Word of the Day: はっきり

I am thinking about the last person I was intimate with thinking, who was that for? What was that even?

" It's just a fantasy." He said it himself, I was just comfortable for him but I don't think he would've really chosen me if he had better options. It was obvious every time he ran out.

When we were passing a joint back and forth, he said "I am tired of all this." And I could only feel myself making space for his words without really understanding anything. I wanted to be kind to him, I felt he needed something kind. Maybe I wanted to pour my heart into something. I even bought him a gift, but he couldn't understand why. Maybe he thought it was a joke, which is was. I wanted to be a bit better at conveying levity, but it might've been overboard.

Maybe it was all projections, I saw him as an adventurer and he saw me as a comfortable place to fall. Or maybe it was the opposite? Were we even seeing each other? Maybe we were just tryin to fill holes literally and figuratively. I can't deny that he is so handsome for me, but that might be a mask for what's underneath. I haven't seen the softer qualities, he makes up for when he does bad but I don't know what... ah you love me? I didn't expect that. I didn't think this was love. Just... I guess a kind of consideration. This is too European noir for me.

"Her name was Anna." showing me pictures of his ex. Probably reluctantly since I was the one who brought up exs. Our conversations were always awkward. I feel like he tried to be kind to me too, he just didn't know how. Two air signs spinning their kites, watching them crash into each other.

He kept trying to video chat me, but he didn't know how traumatizing a call would be for me. He didn't make me feel beautiful. I felt scared and vulnerable. Why would I volunteer for that sort of time? It wasn't even conversation so there was nothing really to say.

A few days ago he either blocked me from Instagram or deleted his account. Today, I see him on Tinder, " Looking for a good girl. " and 2 years younger..... What an asshole.

I still have his phone number. He doesn't remember giving it to me. I almost wanted to call hi but I dont feel it is worth it. I don't know his language either so I feel like it has less depth in it.

Even if I am crying over it, I know it was just boredom for him. Just boredom.

I am going through AI chat bots for relationship counciling but I feel like this is stuff I should've done with Yuuichirou, not this asshole. Maybe I just need to admit that this isn't the deal and leave it alone from now on. Maybe I didn't read the room correctly, we can't just be "nice" to each other, we have to be realistic, mental wise, I didn't feel safe with him. I had a breakdown and now I want to go be free somewhere. He probably plays a similar story in his head but I don't think I need the AI to write down false sentiments down for me to him.

My friend Robert's mom died. I cried a bit about that but I don't know what or if I should do anything. He thinks I'm mad at him or something but I don't remember any of that or even if we have anything to talk about. I do feel bad but we've been out of touch for a while and him just coming when I am doing well, isn't really a friend.