe he was flirting with a woman and they rebuked him for that. He is famous for being a jerk with women at work. I heard a lot of stories. So he would come home in a bad mood, and if anything would have happened with me and my siblings that day (which usually happened, you know, we were children), they would go straight to my father and complain about me. And my father, without even once asking what had really happened, would beat me like an animal, throwing all his frustration on me. He would throw water jugs, would hit with fists and kicks, would hit with shoes, call me a bastard and many other names and would not stop until he poured all his anger and frustration on me, a 12 year old child. Man he would go really crazy. This started in me to develop a hate for my father and my siblings. Oh, and many times he picked up a knife, just to tell you the severity of the situation.

Before publishing my book, I gave it to my disciple and she told me that it looks like I am having pity on myself. Now that I am reading it again to check, I do see her point. But the reality is, this all did happen to me. These are the experiences I went through. And yes, it is unbelievable to everyone who hears.

A few days ago, I was talking with my wife about all the experiences we had together. It was quite an interesting story. When we first started talking together, I told her everything which was going on in the family. She would always tell me to reconcile with my family. This would embitter me so much, and would cut deep. The whole world doesn’t believe me, and now the woman I love also thinks that I'm exaggerating things. Now, about eight months into marriage and seeing everything for herself, she realized what I went through. Problem is, now she is facing the same critique which I have suffered for ages: that we take the first step towards reconciliation. Why? Because generally it is believed that a child turns out the way he/she is because of their family. She thought that if I am a Bible teacher, and I am so faithful to the Word of God that I don’t compromise things, then I would have been raised like this because of my family. She thought that our family might have a little feud, and everything would be resolved after marriage. That they are God-fearing and devout Christians. During one of the Bible trainings, we were just discussing families and she told in front of everyone that when she saw me and my habits, she thought that my family would be the most amazing family in the world. Her dream to be a daughter-in-law of a very good family would be fulfilled. I am still very sad that she got disappointed. But truth be told, when a couple marries, they have their own family to look after, not the ones they came from. She always hoped, with her parents, that my family would change after our marriage and then after our first child. That man cannot be so cruel as to have enmity with his own seed.

This thinking is unbiblical, the Bible clearly states that man can fall into such degradation that he will do the most vile of things. Just have a look in the Old Testament, men and women burning their children alive in worship to Moloch.

This is further explained in Romans 1:

28 And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a depraved mind, to do those things that are not proper, 29 people having been filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, and evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice; they are gossips, 30 slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31 without understanding, untrustworthy, unfeeling, and unmerciful;

The word “unfeeling” in verse 31 means unloving, the Greek word used here is storgḗ, meaning Storge or familial love, refers to natural or instinctual affection, such as the love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa. This is the most basic type of love a person can have, normally which is an obligation. In Biblical context, this word is used in negative, declining love. That means when a person is increasing in sin, he is declining in every good thing, thus, he declines in his love and increases in his hate. Similarly, a person can give in to so much lovelessness that he won’t love those whom he is obligated to love, the least type of love. This is manifested in children going against their parents, and parents, as hard as it might be to believe, going against their children.

In all this, my mother never came to my rescue, she would just be there and be absorbed in her own affairs. She won’t stop dad, call him to calm down, no one would do it. And he would beat me, and I would be there, helpless, miserable, crying, beaten, unable to do anything, in front of a man who wasn’t tamed. No child deserves a childhood as such. It was terrible. With no toys, but dread only to keep me company, I was deprived. I was mistreated, by the elders and the younger ones. Because of this attitude, my siblings lost all respect for me. In spite of everything I did for them, this is what I got in return.

Me and my wife were watching an Indian film, “Chhichhore” (translated as immature or frivolous). You should watch it too, it’s a good movie. A kid tries to kill himself when he becomes desperate, failing in his exams. Failing in exams never bothered me, I never did fail my exams. But I did contemplate suicide, before I became a Christian. I’d forgotten about that, but watching that movie reminded me how I was before meeting Christ.

One time, I had a digital watch. And it got wet and so was broken. Just the dread that my father will now come and beat me in the evening kept me crying all day. I knew there would be no one to protect me, and I knew how he would behave. Right now, writing all this, I have the strength of a 31 year old man. I can walk into that bloody house that I left behind and give one hell of a beating to my father, making him pay for all his wrongdoings. But I shouldn’t. Because the hell of a culture that I live in will then kill my wife with their words. I personally won’t give a damn, but Rose will. It is for her that I bind my hands and do not exact revenge upon my family.

Sigma Rules

If you’ve ever paid attention in your history class, you will know that men tended to fight over dominion. Before the cities united together to form large socio-economic areas we call today countries, there were city states. Now that was the culture then, the heads of the city states would wage war against each other. The victor would kill the opposing leader, take his wives as his wives, take his loot as his own wealth, would make the people of that city his slaves, would usually kill the men of the city so as not to have rebellion later on, and would extend his kingdom. This pretty much has been and is still now.

But living in the 21st century, people don’t wage war with weapons anymore, but with their intellect. The stronger ones always dominate society. Being the intellectual beings that we are, smarter makes you the de facto leader, but life is not that easy. Others who don’t have brains will use their brawns to make an influence, men use their fists to pronounce themselves as the one having authority. This is the reason for all bullying: boys who are dumb tend to show their dominance by physically bullying the smarter yet weaker kids. Lesson to all boys, don’t just be nerds, be jacked nerds. Otherwise you'll be bullied and harassed and will be the target for competition. This happened to me, so I tell this from personal experience.

If my parents did something right, it was they provided me with resources. In my time, there were cassette tapes, and I had a lot of them: English movies and cartoons. They really exposed me to the reasoning culture of the west. Then, my mother brought a lot of books (she had a teaching job): Shakespeare, Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter), Bram Stoker and so many more. I used to read them a lot. This helped me to improve my English and expand my imagination.

I didn’t study in a very good school, but all this helped me to grow exponentially. Of course, I couldn’t get to my true potential because I wasn’t tutored the right way. Even some of my teachers knew that I was ahead of others. I just remembered one example while writing this: during our school exams, the whole school would be juggled so that students would sit with different grades, a procedure so that they might not copy from each other. It was very fortunate for the one sitting with me though, for if he was of a lower grade, I would remember and help because I remembered studying the topics in the previous years (it is bad, I know. but come on, I was a child back then, I didn’t know it was wrong! I thought I was helping them). But even if it was someone who was of a higher grade, I would be able to help them because my English was way better than others (sometimes even better than the teachers) and I had a very good knowledge about general things, so that helped a lot.

The problem of the absence of fathers.

There is so much that boys in our society can achieve, but unfortunately, lack of good fathers leaves them to be mere boys, not grown men ready to take responsibility and do something for themselves and their families and their community.

There is a story here in my beloved Pakistani culture: once upon a time, a man was going to push his father off a cliff, his father was in a wheelchair. On the way there, his father starts to laugh. The son asked him, “Why are you laughing father?” His father replies, “I know exactly what you’re going to do: you are going to push me from this cliff. I know it for sure because I did the same with my father”. The son understood that this is a chain, and he had to break it. He brought his father back.

By telling this story, people torture the young minds of the children and tell them if you do bad with your parents, bad things will happen to you. No matter how filthy of a father or mother that you have, do good to them and do everything for them, even if it means being abused by them, emotionally, financially, and physically. Again, totally unbiblical practice. Again, it is emotionally blackmailing your children to do the bidding of their parents without question.

There are so many wrong things in the moral of this story. First of all, we must ask who is wrong here? The son? How can it be? He hasn’t pushed his father to his death, yet. He is going to. But what about the man who has already killed his father? The man sitting on the wheel chair. Even if he is a father, he is a murderer! He murdered his own father! Thus, it’s not that he was wrong only while he was a son, he is wrong even though he is a father.

So it was with me. When I called my father on his sins, people told me that it is not the correct way that I should behave with my father and the same will happen to me, that when I become a father, my child will rebuke me for my sins.

Well, what is the problem then? If I am sinning, then anyone can and should rebuke me to put me on the right path, even if it comes from my child. And my child will do the same to me even if I am right? No, it shall happen the same with me if I follow the same sinful example of my father. No righteous man/king was killed by his son, but we find many stories in which the unrighteous were killed by their sons. Just look at the example of the King of Assyria Sennacherib, who was killed by his son Sharezer when he was in the temple of his idol. So it is in real life, you reap what you sow in your son.

Isaiah 37:37-38

So Sennacherib the king of Assyria departed and returned home and lived in Nineveh.

Then it came about, as he was worshiping in the house of Nisroch his god, that his sons Adrammelech and Sharezer killed him with the sword; and they escaped to the land of Ararat. And his son Esarhaddon became king in his place.

Another thing which we have to look at is what Paul instructs parents to do in raising their children. In the Epistle written to Ephesians, Paul gives instructions about family. Now, something that is noteworthy in this Epistle is that Paul talks a lot about spiritual warfare. He tells us that there are two kingdoms at war with each other, you belong to either one of them (Eph. 2:1-3), and since you are a part in one of these authorities, you are at war with the other one, so be ready to fight this spiritual war (Eph. 6:11-12). Considering this as the context, in the middle of it, Paul talks about family. In Chapter 5, he talks about the relationship of the husband and wife. And then moving in chapter 6, he continues this topic in the aspect of husband and wife becoming parents and raising their children. Is it any coincidence that in spiritual warfare’s context, family is mentioned? There is a reason for it. All the families of the earth are called by God’s name (Eph. 3:15), and when the devil destroys families, he mocks God’s name. Unfortunately, people don’t realize this, Christians don’t realize this. You have seen how successful he was in messing up my family. If an unbeliever would look at the example of my family as Christians, he would think that we are worse than them. This is not the will of God. If our families are named after Him, we should show His character in our households. If an unbeliever looks at our families, he should be able to have a glimpse into heaven: peace, love, repentance, forgiveness, harmony, unity, faith, hope, happiness, purity, kindness and I can go on with the list, but you get the idea. You can rarely find this in Pakistani families. I'm not saying that it is not present there, just saying that it is rare to find such a home as this. Keeping this in our minds, let’s see what Paul says about parenting:

Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may turn out well for you, and that you may live long on the earth.

Now this would a very favorite verse of the parents, but please, read your whole Bible, not the part which you like the most, for the next verse says:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph.6:4)

Can you imagine that fathers are told not to provoke their children to anger? In Pakistan, not only do the parents (fathers) provoke their children to anger, but then beat them up saying that you shouldn’t have been provoked to anger. No my dear sir, this is not how it is in the Bible. Another verse that tells something similar is:

Fathers, do not exasperate (irritate or frustrate) your children, so that they will not lose heart. (Col. 3:21)

I wonder how people would react to God’s Word now. As I have already explained, parents are given a much higher status in Pakistan than all others. Which should be, considering that they are your parents. But people bring them up in the place of God. They forget that God is to be number one in a Christian’s life, even greater than their parents (Luke 14:26). But no, parents are always right according to our culture. False. Parents can be right many times, they can be wrong all the time, but they cannot be right all the time. Only God is perfect and He is right all the time.

You see the narrative here, since pastors are males, and they are fathers themselves, they don’t want their authority undermined. And this is why they teach the same thing, that father is to be respected all the time. They will not read the verse which tells fathers not to irritate and exasperate their children, they will willfully ignore that verse and continue just how important it is for the children to respect their father. Let me drop a bomb on you, this method will not work. If you just say that one has to respect their parents and that is the nail in the coffin, the children will respect but only outwardly and in words, but not in heart. This is especially true with my father. My siblings say that he is a father and he is to be respected, but deep in their hearts, they all know that he is not to be respected and so no one actually respects him. They lie to his face, mistreat him, are disobedient to him, and do things secretly from him. And this is how many of the families are living in Pakistan. My father is especially guilty of irritating his children.

He continues his tradition even to this day. After the death of our mother, he kept reminding us that he is alone now (which he doesn’t feel by the way), and that we will kill him because of the suffering we are giving him in his old age. He made us suffer all our lives and we can’t make him suffer in his old age? At least you enjoyed the rest of your life. You lived extravagantly, went to so many women, didn’t take responsibility for your children, didn’t take care of your wife, and still we’re the ones irritating you? Way to go father!

The list could go on, but I want to come back to the culture of Pakistan. Here, the father is allowed to do everything and anything to his children. He can physically and mentally abuse with words, beat furiously, even leave his children and no one will bat an eye. Sometimes this makes children go bitter against their parents. I am amazed how people respond. They told me that Jonathan, don’t be embittered towards your father. He is your father after all. But it is not the child who is commanded not to be embittered towards his parents, but the parent is told not to irritate or embitter his child towards him. I use the term embitter because this is what the Greek definition says.

Now that I am writing this autobiography of mine, I feel like whatever that could go wrong in my family went wrong. Father was an adulterer, mother was erotica reader, both of them lacked self discipline, children were ruined, there was no money and teaching of the Word, none of us could complete our education. It was seriously a disaster.

And still everyone told me that father is a father and he should be respected. I respectfully disagree. A father is a father when he is the image of God Most High. A father is a father when he shows Christ’s character to his family, otherwise he is an adulterer. A father is a father who sacrifices for his family, otherwise he is a slaughterer of his wife and children. For me, I will not personally call a guy like that a father. And yes, I use the term guy because he’s just another guy, a person who bears the name of Christ but has failed as a husband and a father has failed as a man, and I shall not call him by that honorable title.

You might have also overlooked, but go back to the reference taken from Colossians. Do you see the result of embittering one’s children? They get discouraged. This is another problem here in Pakistan. We can have artists, singers, painters, sculptors and many other people who could revolutionize the culture in Pakistan, but almost everyone is discouraged because of their parents. “Become a doctor,” or “Become a nurse,” are the only two honorable options here. But no, if someone wants to be a musician, he is aggressively discouraged. I myself wanted to paint, and I still remember how I was discouraged. I took my drawing to my grandfather and told him to look and waited for words of appreciation. He grabbed it and threw it away, saying that I was wasting my time on useless things. I was so sad, and I was 5-6 years old then. You don’t tell this to a 6 year old.

If I had to name the most serious thing, I was deprived of the Word of God. Being in a Christian family, my grandfather being a pastor himself, it shouldn’t have been the case. But I think somewhere along the line, my paternal grandparents failed in teaching their children about God and thus, our parents didn’t teach anything to us. I feel terrible for what happened to me, and I think there might be many of you reading this book who had it much worse. There have been cases in Pakistan where so called men had been raping their own daughters, it is pathetic. I am sure this happens elsewhere in the world too. To all those I just say one thing: God is watching, and if the society doesn’t see, if your relatives don’t see, if no one gives you justice and freedom, you will be redeemed. God will make sure of that!

But the point that people miss is this: child abuse is real, parental abuse is real. No one wants to talk about it because they think that speaking like this about parents is a grave sin towards God. Even now, while writing this book, I posted some excerpts from it to have some publicity, and the comments were so fierce that it was seriously humorous to me. I am quoting direct references from the Bible, and this is how you’re going to respond, that the culture is one way and we’re going to follow it? It is really a weak response.

The west is decades ahead of us, they talk about domestic abuse, but here in Pakistan, it is a long lost story. I hope to bring awareness to this issue, but the problem is that 70% of the population is illiterate, and 90% of the population is indifferent. So I might not get the result in my lifetime, but I hope to bring a change in the coming generations. With this, I continue editing and rewriting my book. I wish to give the readers a wonderful experience, along with educating them about Pakistan.