Why I bought a Louis Vuitton handbag for my imaginary sister

“Why is there a $3000 Louis Vuitton handbag in your closet?”

As I read the SMS from my girlfriend, Vanessa, I was struck with a sudden sense of dread, and the realization that I was going to need to make a confession to her, but it was one that I would struggle to accurately relay over a text message. Yet, I sent the following reply anyway.

“It was a birthday present that I bought my sister”

I watched the message screen and saw the ellipsis flashing, then stop, then start flashing again, then stop. I knew that Vanessa was trying to figure out how to write a follow-up question to a statement that did not make sense. After all, we had been together for over a year, and she knew that I did not have a sister.

I opted to put her out of her misery and sent another message that said, “I’ll be home in an hour, and I can explain it then”.

This time her response came back a lot quicker with a single “Ok”.

As I drove home, I was cursing myself for not getting rid of the bag sooner. We’d decided that Ness would move in a month ago, so I should have anticipated her trying to find space in my closet, and the inevitable discovery of an expensive ladies’ handbag.

I could have easily avoided all this if I’d simply listed it on eBay, or even better if I’d given it to Ness as a present so that she would have thought I had bought it for her all along. Of course, the fact the bag was green would have quickly brought me undone, since she has made it abundantly clear she is not a fan of the color green in any form. I didn’t even think it was a nice color green, it was a brownish-green

As I walked into the apartment, Vanessa’s packing boxes were still scattered everywhere. Some stuff had been moved onto shelves and other knick-knacks had been positioned in locations to allow her claim over some of the territory. Most prominent, however, was that damn green handbag on the kitchen bench. Ness lifted her head from the book she was reading on the couch with an inquisitorial look.

She smiled a very sweet smile, tilted her head to the right, and said, “Hi, how was your day? What’s with the handbag? Oh, and when the fuck did you get a sister?”

I could see this was not going to be an easy story to tell, as I prepared to tell it to her, I struggled to believe that I’d been such a naïve fool, and yet here we were. I walked over to the couch and sat next to her, I took hold of her hand, but she pulled it away. I persevered and took her hand again. I looked into her eyes and said “Now, I need you to remember how you thought it was so sweet that I was such a nervous anxious nerd when we met. Can you do that?”

She let out a little “Hmmmpf”. She continued to look at me with a look of hesitance and disbelief.

I set about telling her the story of Kylie the Louis Vuitton shop assistant, this was the most vulnerable I think I had been in our relationship, more vulnerable than the first time she saw me naked. I’d met Kylie about two years ago, she was a friend of a guy I worked with. She was still at university doing a teaching degree, and she was gorgeous. I can say without a word of a lie that when she went out of her way to talk to me, it made me feel genuinely special. I have never had that much confidence with women, I’m best described as an introvert who tries to engage with people but often fails miserably.

When Kylie talked to me, however, a large amount of my awkwardness slipped away. I was still shy and awkward, but it was easier for me to overcome that when I spoke to her. She had nerdy interests herself including a love for Lego and Star Wars. I could embrace my nerd side and talk to a gorgeous woman about it, without her scanning the room to find someone more interesting to talk to.

During our conversations, she mentioned that she worked part-time as a sales assistant at Louis Vuitton. I showed interest in the product, but only because it allowed me more time to talk with her. I had no need for a fancy handbag, but I was happy to hear her talk about it.

One weekend, I had been to the mall and realized that the store where Kylie worked was in there as well. I felt like getting a glimpse of her, so I found the information kiosk, scanned the key on the map, and identified K4 on level 2 as the location for the Louis Vuitton store. I set off on my merry way.

I got to the store, and casually stood back, trying to see if I could spot Kylie inside. I couldn’t see her, so I moved closer to the window. I spied a male shop assistant, but no sign of Kylie. I almost had my face pressed against the glass when behind me I heard a familiar voice say, “Mark?” I spun around in a second to see Kylie standing behind me, holding a takeaway cup of coffee.

I had been sprung, and I had no doubt that my face was displaying my shock and horror clearly for Kylie to see. I stammered out “Oh, Hi”. I turned back towards the shop and then back to Kylie. As I considered how to say, “I am not a crazy stalker”, she inquired, “Are you looking for a handbag?”

That was it, I was committed, I had to keep up the veneer that I was normal for a little while longer.

“I was actually looking for a handbag for my sister’s 21st birthday”

The words were out before I could really figure out what I was saying. Yes, I knew I didn’t have a sister, but Kylie didn’t. In six months, when we were kicking back lying on the couch together, I confess, “Look I made up my sister when I bought that handbag because I just wanted to meet you”. We would laugh about it; she would tell me that is the most romantic thing she had ever heard, and her heart would be forever mine. It all worked and made sense in my head.

Kylie’s eyes lit up. The smile stretched across her face, and she said “Wow! You are one hell of a brother. Come on, let’s get the right handbag.” Like a happy puppy I followed Kylie into the shop, she waved to the other male shop assistant and put her coffee cup behind the counter. She turned back to me, and said “Does your sister like green? We’ve got a new bag in that would be perfect” I nodded eagerly and replied, “That would be excellent, let’s see it.”

Once again, this puppy followed Kylie to the window of the shop, amongst all the bright sparkly handbags, clutches, purses, and baguette bags she picked up a small green handbag. I wasn’t looking at the bag, instead, I admired Kylie’s elegant hands. the way her fingers curled around the strap I thought how soft her hands looked. Her beaming smile continued to lure me in, all I could think about was how impressed she was that I was buying this thoughtful present for my sister. I will admit now I didn’t pay attention to what the bag looked like, what color it was, or any of the specifics. Enthusiastically I blurted out “That’s it, let’s get that one!”

Now, there were still a lot of things I didn’t know about life at that point, for instance, I didn’t know much Louis Vuitton handbags sold for. I couldn’t understand why Kylie thought I was such a good brother for buying my sister a Louis Vuitton handbag for her 21st birthday. I know do understand.

Kylie scanned the tag on the handbag, and I saw the price appear on the screen.

$3,192.88 screamed back at me.

I am sure that the shocked look Kylie had seen when she caught me out front of the shop paled in comparison to the financial distress coursing through my body manifested in a physical display. Part of me wanted to say, “Oh I forgot my wallet”, turn, run, and never ever come back. I could move to Ecuador, the weather there this time of year is supposed to be nice. Instead, my stupid heart convinced me that a mere $3,192.88 investment was nothing compared to a life of happiness with my dream girl.

I began formulating a strategy that I’d pay (whilst also hoping I had enough money on my credit card), and after the transaction was finalized, I would ask her out. I mean what is the worst that can happen now, I’ve already suffered cardiac arrest.

I was signing the invoice, still rehearsing, “Hey, would you like to grab some dinner next week?” when I heard a man’s voice from behind me. “There’s my girl, the best-looking salesgirl in town!” I hoped that they were talking to someone else, but I knew they weren’t.

So, another thing I didn’t know. Turns out that Kylie had a boyfriend, and had been with him FOR OVER A YEAR! Of course, she’d never mentioned him before. In all our conversations he had not come up once. She introduced to him “Liam, this is Mark”.

Liam? She’s dating a Liam? He was a bit of a knucklehead, not what I would have pictured her with, I guess because I only ever pictured her with me. My heart was crushed. I watched as he held her hand and kissed her on the cheek. I felt uncomfortable, almost voyeuristic. I figured right now, discretion was the better part of valor, so I said “Oh, nice to meet you, see you later Kylie.”

I turned to leave and as I was a couple of steps from the door, I heard Kylie say, “Mark, wait…” I stopped and turned back, excited that she wanted me to stick around. When I turned to face her, she had her arm outstretched holding that damn handbag, “You forgot your sister's handbag.” I nodded and said, “Oh yeah, thanks”. I took the bag and left, dejected and heartbroken.

I got home and threw the biggest, ugliest waste of money in my closet. I saw Kylie a few times after that and now would freely talk about Liam. Every now and then I’d spot that bag discarded under clothes or shoes, and it would remind me how stupid I was.

I finished recounting the story and Vanessa was looking at me with a look that said she felt sorry for me. She hugged me and gently whispered to me, “Oh Mark, you big dumb dumb”.

The next day Ness had it listed for sale online. We put the $2,500 we got for that ugly green bag towards a lovely holiday to Bali. Whilst there, she found a market selling knockoff Louis Vuitton bags, she bought one for herself, and regularly uses it to remind me about that time I bought a $3000 handbag for a sister that didn’t exist.