I think I passed my Japanese Quiz. I don't feel like bragging, I just feel like that is true. I don't feel good about it either though. I feel like I am cheating some how but, as I am explaining to my classmates completely more advanced words in Japanese, I just realized, I studied in advanced.
I shouldn't feel guilty of the work I did completely myself. It is my gift to myself from the past. I can't even enjoy my high because I feel like I am being watched in a weird way. I need to charge my computer but, I just want to return to that moment.
Haha, I am sort of a ditz, I was bragging in discord about Kanji when Lady Murasaki didn't even write using Kanji... lol that is hilarious. I am going to leave it though. I don't care what people think of me. I guess I do but I think it is more that... I feel it is more embarrassing to not be corrected than to be corrected. I wonder if that is wrong. Well not wrong but.. yea, I wish someone knew more than me. I mean the teacher does but, I guess I want to be able to be friendly to someone and I don't feel like I can in that group. I can't go past cordial.
I don't know why but the " Succulent Chinese Meal " guy keeps going through my head. I don't think that is a good sign but I am just going to try to calm down for now. I think that is the best course of action.
I am thinking of Yuuichirou now... I have the music box we bought together in Portland. I took the wrapping off but I remember I bought it because it had the poster my grandma had on her wall in her house in California.
So Hampsteadian of her. Nah, I love my grandmum. She was very interesting. A Scorpio so it is very biting but, she gave me a lot of liberties. They were mostly about imparting wisdom to me. I guess I need to write as much as it is to live or love for me. I mean, does anyone remember the movie Brightstar?
Bloody glorious. The most tragic piece of magic the world has ever had. The frailty of this love is so pure. Now I remember Fuji (Wisteria)....
Yes, Fujisawa... Yuuta Fujisawa. The hacker, the pirate... He went to China, learned how to code... I should look for his github account. Knowing him he probably has a bunch of burner accounts.
Oh well... no way of contacting him now. But that was interesting channeling. I have every light on in the house and I am trying to drink as much tea as I can before I have to brush my teeth.
I don't think that mouthwash is helping my teeth problems and I also unfortunately find it hard to chew sometimes. Not from tooth pain but from jaw pain.
I don't know what Avalon is telling me, but I feel like it is a bird's eye perspective that my human mind can't perceive in this moment. Or I don't feel anything.
I smell the fucking dishes in the sink, I need to clean pretty badly, I don't have the energy to do it this morning though, I will do it tonight when I get home. I don't have weed but I think if I take a nap once I get home then I should be ok to deal with it. I don't know about after that though.
About the Creator
Kayla McIntosh
Personal tell-all pieces: Word of the Day and Jail Journal. Secret poet on the side. ( I don't use Ai to write any posts, everything is done manually. )
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Comments (2)
Hey, I was reading your story and honestly didn’t realize how quickly I got pulled in. It’s one of those reads where you start casually but end up feeling every little moment. It made me wonder, do you usually write from your own experiences or just pure imagination?
That sounds like a really full, vivid stream of thoughts equal parts reflection, memory, and sensory detail. It’s good that you’re noticing both your pride in the work you’ve done and the unease that sometimes follows success. Feeling like you “don’t deserve” a good result, or that someone’s watching or judging you, can happen when you’ve been under stress or when your mind is still running fast after effort.