Word of the day:片思い

This is a real mess. The long-distance with Reo and the attraction issues are tricky. And the weed thing is definitely risky. As for Jahon, sounds like he's toxic. You need to cut him off. It's not worth the stress or the money. Have you considered blocking his number? And yeah, you should talk to Reo about how you feel. It's better to be honest now than let things fester. What do you think?

Thanks for the comment Jackey.

Yes, I am considering blocking his number. He blocked me on Instagram once.. I am a bit worried he would just show up at my house acting crazy so, that is the reservations I have on closing complete contact. But I know that is me being toxic in the situation myself.

I will consider doing that later today, but I have a lot of errands to run in about an hour so, I'll need to make time to do that.

As for Reo... I think... I feel like I am not as attractive anymore and I shouldn't be picky? I mean if this is a nice guy and we have some things in common I should be more open to that. But... yea I can see if I grew resentful or had him come all the way over to the US to see me (He lives in Canada) and there was no connection really, I would feel worse.

I took a break from writing to make a sandwich and thought about my prescriber for my medication. I sort of get resentful of him but I still take the medications because that is the conditions of me living with my mom. Well not only that but the whole system sort of is dependent on me staying on anti-psychotic medications so, I feel resentful. It has created a lot of issues with my body such as weight gain, libido issues and akinesia.

So while you saying I should be honest and say things right away, I feel like it isn't always the wisest thing to do because there are consequences that could tumble the whole thing for me.

I thought about my friend Robert the other day. We had sex once but it was like a comedic act rather than an actual attempt at sex. I just consider him a friend for that. I even had to roll dice to see if I'd kiss him and I felt nothing. I didn't care for his speaking voice. He looked and sounded a lot like the barbarian in Dungeon Soup.

He was a very nice guy though, just too off for me. I worry that is exactly what Reo is going to be. Reo has a way smoother voice luckily, but this off-ness with his face is making me worried.

Because, I was really considering saving myself for this guy, but even if I decided to do that, it would be a few years before being able to meet since there is a visa situation for him last time he was in the States. Apparently he stayed past the expiration date and got penalized for it:

If you stay in the U.S. beyond your authorized period, you begin accruing unlawful presence, which can result in bans on returning to the U.S.: Overstay of 180 days to under 1 year → 3-year re-entry ban. Overstay of 1 year or more → 10-year re-entry ban

I think he got the 3 year ban so it is more doable but at the same time, I don't know if I can wait 3 years. Not that I am wanting anything anyway right now. I am just trying to get my apartment so I have the space to think and handle the things on my plate.

So to answer your question: Yes, I will tell him but, but only once I have the emotional capacity to do so.