Word of the day: させる

People don't know this but when I got high, I used to automatic write. I still do it a bit now and even in my blog before but I sort of hold back on it because it can feel a bit like a manic episode because the pulls sometimes are so strong, like the momentum builds and ends up going into Jack Nicholson in the Shining or something.

I also rather not force it because then I don't know if I am just going crazy or not. It is sort of like taking a shit, better do it smoothly and relaxed.

I know am ok now, I have been living life pretty peacefully, almost even boring. I am busy though, luckily I have things to do but I do worry about my future. I am not alive right now but I do have things I am working towards.

I am thinking of just studying today though. I have Japanese and Medical Coding on my list to study today but it feels like sort of unsurmountable amount of work. Even getting high doesn't help so, I have to consider what is the average try. Also, what happened to my online projects?

Should I continue Patreon? I was going to have it as a hub for my projects that I want funding for but, maybe that mentality is more of a Kickstarter thing? Maybe I made a mistake when I put Japanese first on the list for studying.

Going through my Composition books really got to me; 4 years in Cedar Hills... or at least 4 books... things I want to forget in those pages.

Now I am craving chicken all of a sudden. Like char-grilled bbq chicken.

I really like reading this book, I unfortunately can't sense the mode of speech the book is in, I don't think I have a frame of reference really so each new word is thoroughly examined. I think my skills have fallen to an A2 level in reality. I used to like to say it was B2 and maybe I was a B1, but if I really went down to A2, I feel it is kind of pointless to continue really, right?

Maybe it is just depression from some things going on.

Me and Reo have been talking more lately and getting closer. He gave me a book for my medical coding studies which I need to read but, I was very impressed with that. I have been clinging to him lately, texting him all the time. I have even fantasized about him in the shower... I am a bit worried about it though because I am pretty sure he wants to have kids and I don't think that's negotiable for him. He talks about cream pies way too much and I am not entirely sure for what reason.

I mean if it is just like porno influence and it is like the visuals of it are exciting for him then that is one thing but if he is really just likes the idea of impregnating me, I don't feel comfortable with that.

I don't know when or how I should talk to him about this but, I am just trying to make some spare time today to study. I need to focus on stuff in that way for now. I can't cling to him too much as I have been.

I do wonder if I need to consider still looking for my person if it isn't Reo. I haven't video chatted much with him yet so, it would be easier now than later, to leave.