Why I'm Thankful to Live in CT

You see, your world can change in the blink of an eye, in an absolute instant. It can change for the better, or for the worse, but that's up for your interpretation. Now what happened to me could be a blessing to some and will be a blessing to me at some point in my life, but just not now. Not when I cannot even manage my own mind and responsibilities and emotions and just life in general. I took 2 pregnancy tests the day before my 23rd birthday. I peed on the stick in the parking lot next to my apartment building, while my boyfriend decorated my apartment for my birthday. Gross, I know. He wouldn't let me inside yet, but I had to pee and just bought the tests from Big Y, since my period was about a week late. Never did I expect the line to so clearly appear, and never did I expect to take a second test and have it read the same thing.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I'm all the cliché things: not ready, too young, want to travel. Yet the issue is, those are so true. It's not only those, but the fact that mentally I'm not prepared. I'm still in my selfish phase of life and I will admit that. I can't put others before myself like that yet. I'm not mean I swear but I'm just still navigating this whole adult life thing, and I wouldn't be able to provide a good, stable place for a baby yet. I don't have my career set, I'm not married, I don't have a house. I am not ready to be a mom. Bottom line.

My boobs got bigger, my stomach was cramping more often than not, and I was gagging when brushing my teeth from being so nauseous. I should've known, it should've been obvious, but I was in denial that it would and could not ever be me. I couldn't get pregnant, it wouldn't happen to me. But here I am and yes it did. It's all I think about now and it hasn't even been a week yet. I wake up and I am bloated constantly, and I can't stop thinking about what's going on inside my body. I can't believe it, but I have to because it's the reality. I know I should be thankful and there are women who would do anything to have a baby and this opportunity. Yet, right now I'm not one of them. Maybe I will be in the future. One day, I will be excited to see that same result on that plastic stick. I promise, one day I will be.

With that said, that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel absolutely destroyed and sad once the process is over with. There are endless "what if" questions that I don't think I will ever know the answer. Is it a boy, or a girl? Would it look like my boyfriend more, or me? Who's hair would it have? I don't want my boyfriend to resent me years down the line for this choice. He says he's ok with it, but what if it ruins us later on?

My abortion is planned in 2 days. For once, I'm thankful to live in a state where my choice, is my choice only. Thank you CT for allowing me this choice, and I am so deeply sorry to any women who live in a place where they aren't given this. Please only kind words, I am hurting enough and being mean to myself already.