Word of the Day: 聖域

I told off my mom while her friend was at the house. I just locked the door after she tried to get on me. I refuse to talk to her more than necessary. My nieces also came over. I think the youngest one is pregnant so I guess they were wanting to talk about that. I think she was trying to record me as I was leaving the room, but maybe not? I just got done crying so, I went to the bathroom, because I don't have time for that right now.

I am just trying to desperately trying to coordinate with someone and leave here, but everyone is sort of not responsive to that.

During a recent manic episode, I kept hearing the voice of the daughter I would've had if I didn't have a miscarriage. I was desperately looking at the little puppy in my hands, wondering if my poor daughter reincarnated as a dog. Really, she wasn't my daughter yet, she is still very much my ex's dead older sister. I used to hear the grandma too, but since we're separated, I don't hear them as much.

I sort of suppress that awakening, because I wouldn't want Yumiko to be sad. If I am her mother in anyway, I have to spare her from any sort of pain she doesn't need to go through.

She is a little toughie, but still swishy like a girl. Yuuichirou said she'd probably hate me a little bit. She's afraid of heights like I am so, I find it a bit daunting to teach her how to hop off the bed. She has an obsession with shoes and always collects them in her bed in the living room.

I am glad I stopped crying today. Also the weather is getting cooler, so I am really glad about it.

I finally got the nerve to message Titi about that shirt I ripped. It actually managed to calm me down more than everyone else today. I always thought my niece just pocketed the money but it makes me feel better knowing she actually gave it to her.

I am debating whether I should message my niece herself. I am tired of that bullshit though, I am at the point where I don't know who is baiting for what stuff and I have no desire to find out. I am already spending my energy so much, I am just questioning where the goal has gone.

I realized when someone asked me what I dreamt of, I had no answer for them. I think that really made me sad because I haven't had any dreams in terms of goals or sleeping lately. It has been very bland and dull. I mean, yea I mean these are the original ones:

1. Get an apartment in Newberg.
2. Get a good enough paying job for said apartment.
3. Go to Japan one day.

I am struggling with number 1 so number 3 feels almost impossible. Everyone around me has drained me to such a level that I am just in regenerating mode right now, hoping that I will stop passing out due to depression and living in a hot and uncomfortable place.

I was even getting health problems like stomachaches and ear infections. I guess through magic or resting, some of that has cleared up, but maybe all the rest is needed because my body sort of had to hyper heal for the physical ailments.

I am also going through the most awkward breakup with Jahon. Motherfucker really did not give two shits, he just hit me back with the:

You're being negative, bye.

Like really? He is really pretending like I didn't do all the things he asked me to do other than cook the pot roast. I couldn't cook the fucking pot roast because I had a fucking anxiety attack in the grocery store and Alix didn't help at all.