What the hail?

Ugh, I woke up fine but I feel like I have nothing to go off of. My schedule is all topsy turvy and I am not sure how to proceed on a lot of things. My mom randomly told me I needed to babysit the dogs today and I am almost thinking of using that as an excuse to miss the appointment I have today for the vocational help.

Hi Kayla, I'm just sending a text reminder that we have an appointment tomorrow at 1:30pm.

Okay? I don't remember setting this appointment and it isn't ... oh wait, it is in my calendar. Meh. I want to skip it but perhaps I should go. I sort of "offended" her by saying she sounds like she has fetal alcohol syndrome. I said that because it was obvious she was making fun of me during the initiation process.

See, the thing is I was a freelancer for quite a while, at least solidly during the pandemic. I used sites like Fiverr, Upwork, Freelancer, Reddit, Discord, whatever, you know? And she was like:

So how long did you work on Fember?

After correcting her like 3 times. Also the tone. Like a vapid valley girl with the braincells of a sea sponge. Also constantly asking me about hourly wage despite explaining that it is project/commission based so there is no hourly wage. ( I did have an hourly wage of 22/hr but people rarely opted into hourly with me. )

After the appointment I calmed down. I guess it was a misunderstanding and apologized. I am not 100% sure if that is the case to be honest, the chaos surrounding my life has made it harder for me to discern stuff and I am solidly in survival mode right now. But, I feel more hopeful working with her so, I guess despite the bumpy start, it is worth continuing, even if it is just get out of the house.

My relationship with Jahon is officially done I feel. There has been too many red flags and just, lack of communication or seeing eye to eye on things; not being on the same page is just too difficult to work on anything together. I mean, we had a good " game plan. " but if there is no support or effort into it, it is just words. I guess I learned that too late, but I am fine with ending it here.

This has nothing to do with Steven messaging me a few days ago. I feel he is about the same as Jahon since he hadn't really messaged me other than,

Are we still on to meet in December?

I mean, again, a man making some sort of plan but then not fucking talking to me for a whole 2-3 months? It does make me happy that he reached out, he is like a beautiful and feral Vietnamese man who owns a kickboxing studio. But it is still shit, really?

I am trying to just find a place to move on from. I want to leave this house but any time I ask someone for help, they don't do it. Either they can't or there is no time.

I am worried about making a desperate decision, like, I have already tried with Jahon and it's horrible and not working. I am afraid to negotiate or to talk to any other guy right now, because I am just expecting to be disappointed again..

For the briefest moment, I imagined Steven and Jahon fighting over me but I know very well Jahon wouldn't do that. Hell, I don't even know Steven well enough to know if he'd do that either. They'd probably just leave me in a ditch somewhere.