Word of the Day: リモコン

I haven't decided on a title yet, but I am just looking down at my appointments/calls part of my todo list and it is giving me great pause.

I don't really want to talk to 18 people right now.

I have homework that could give me more words but, that is a whole bunch of bollox.

Bollox means sheep testicles, btw.

Sheep or cow, I can't remember.

America is more concerned with the shit, England wants the gonads.

Anyway. This is kinda dumb.

I am just stating the facts. They're facts. Not opinions or ideas, they are facts.

I just woke up again, it is like 7 am and I am needing to get ready. I figured I need to start going outside more to eat. I figured I could film some memes with people probably.

I wonder who was remote viewing me the other day, but I mean, they were jerks either way.

I am needing to get ready for some "fun" today so, I feel like I am being sort of dilly daddling.

mm.. I am not sure what I should be doing, these are just ideas for today. But, I ... yea I guess I am doing whatever.

It is because I am stressed about being 3 days behind. That is no bueno.

That weighted blanket with the hunger pains really did me in, I slept most of today off so, I felt like I needed to get some actual food in me if I wante d to keep doing stuff.

I have tomorrow to do what I planned to do today. It probably will be better since it will be a business day and businesses will be more up and running again. 4pm is sort of dubious time to leave the house, by the time I get anywhere, they'd be closed.

It sucks but that is the truth.

I was trying to talk to Rafael, but I found myself hesistating. I don't know why. I guess it was just because, i was trying to decide what I wanted to talk to him about, also I felt like if I turned the webcam on, it would be... I dunno. I guess it is a bit triggering for me because of the fact that, I don't feel like catching any feelings, even if I know it is just a crush, like even a crush would kill me at this time.

Also I think we're past the point of being overly sentimental about things.

I'm back down to 190lbs which is nice. I know I am going to go back to like 195 once I eat this food but, it is ok, it is well deserved in my opinion. This isn't the best way to lose weight as my fat isn't going to actually go away and my muscles are diminishing.

I am mostly doing it for... well just, I sometimes don't have time to eat, I really don't have money to do it sometimes, so I need to be choosey.

Yea, I do feel sort of pushed to the limit this time. I... well the thing is, I doubted myself with him, I felt like.. I'd just be mocked if I shared any feelings so.. I just stayed silent.

It makes me feel sad and hollow for not being more brave in that moment, but I mean, what can I do? I can't change the past so, I just have to hope that tomorrow will be better.

I feel I had to change myself so much for school that it has twisted and fucked everything up.

It is extra money but, at this point, it is at the cost of everything.