Who is this I see in the mirror?

During a time of surviving life, I woke up after the storm walking thru what was left behind, I didn’t really know who I was or where did I fit in. Here I was, a woman that had survived two failed marriages, divorce, single parenting, depression, regrets, emotional breakdown, and identity loss. So what now? That was the question I faced with empty nest and all this time to do whatever I wanted to do. Except for one thing, I had nothing to do. I feared falling back into depression, but I was determined that I would find me and continue to be the strong woman that came out of all of this standing. The sound of the quiet was so noisy each day I woke up with a plan to do nothing. As a woman that wore so many hats, I needed to be fulfilled and I needed something to do. All that time of just trying to hang on and survive, it never crossed my mind that one day my days and nights would all look the same. I had no one to grow old with. The children had left to start their own journeys. My friends had their spouses. All of my peers had retired and just enjoying the fruits of their labor. But as a late bloomer and working jobs to just make it over, I was still out of my league.

Spending time with me, I had to figure out why I’m so different. I wanted to know why my plan was so abstract and why is it still being written. So I had to begin to accept the difference in my life and stop comparing my successes to another. I had to enjoy my own victories and reign in the glory of my own accomplishments. Certain things about myself that use to depress me was something I finally embraced as unique. And instead of trying to change it, I channeled it into a passion to plan the second half of my life. The quirkiness of opinions, beliefs, ideas, and inspirations I have are what makes me. I realized whatever I do in this time in my life is what identifies me, and it has been the lifeline to my survival. But now, I can actually enjoy them just because, and begin to like me. I’m no longer going to feel ashamed because I don’t fit into a preset outline of what I should be. I’m just going to Be.

Whether you are a neurosurgeon or a basket weaver selling out of the trunk of your car, you are an individual with unique gifts and talents that only you own. We are a crafted design that doesn’t have a match. True we may possess similarities to another, but it is not a copy. In search of a true identity, that’s a great place to start. In this walk, we want so desperately to belong and to be accepted by others. This desire comes without permission. It seems to be a job to work at not feeling this way or to just accept not belonging. It is a true desire. Sometimes this desire causes our purpose and who we are to fade. When you compound this with years, identity becomes lost and sometimes you don’t even know what has happened. So other issues arise such as depression, feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness because you don’t know who you are anymore trying to satisfy wanting to belong.

So now the children are out of the house, no one has a high need for me anymore, I began to see I left my identity back there somewhere during my fight to stay alive, during my struggle to be loved, during my struggle to have friends, during my struggle to work a job I felt unfulfilled, during a time my purpose was buried underneath all this weight of life happening. Some would call this, a mid-life crisis. But instead I would like to call it reintroducing myself to me. This period can be a great time to get to know who you are, what do you like, what are your dream and aspirations, what do you want to do. It can be an adventure that doesn’t have to be labeled as a negative time in life, but a beginning of a new era that you have been favored to live. I have to say this part of my story is still being written but I’m looking forward to the ride, the joy, bumps and all.