The five most embarrassing things a five-year-old can say

Have kids they say, it will enrich your life. I’m not disagreeing on that one, but it also opens you up for little human beings to say the most unthinkable things that will either terrify you, embarrass you, or have you asking, “Whose child, are you?” My daughter has dropped some absolute clangers in her short life, and I think it’s only fair that I share them.

Correct anatomical terms

We don’t encourage my daughter to use cutesy nicknames for body parts, we have always been very good at making sure that she understands and uses the proper name for body parts. I mean sometimes she will make up names off her own bat, including calling my wife’s breasts “Little fellas” but my the most part she will use the correct names for things including her vagina.

One day, we were at the airport and put my daughter “up top” (riding on my shoulders). She wanted me to run and jump over some tiles, so I did that a few times. The airport was crowded, and people were everywhere. Then my little angel decided to declare, at the top of her lungs “Dad, can you stop now, it’s hurting my vagina!” I stopped immediately, I took her off my shoulders and I palmed her off to her Mum until we collected our bags and were well and truly out of the terminal.

What’s that smell?

I like going to the shops with my daughter, I mean sure, she can be embarrassing but it’s nice to get out of the house and see what things she likes. Also, if we combine going to a café and a few other things it makes for a nice outing. But other times, I wished I had left her at home.

One day she and I went to a department store looking for some Lego (we won’t get into who the Lego was for). We had just paid and were walking away from the cash register when the 2-foot-tall megaphone with me yelled out “Dad! Did you fart?” (I had not). There were probably ten to twelve ladies in my general vicinity who all immediately stared at me. Trying to diffuse the situation, I said in a loud voice, “No kiddo, I did not fart!” but she was having none of it, she replied “It smells like one of your stinky farts”. I grabbed her hand and in haste headed for the exit.

I’m sure store security thought I looked like I had just shoplifted and was trying to do a runner.

What does Mum do all day?

This one comes into the “where did you hear that?” category, but my daughter and I had been out. While we were out my wife had cleaned the house extensively, including picking up and putting away my daughter’s toys that had been left all through the house. When we got home, my wife was talking to us about what we had been up to while we were out. We gave a blow-by-blow description of our adventures.

Obviously wanting to appear interested, my daughter asked, “what did you do while we were out Mom?” My wife was a little disappointed that the tornado had not noticed that the mess she had created had been cleaned up, so she replied, “What do you think Mom did while you were out?” Without missing a beat my daughter made a gesture with her hand to her mouth of someone drinking and said, “Glug glug?”

I should have learned by now that when she says things like that to not laugh, but I have not.

Honest customer feedback

I don’t take my daughter out to eat much, mostly because I fear that her lack of filter will result in someone spitting in my food. I don’t think it’s fair that I should get punished for her behavior. One day, however, I got roped into a lunch for the Mother-in-law’s birthday. There were a few of us, and they are all rude so I was hoping it would dilute my daughter’s mouth. She ordered a ham and cheese toastie, we didn’t realize that it also had tomato on it, my daughter hates tomatoes.

The waiter came around shortly afterward to see how our meals were. My daughter looked this poor guy square in the eyes and said, “It was DISGUSTING”. Before I had the chance to explain my daughter’s dislike for tomatoes, the waiter was gone. On the way out that day, the kitchen and wait staff were all eyeballing me, I am never going back there again.

Oh, that’s where she gets it from.

It’s not fair to lump all this on my daughter. I was a mouthy kid or would say embarrassing stuff a lot. My Dad went away regularly for work and as a treat, Mom would let either my sister or I sleep in the big bed with her each night Dad was away.

One time Dad went away, but my sister and I had been fighting so as punishment, Mom wouldn’t let us sleep in the big bed. When we went to pick Dad up from the airport at the end of the week, I ran up to him, in front of a crowd of people. I yelled at the top of my lungs “Dad, nobody got to sleep with Mom while you were away, it wasn’t fair!”