Word of the Day: 頼もしい

I am starting to both love and hate that I am back into learning Japanese. As I look at the tv screen, I realize that I am living a double life with the fact that I am lying about doing weed. I... No. I have to believe in my self and my own actions. I have to understand my purpose though. And that sounds so existential.. I really like Japanese but I think my purpose is my writing here... Or maybe it is all I can afford at the moment. I want to enjoy my time.... afford, yes. I am poor as fuck and can't afford anything right now, not even time.

Apparently 2 of the council members for the club are sick this week so it will just be me and Ryan conducting the club on Thursday. That means I have to prepare a presentation, print out 100+ hand outs and help people learn to write the alphabet ( that was the agreed activity for this meeting )

I am confident in my abilities to present and help people out but, I just feel so strapped for time. I haven't even had time to buy weed but I also don't know if I can even afford that since I didn't get my EBT money this month. Everything is kind of tight so I can only buy the things that are absolutely necessary. I also haven't gotten the reimbursement from the school yet so, I will contact Michelle about that later.

Looking at the clock, I have about an hour and a half before I head to school but, I am not knowing what I should do with that time. I guess this is my thinking time. I sort of need to do a little research and type out a hand out for the club, but I feel like I want to do that after class. I thought about possibly doing it during class but, I like to pay attention in math class as that is the only time I even touch the math. It is the bare minimum to pay attention.

I am trying not to think too much right now and just focus on finishing this story but, yea I don't even know how I am going to get all of it done.

I ended up deciding cleaning the bathroom is the best use of my time right now. Laundry seems too daunting, and I needed to wash my makeup brushes for tomorrow.

My school computer is taking forever to update. Also I am sort of lamenting all the closed tabs and set up I had.

It is hard to know whether Reo or the Japanese club is making me feel so bad right now. All I know is that neither is helping me.

I guess I started to notice that Reo doesn't know how to provide emotional support. Actually, he made me feel bad ( I don't think it was intentional, but he simply doesn't have the capacity or something ).

I need to reflect on today. How embarrassed I was showing up to class with a mask. Sheepishly apologizing for not adequately studying for the test. But it is also I feel like no one is really helping me, and I don't know who I can reach out to.

I am listening to Jimmy. I mean, at least he is telling me the forecast over this week. Also I still have nerve damage or whatever on my labia so, it makes it all the worse. I just feel like sleeping right now but I can't, I need to do homework.