Word of the Day: めちゃくちゃ

I think I am just waiting for 10 am so I can go to the pot shop. Before the page loaded and I was just thinking to myself, " Why do I feel so unsettled? It is Uranus sextile Neptune.. This should be a good thing. I did something sort of risky but I feel like, as long as I don't care about the result, it will be fine. I got the 10 of pentacles as the positive in that action so.. Ah I think I am sort of giddy off the idea of having today to rest, not only rest but... maybe even play.

I don't need to feel guilty for not going to Thanksgiving. I also don't need to feel guilty about wanting to get absolutely blitz'd out today. I feel like, everyone deserves rest or play. Whatever that is for them. This is a holiday, I deserve to enjoy it then hit the ground running tomorrow. It is barely 6 am so I have like 4 more hours until I can go to the store. I... hmm.. I feel kind of.. odd right now, but I think it is just that time before things get started I guess. A "slow morning" if you will. And I have been so on edge that, it is taking me 2 hours to even be comfortable with the idea of comfort. Also.. I posted my picture of Satsuki that I drew, explained one last song in the Japanese discord, then left the server completely.

I guess I was sort of debating whether to stick around to just get my bot back but, I am sure if I need the bot, I can always talk to James about it. The thing is, until I decide what I want to do with it, that conversation doesn't need to occur. It is just an emotional burden and a distraction.

Ah I this 8am now, so my mom would've got my message.

Okay

Ah good, she accepted it. That is good. I replied with a heart to show my thankfulness.

I am looking forward to a couple of hours from now. What sort of things am I going to do? I did think about maybe streaming again. I got to pick a little " project ". I guess I can go back to that one thread where I was doing art for free. I think that would be the easiest one to do right now rather than an actual project. Just something to mess around with.

My heart felt a little glimmer of joy at the thought. I haven't felt that in a while. It sucks because, it isn't like a busting down the gates sort of, " I'm free " sort of joy. It is just for today. But I know I will definitely get to know myself better by the day's end.

I do wonder if some sort of instability caused me to self sabotage some things with the club or something but, I think when it comes down to it, even if that is the case I feel like, I rather live with that "mistake" than wished I would've done better or something. I feel I was myself and that is probably the most important thing to me.

No regrets, basically. I mean, if it costs me completely being in school then, that is worth examining but, I can't lose heart at not socializing well, it isn't my lack of wanting to talk to people, just no one can talk at my level in that club, which makes it hard for me to enjoy it.