A Crackheads Redemption

Another Monday morning hung over and craving. I wish I could stop that voice in my head. Always talking to me. I'm sitting up in the bed, looking at my wallet and realize that I spent the money that was meant for my oldest daughters birthday. I need to find some money and redeem myself. My kids deserve better then I am giving them. Somehow I have to make that money back. Nicole is turning 6 years old this Friday, and Renee is 4 years old. Night and day difference. Nicole is quiet and reserved, while Renee is more outgoing and a slight wild child like her mother.

" Mommy I'm hungry!" Nicole calls out as both girls come running into my room and jump on my bed with me. Oh my god, I am not in the right frame of mind to deal with the kids today. My own fault, I know. Time to call my mom. Maybe I can drop them off there today. " Both of you go get ready to go. You are going to your Omi's( German for grandma) house today." I told them, as I slowly got out of bed and grabbed my phone. Let's hope my mom is not busy today. Maybe I can borrow some money from my dad. All that is left, is to call mom and be extra sweet. My mom loves her grandkids, so I doubt it will be a problem. Hope I can get some cash from them, that might be harder to accomplish.

" Ja Schatz?!" My mom answered on the third ring, in her deep German voice. " Hey, I have an interview to be at, and woke up late. Can you watch the kids today? They need to eat too. Is there any way you can see if daddy can loan me $25 so I can get gas and a thing of oil for the car?" I asked in my sweetest voice. Fingers crossed. There was a short silence before she answered. " What happened to the money your dad gave you a couple of days ago?" My craving does not have time for these questions, I thought to myself. " That $20 did not go as far because I ended up needing to patch one of my tires. Please mom I really want to go try for that job." God I hate the lying most of all. Another short silence before she finally answered. There was a little worry and hesitation in her voice. " Ok I have some money for you. Just bring the kids. Be careful. I love you." She hung up. I think my parents are starting to catch on that something is not right with me. But still, Fantastic! I thought to myself. Now all I need is my keys, my pipe, and to get the kids in the car. I'll stop for gas on the way to see my dealer. Within the hour my mind will be free of worry. " Girls let's go!" I shouted with excitement.

Traffic is light heading to the Ghetto. My mom gave me $50. More then enough for the day. At every gas station you see the guys waiting on someone to pull up, wanting to buy what they have. Then strung out hookers, (even in cold weather), standing on the side walks and side streets. They hope some horny guy, not getting any sex from his wife, will pick them. They need a fix. They need just one extra night in a hotel. I know a few of them. We have smoked together. We have talked in the crazy hours of the night life. Most are just as intelligent as I am. So are the dealers. But the Girls turn into junkies. Just fucking, shooting up and smoking(crack, my favorite). Not eating for weeks. You also see the city police driving past, looking at every one. Yet they do nothing. The police are trained for this. They know what these people are out here doing. They have to know. Guess that is better for me. I need a place to get my fix. I do not see myself as a junkie. I get the bills paid. I shower. I have a home with the utilities on. I never trade sex for drugs. I guess my view on the subject is slightly hypocritical. That is how addicts think, we are always better then the other addicts. I guess clinically I am considered a functioning addict. I do not like being bothered when I am taking a blast. I like sitting in my car somewhere in a Ghetto neighborhood and just smoke and people watch. It drowns out the noise to sit in a car when you are high.

Finally I am here. My boy Fruit's house. He was in his mid 20's about 6'1. Overall not bad looking black guy. Not your average crack house. Still in the hood, but suburb hood. I am a preferred customer. Unlike other crackheads, I always come with money. I am walking down the driveway to the back of the house, I am almost at the back window. I knock. Fruit only takes 3 min before the window is opened behind the steel bars attached the the window frame. " What's up girl? What you need?" I love that voice right now. " Let me get a 30. How you doing today?" I respond to him as I hand him my $30. The product here is always top of the line. I can feel it already. My stomach is starting to churn. " Alright bet." Fruit closes the window. Takes all of 45 seconds before he opens the window and hands me 3 perfect rocks. It looks great. " Hey what you doing today?" Fruit asked as he hands me my life blood." You are looking at it. I have to find a way to make some more money, and or course, get high." I answered as I started walking away. "Hold on! It's my birthday today. you want to chill a while?" He called out from the window. I stop and turn around and answered. " I am about to get high man, and you know I do not trade sex for this shit." He started to laugh. Then answered. " No man, I just need some company. I am stuck here on my birthday having to work. I just need someone to talk to. I promise I will not try anything. You can get high, it don't bother me." I looked at him for a minute. Then decided to take him up on his offer. " Hold on let me get my pipe." I walked back to the car. Got my pipe, and knife, then locked the car. I headed back to the house. Fruit was waiting with the door open. I hope this is a good idea.

I step inside as he closes and locks the door behind me. That entrance leads straight into kitchen and living room. The hallway to the left goes to the bathroom and bedrooms. He motions toward the sofa and coffee table, across from it he has his game system and tv set up. Guess he was just chilling and bored. I sit down and ask him one more time." Are you sure you are ok with me getting high here?" He looks puzzled. Smiles and says, " You cool. I promise you are safe." That was all I needed to hear at the time. I take the smallest of the 3 rocks and break it in half. My hand shakes just a little. I hold it to my mouth, light it, and inhale as hard as possible melting my rock completely. Thank God it is good. Within 2 seconds my ears start to ring. My whole world changes. All my worries melt away. My pupils get huge. I feel right again. all my senses are heightened. I notice Fruit looking at me with a puzzled look on his face. He says nothing and continues to play his shooting game on his play station 3. Ok I guess he is really just going to let me chill. No drama.

An hour goes by, I am still smoking. Every once in a while someone knocks on the window, and Fruit gets up to serve(sell drugs) them. Crack heads, meth heads, heroine addicts, they all know this house as I do. In between, I am watching him play his game. We are making small talk. It is hard for me to concentrate right now because I am high. Very hard to think. This stuff is top of the line. I still need to find some money for Nicoles birthday. At about 9:30 pm my high is disrupted by my moms text message wondering where I am. I texted back telling her I got called to another interview. There we go with the lying again. No text back. " Can I ask you something?" Fruit distracts me with that question. I look at him to answer." Sure bro." I bet this is where he asks me for some sex. Guess he figures I am almost out and will do anything for more. Little does he know that I am a calculating addict and have been conserving my stash, and saved a ten dollar bill in case I needed more. " What does that stuff do to you, to where people come here at all hours of the night with as little as 3 dollars for a hit?" He asked as he put his game controller down, waiting on my response. " It is something I can not even explain to you, Your mind just thinks differently. A massive head rush you can not control. I suggest you never try it." Is all I could say to him. It really is not anything you can explain. It literally is the demon inside you that you can not silence or explain. " Well show me. It is my birthday, and I want to try something new." He said with conviction. If he was not drunk, and high off of weed, he might think twice. "Come on man I can handle it. I gave you the stuff." He really does not know what he is asking for. I do not want to start him. " No man. I am telling you that you do not want to be like me." I said very annoyed. He did not say a word. Only looked at me and walked down the hallway to a room. God I hope this does not turn ugly.

I picked up my keys off of the coffee table. I wanted to be ready to just run out of the door. They were sitting next to his game controller and a little black book. Fruit emerged from down the hall, with some speed in his step. Headed straight for the coffee table, he slams down 4 giant crack rocks. They were thick and worth at least $200. He says with confidence, " Those are yours for free if you show what it does." Holly shit, My heart is pounding. Well fuck it. Let's go. I fixed a nice rock at the end of my pipe and lit it for Fruit. His eyes got instantly big. It hit him first try. He sat down for a min, then looks at me and says, " Damn I like that." We continue to smoke for a long time. It was 3am,(shit, you really loose all concept of time on this stuff), my mom is going to kill me. I thought to myself. Fruit got up to go to the bathroom. As I take another hit, disappointed in myself, I hear a super loud crash from the bathroom. I laid my pipe down and got up. " Fruit!" I yelled. There was no answer. "Fruit!" still nothing. I start to walk down the hall. I can see the bathroom door open. I glance in. Fruit must have slipped and fell, there is blood everywhere. He's breathing but unconscious. Oh shit! What am I going to do? It will look super bad if someone comes home and sees me here. They will think I am trying to rob him. I have got to get the hell out of here. I take off running down the hall. I grab my pipe and the book with the rest of my rocks on it and bolt out the back door. I jump in my car and drive away. My heart is racing. I hope no one saw me leave. I need to pull over. I am too high for this. Great a gas station. I will pull in here to compose myself for a second.

I sat there for a minute, wondering what would happen if I went back to Fruit's house, thinking of what to tell my mom about why I was gone all night. I look over in my seat and notice the book with my rocks on it. I hid the rocks in my braw. Last thing I need is to get pulled over with those in the seat. I glance at the little black book and pick it up. I open it. " Oh My God!" I yelled out in my car. It was not an ordinary book. It was a little box that looked like a book. It had 20 thousand dollars in it. I had to count it twice just to make sure. I stuff the money in my braw opposite of the crack. I through the book out the window and pull out of the gas station. At this point it's 6 am. I drive as fast as I can to my parents house. As I unlocked the door, my mom and my dad are up with angry looks on their faces. " Do not be mad." I started. " I was working on something super special for Nicole's birthday, and it took way longer then expected. We are all going to Miami all expenses paid." Both of their eyes got super big. My dad asked," How did you manage that?" I had to come up with something quick. " I was working at a warehouse with a friend all night, kind of a working interview. I did a great job so he paid me well. Just be happy. We will have lot's of fun." Here we go with the lies again. I gave my mom a hug, and I took myself upstairs. The kids were awake and I told them about the plan. They of course screamed with excitement.

As crazy as that night turned out, it really worked out in my favor. Was God looking out for due to a silent prayer from my mom? Who knows. However, had I not chosen to get high, I would have never came across that black book. I would still not have any money for Nicole's birthday. Now my parents are off my back for a while longer, and I am a hero in the eyes of my children. That is important. And that weekend we had the most amazing time at the beach in Miami looking at the ocean. As I watched the sun set, I thought to myself, " I just redeemed myself, but I do believe after that night I might just go to rehab. The habit is becoming too much. I doubt I will ever be that lucky again. I sure can not go back to Fruit's house. Guess I will take it one day at a time.