Without You I Would Have Had To Sell My Soul To Survive

Dear Bruce,

Do you remember in 1991 I hitched a ride from Kununurra to Darwin with a couple of truck drivers. This was not a planned journey, as I was running from my abusive husband. What I was going to do when I hit Darwin? I had no idea.

The truck drivers had a spare room at the hotel they were staying at, and allowed me to use it for the three days they were staying there, then I was on my own and thought I’d be spending nights on a park bench, until I could sort something out.

But then on Christmas Day, two days after I had arrived in Darwin, I met you and I have been thankful for that meeting every day since.

You were the cleaner at the hotel and it turns out, 18 years my senior. The truck drivers had told you I was homeless and you kindly offered me a place on your lounge room sofa, until things sorted themselves out. I was extremely grateful for your kind offer.

Without that offer, I seriously believed the only choice I had to survive was to sell my body………..just another down and out girl in the red light district.

But you would not allow that to happen. A perfect stranger but you took me under your wing.

From that day forward, you became someone extremely important in my life. You were like a father to me and was always there to give me a helping hand. You became my soul mate, my best friend, someone I can never remember ever crossing words with.

With your help I did get back on my feet. Over the following years I became the proud mother of two gorgeous boys and you stepped up and acted as their grandfather without ever being asked. You loved my boys as if they were your own grandchildren.

When I needed a baby sitter, you stepped up to the plate. My boys just adored you.

In 1995, my boys and I moved to Batchelor, a town 96 kilometres south of Darwin. I purchased land and built a house and you would drive down on weekends to help out where needed. As a single mother, your help was always appreciated.

Then in January 2000, I packed my boys and as many supplies as possibly could fit, in my little Hyundai Excel, and left Batchelor to move to Queensland.

We missed you terribly and we know how much you missed all of us too but you would often drive over and stay with us for awhile. The last time we were lucky enough to have your company for three months, as the centre of Australia flooded and you were not able to drive home. None of us were complaining though.

I had been living in Mission Beach, Queensland for almost 12 months when things started to go wrong in your world. You were made redundant from your employment and due to your age you were having a hard time finding work.

As a Vietnam Vet, you decided to apply for a pension through the Department of Veterans Affairs. Unfortunately this did not go smoothly and it took two years for approval to be granted and receive your first payment.

During this time you were struggling financially and suddenly found yourself homeless, as you could no longer afford your rent.

I was honoured to be able to return a favour. I will never forget how you had saved me from the streets ten years before, by opening up your home and your heart to me and I now did the same for you. I still had my house in Batchelor and it was perfect for you as you never wanted to leave the Northern Territory.

Over the next 20 years, you occupied my house in Batchelor and loved living there. To be honest, it was the only reason I had not sold the property. You regularly used to comment that you would love to buy it from me if you ever won lotto.

During all these years you were always at the end of the telephone if I ever needed help or a shoulder and the reverse also applied. We had lost count the amount of times we have been there for each other.

In 2020, you started complaining about a very painful back. This injury had, in fact, put you in hospital twice in recent months. However, the hospital kept sending you home with strong pain killers, instead of doing the right thing and finding the cause of the pain.

Your son Nathan, who lived in Adelaide, was extremely upset that the medical profession was not looking after you, as was I. Nathan decided to fly up to Darwin on the 5 August 2020 to take you, to whatever medical professional necessary, to help you with your pain and to find, and fix, the cause. I was so happy to hear Nathan was going up there to help.

I rang you on Monday 3 August to check how you were going. Do you remember?

I had to ring four times before you answered and as you can imagine, I was starting to panic. You apologised and explained you had been laying down. Now I knew how bad it was because I had never known you to lay down during the day. Never!

We talked for a few minutes and you said you would get Nathan to ring me Wednesday afternoon/evening so that we could sort out what you owed me in rent. I told you not to stress over that as we could work it all out later.

You then explained that you had to go as you needed to go back and lay down. I knew for certain now that you were in unbearable pain.

I remember two things you said to me just before you hung up.

Firstly, you sadly explained that they wanted you to leave my house as they said you couldn’t look after himself.

“Darling, I don’t ever want to leave here as I love this house,” you explained.

You then went on to say, “Darling I love you.”

I told you I loved you too and you hung up.

Now we have spanned 30 years of friendship and never, and I mean never, have we ever said the words “I love you,” to each other. We never needed to say them as we both knew. Now I have to wonder, did you know?

Wednesday, 5 August 2020 at 5pm, my phone rang and I saw it was Nathan. I was expecting his call as you had told me Monday afternoon you would get him to call.

I answered the phone joyfully saying, “Hi Nathan, how are you.”

I was met with silence and then I heard Nathan sobbing. I knew and all I could say was, “no, no, no, no, no!”

You were gone. You had left this earthly plane and had died at home, in my house, as you would have wanted too.

Did you give up because they were trying to make you leave your home?

I will alway have my doubts.

Did you know on Monday afternoon, that would be our last conversation? Is that why you told me you loved me for the very first time?

I was devastated and to this day I am struggling to cope with the loss of such a monumental hero missing from my life. In fact the grief was so intense that three weeks after I heard the news I ended up in hospital with chest pains. They believed that I was suffering from takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as broken heart syndrome.

At first they believed I was having a heart attack but when they completed a scan they noticed an enlarged area of my heart and asked me if I had been under intense stress lately. I explained my loss and that’s when they diagnosed it as takotsubo cardiomyopathy.

It was a couple of days after I was discharged from hospital that it was both your Birthday and Father’s Day on the same day. I had always honoured you on Father’s Day as you were a surrogate father to me all these years.

My boys were heartbroken too, so on the Sunday of your birthday, 6 September, I organised a dinner party and set a place at the head of the table for you.

You were a fantastic cook and our favourites had always been, Rogan Josh and Osso Bucco, always made from scratch. No jar sauce was good enough for you.

So on the day of the dinner party I spent most of the day making these two dishes, from scratch, to honour you, my soul mate and best friend.

We made our peace with your loss that night and it was at this dinner party, through many memory recitations and tears, that we said our goodbyes to a true blue Aussie hero!

I felt you, sitting at the head of the table, smiling at me and telling me once more, “Don’t cry darling, I’ll always be alive in your heart. You don’t need me anymore sweet girl but I’ll be forever watching over you from above.”

You may be gone……….never forgotten………..and always my hero.

I love you old friend.

Yours always,

Colleen xxxxxxx

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Please click the link below my name to read more of my work. I would also like to thank you for taking the time to read this today and for all your support.

If you enjoy this piece, you may enjoy this one too…….a Poem I wrote on the loss of Bruce.