Word of the Day: 認定

I am in Blackrock just trying to finish my pages I need to upload here but it is so difficult, I am having to process through the hard emotions of what I went through still, the emotions come flooding back in and I am in a spot I have visited a few times.

The guy in front of me is cute but I look like shit since my mom stole my make up. It is kind of crazy that each room in the house has a lock. Shows how much we actually trust each other.

I guess I shouldn't worry about that stuff until I lose the weight I put back on since Cedar Hills, it is too hard to have been in 2 facilities back to back like that. It is fucked up. My mom basically wanted to stifle me to the point that her life was the only thing important, but that isn't true.

I put in two right contacts in so my vision is all fucked up right now, I can't see up close anymore I can only see far away now, or that is the only slightly comfortable way to see anything I am luckily not able to see everything going on around me.

I need to finish my Jail Journal, I am not sure how many pages 77 can boil down to on here but I am sure it is fine. Oh yea, I had this whole freak out over the Arcticians coming after me, but I think they're just wanting me to interact with them directly. I remember them from Cedar Hills the first time I went in there. I identify as a Lyrian starseed. Not many people know this though. Only because when I am high, I self identify as a octo-cat creature

Then there are all these random blips of Pixie Road popping up and I am super freaked out over that shit. I guess because, I am not quite ready to work on Pixie Road or know if I should even actually work on it any more.

Writing is more consistent or, at least it is something I can do regardless of the topic, Pixie Road is a particular topic and would require me to not only write but draw again.

I have been drawing random doodles lately but I don't know if i am ready to work on a full project again. I have all this hesitancy. I guess once I finish my Jail Journal, my mind will be more free to work on something else. Perhaps it isn't hesitancy out of reluctance but hesitancy out of being overburdened.

I'll try to finish the Jail Journal, and see what I can do after that.

Right now I am thinking I need to get a job or do something strictly for money going forward. I love writing, I love creating.. but I need the freedom money brings as well. Or I don't want to stress over something like that again.

Even the thought of that made me pull out that fucking vodka drink from the fridge my mom told me not to drink. I will just buy another one from Albertsons or somewhere. Maybe I'll ask for a job while I am at it. No idea.

Bleh, this tastes like shit after brushing my teeth though, the orange and toothpaste is like bleh. Ok, since I broke the "rules" I will need to be extra productive with my todo list today. I need to get all caught up and then, take a nap. I have been going full throttle most of the day so I am just needing a break.

On top of everything I am also on my period too which just makes me even more sluggish so, I am just imagining what I could accomplish with this much gusto on a good day.