Word of the Day: 自己紹介

I had sex with a Filipino guy. It was sort of like heaven. He was just caressing me and kissing me so much, but looking in his eyes it wasn't love but he held space for me and I am really grateful for that. We did fuck without a condom a bit so I am worried about possible pregnancy ( highly unlikely ) and.... well I have HPV... I feel very ashamed I did that to him, he could have possibly contracted that and I would be the one who knowingly gave such a kind soul that. I could've waited until it was out of my system ( 2 years ) before doing anything like that.

I am so hopped up on emotions or chemicals so I need to rest today but I feel very relaxed. Filipino guys are like the best. I always feel like a woman with them, they always have treated me right. They are just way better at sex too. Now you might say, " Yea but don't Asians have small dicks? " or something like that, which is true but they actually know how to use what they got while a guy with a huge pecker has no idea where the G spot is. Also it is more about the sensual experience of it, it isn't just about penetration.

I am scared about the MRI tomorrow but I mean, it is just something that will need to be done and it is just one day so I will have one bad day tomorrow. Or at the very least not so pleasant.

I want to complain but I had such a good yesterday it would be too selfish to. I also have all today to prepare for that. I think I am just going to drink water. Probably eat the cookies he got me too. He was so kind, he brought me the cookies I asked for. I wish I could eat gummies but I think I should be clean the day before going in the hospital.

I am just exhausted anyway. I mean I don't have much food in the fridge but I have food I can cook so I am not completely without, I just don't have the strength to cook anything.

Perhaps I should get Carl's Jr..... He made me feel desired and cared for in the few hours he came. He even spent the night with me and I enjoyed sleeping next to someone for once. I am crying now because now I am stuck with the normal shit texts from guys just wanting sex. I feel I stole something from him though. Like a moment of happiness that didn't belong to me or given prematurely. I know he's a good guy but I also am smart enough to know he's not mine. I do think god let me have him for that night though because he knew I would struggle too much on my own right now. For that I am eternally grateful. It's a weird feeling since I know it isn't love but I haven't even gotten consideration in these past couple of weeks so, I feel really grateful to have that at least.

I am trying so hard to be ok with what I have, and be grateful for what I got but, I still want more. I want to be loved and I want to love, but I might've used up my luck for that. I don't see myself in this world anymore, I mean I am alive but I don't feel attached to anything, I don't see how I could fit with anyone, even if I got the love I desired I don't think I could keep it anyway.