Widowhood

Widowhood…

Widowhood is more than missing your spouses presence, it’s adjusting to an alternate life, it’s growing around a permanent amputation. For some it’s a friend saying I’ll always be there for you and then they disappear from your life.

Widowhood is going to bed for the first time and the thousandth time and the loneliness never feels normal because the empty bed is a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy or comfort but instead you’re submerged in the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around your house yet it doesn’t feel like home because home included a person that’s not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that they will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your shared dreams and plans crumble and vanish in an instant. It’s the painful process of searching for new dreams just for you. Every new victory of planning a new dream includes an awful feeling of grief because their death propelled you into this new path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew and everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life is molded together with another’s and without them you have to find the strength and courage to relearn your likes and goals.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life, it’s going through the motions of what was your life but feeling detached from it, it’s the uneasy feeling of watching yourself from outside your own body. You don’t recognize the person looking back at you in the mirror. The life you lived is a fading memory, yet the heat from the passion and love for the other person still burns within you.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing that if that one person was here to be your support as they had been, you would have the strength to grieve for that very person and if they were here you’d have the ability to tackle the unwanted loss together and take the necessary steps to make it through this life changing event.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart, the pain and the fear you feel, because they were your support, your best friend, your comfortable place.

Widowhood is struggling with your new identity and trying to figure out who you are if not their spouse. You find yourself fearfully drifting to an unknown destination in life, like a child in the driver’s seat, the steering wheel and pedals out of reach.

Widowhood is living in the constant state of missing the single most intimate relationship you’ve had, no hand to hold, nobody next to you saying you’re going to make it through this and be ok. Not having your best friend to share these terrifying experiences amplifies your feelings of loss.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowded room full of people you know as friends and family and feeling sad because whenever you smile even for a moment you feel guilty because you’re alive without your person.

Widowhood is constantly looking back while being pushed forward by time. It’s being hungry without an appetite. It’s running through every emotion a human has and all at once. It’s adapting to forced life changes, it’s frailty, it’s darkness, it’s strength and it’s rebirth.

Widowhood is a road traveled by many yet you must walk it alone.

Widowhood is taking a breath and forcing yourself to take that next step in life.

Widowhood is hoping the pain will subside leaving only the love and positive memories of your spouse remaining.

Widowhood is loneliness, sadness, worrisome, anxiety, fearful, depressed, angry, regret, confusion, homesickness, vulnerable, overwhelming, stressful, powerless, tiresome, disorienting, bitter, helplessness, cruel and feels hopeless.

Widowhood is the hardest thing I’ve experienced but it does not define who I am. Twenty years have passed and I have found love again. Hopelessness turns to hopeful and hope is a powerful force. It’s allowed me to move forward with life, love and happiness.