Word of the Day: 警戒

I am not sure what the last conversation I have meant. It was a constant repeating of " There's no particular meaning. "

I think I can't accept nihilism, somehow that saddens my heart. Sometimes we fall into sadness but I don't believe in living there. We have just as much freedom to leave it at any time. I am currently listening to a woman going about taking action which gives me a little hesitance in actuality, but I accept the light resistance to the willing of giving into my desires.

In actuality, maybe I can't forgive him. Having a soul tie doesn't necessarily mean a good thing. Is it just I love my old life so much, I am willing to live in some sort of time warp?

I don't really feel ashamed of anything right now, just slightly disappointed for some reason. Maybe I am just at a low point right now without really realizing it. The thing he mentioned; a snake pit as he put. Maybe I am the nihilistic one since I haven't really put my confidence in anything. To allow myself to be assisted.

With only a few words I was able to say my piece but I am made to continue on past it's natural conclusion. It's already the new day and I have forgotten what was the thoughts and feelings of yesterday.

I have sweet memories left to remember though. Even in reminisce the for the joy I felt a sugary dust of longing.

I bought freakin marijuana and it was the worst mistake I made. I don't really need it, or I guess my mom is an enabler since she is actually the one who bought it. She complains that I am abusing it, but then buys me marijuana so I don't really understand the logic in that.

I am just going to free write here until I am ready to leave the house. I don't even know if anything follows a plot anymore. I mean that guy wrote a story about Horselover Fat. That is the most absurdist book I have ever read, and Juanito acted like it was the holy grail.

I guess that is the equivalent of my fascination of Carl Jung's the Red Book. It is just a more well known book, but equally absurd. It is more mythological though, which I always thought gave it a certain sense of whimsy, if not in a dark way. The book I read at Cedar Hills was dark and twisted.

Maybe it is just a channel I wasn't really wanting to go down. I do think that vocal might be a place to put these thoughts but the talk with my programmer made me realize that some things are not best to mention, or there are certain keywords that accentuate the SEOs. Maybe this is an autodidactic way of going about that trending thing but I am not really sure.

I need to brush my teeth soon, I can't be just writing all day, even if it is just 600 words. I am not paying for premium here so I think I need to evaluate the investment of this site, especially since there was an outreach for funding that seemed to come up daisies.

Did Goteki say, " fuck you. " to me under his breath or was it Chinese? I don't really know. Maybe it was " Fuck that. " But I don't really know.

I can't even worry about that Japanese guy with the fire in his eyes. It turned me on and frightened me at the same time. I feel like if he wasn't streamining he would've gotten so angry... I spoke too much too soon probably.