A Ray of Sunshine

I drifted away for awhile, closed my eyes and imagined myself laying in a field of marigold flowers. Then grabbed one and lightly brushed it against my nose. Futhermore, I released, and watched the wind carry it away. Imagining myself as free as that flower. A feeling of joy, came over me, for a moment. When I came to he was on top of me. He’d abused me so many times I no longer could feel the pain. I could see the blood, and feel the weakness, but no more pain. The first few nights I cried until my eyes were swollen. Nobody could hear my screams.

He was a monster with the perfect disguise. A family man, a hard worker, an upstanding citizen. Everyone was fooled, including me. I blamed myself for trusting him. What was supposed to be a generous ride home, turned into a nightmare.

I re-live that moment. What if I’d politely rejected him, and, jumped out of the car, the minute I felt my stomach sink? I told myself I would never trust again. Hoping that I would not die. My life flashed before my eyes. I didn’t appreciate what I had. I was so disrespectful to my dad. I took all my aggression out on him. He would hold me as I cried. Losing my mother felt like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest. Dad was hurting to. He just had to be strong for me. I can’t imagine the pain he’s feeling now. I wonder if he knows I’m alive, or maybe he has given up hope.

There was a small ray of sunshine that would reflect in the room. It helped me distinguish the day from night. I felt so lonely. I would pray to my mother. I’ve always been told your loved ones, who pass away, become your guardian angels. Where was my angel? Where was my God? Even death would be a relief. At least that monster would not be able to get off at hearing my screams.

I felt like a piece of trash the way he threw me around, and called me a slut and whore. He would kiss me and bite me. He smelled like a dirty oil rag. He was fat, hairy, and sweaty. Disgusting is the only word I can think of to describe him. I would just lay there while he smothered me, and forced himself onto me. When he was finished he would bite my lip, pull up his pants, and leave. Slamming the door behind him. I’d crawl into the corner, shiver, and weep.

The life I thought I hated so much, was what I missed most. I missed my white daybed. I missed my tiny television. I missed eating hot pockets, while doing my homework. I missed my best friend. I felt forgotten. “ Why won’t you just kill me?” I would ask the monster; “because I love you.” He would reply. I knew love, and this was far from it. My mother was the definition of love. She supported me in everything I did. When I wanted to get a tattoo, she came to make sure everything went smooth. It was hilarious watching her face cringe as I mutilated my body; according to her. When I was a little girl, my dad called me babydoll. Every night, before he left for work, he’d kiss my forehead and say “ night night babydoll, daddy loves you.”

I was grateful for those moments. I was able to smile because of the memories. I am grateful that I did not give up hope because today I am alive. The FBI found me. The monster will be in prison for life, and me and my father have a new outlook. It was mom who saved me. She gave the FBI the clues they needed. My life has so much more meaning.