Can I please get a DO OVER

As I grew older, I realized life happening had provided me with a two way mirror. I could look forward, but I could also see what I left behind. Standing in the midst of these reflections, I felt regret and sorrow. Partly because I was overcome with the reality of never being able to change it. I was paralyzed in that space for years. I raised my kids in that room of regrets. I began new relationships in that room. I worked a career in that room. I hated myself. Although I could see and feel deliverance, I could not embrace it because it felt so out of reach for me. I believed that too many mistakes and bad choices gave me the keys to accept a life where I was disappointed in myself. I owned occupancy.

Learning from my bad choices showed me what it should have been. I was not able to handle this awareness. It was a weight I carried for two decades of my adult life. In spite of my bad history with Church, I attended various churches searching for some relief. I would get high on worship, and it would feel so good to be in an atmosphere of what I believe to be a connection with my Creator. My quick fix would be to enter a sanctuary of others that were broken like me and be caught up in praise and worship,

It would be short lived because eventually I had to return to myself. No one knew the pain and torment I carried of feeling worthless. I wished so many dark days for a chance to do it all over again knowing that could never be. My prayers would be, grant me a do over, a request that can’t be granted in a sense I so desperately desired. Living life with regrets robbed me of years that I had the lessons learned and the awareness to live life more informed with wisdom. I lived my life walking forward but turned backwards to have a constant view of the past. I gained new experiences but packed them on top of my hurt. I believed that this was my worth and I accepted this life. To reveal this now is setting me free to tell someone else there is life beyond regrets. I accepted my past and I accepted that it has made me who I am today, a woman with a testimony of survival.

One day, I was on the road traveling, and I was faced with myself. I took a long look at my life. I added up the years of what I believed to be wasted. I asked my Creator, why am I still here? I continued to view my life grasping for a reason for my existence, pondering what could be gained. I had so many rooms of regret. This long hard look helped me to go to each room one by one and unpack this unwanted baggage. This was the first day of deliverance. It was a long journey back, but it was a start.

So many live in this space. It’s a place of disappointment, self-worthlessness, helplessness, powerless, embarrassment, and depression. Many may even medicate this torment. The real answer comes from the Creator. The broken pieces of the past have been shattered to so many different pieces that it has to be discarded. So of course, in realness, that is a life that is broken beyond repair. But here’s the catch, you’re still here. Every day you wake up and given the gift of today is another chance to live that day with the knowledge and wisdom gained from yesterday. Every day that you make up in your mind to do that is another step gained out of regret. It is not easy. I lived this. I began this journey and I started to feel strong as if someone were helping me to walk this path. I was able to stand straight and continue to walk. Every so often my mind would reflect but it was different during this walk, but only to see how far I had come. It was a reflection to hold and tell someone else it’s a journey that can be made and the only task is just wake up and walk. Live that day with new possibilities and promise. It’s not the end if you woke up. If you are reading this, it’s not the end. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life. Don’t forget your past, overcome it. And then tell someone else, it is life after regret.

As a survivor, I want to share a story. As a young woman, I perceived myself as an underachiever. I was always behind my peers. I grew into this walk of life believing I would never have the same accomplishments as others. The proof was definitely visible as I struggled many years to mirror what I saw others doing. I didn’t have my own dreams or aspirations. My choices made were either playing the hand of someone else or fighting to survive my bad choices. I laid a solid foundation for the house of regret. I was in a race to go nowhere. Teaching my children and learning myself was all coming from the same place. I faked it, I learned it, and I taught it. I woke up every day trying and failing all in the same day. My end would look exactly like my beginning. I was just marching in place while my peers were moving forward in success. Meanwhile my biggest accomplishment was falling down with just enough strength to stand again. As difficult as this was, with a shred of determination, I was able to just be proud of the accomplishment of not giving up. There is a path out of regret. It is the road that says, you’re still here. And that’s another opportunity. It doesn’t look a certain way. No one is wearing what this should be. You create what you want it to be. Trying to create happiness is a chore, joy comes from being ok with you, who you are, and what you have. Without joy, happiness is temporary. Joy is the key to being happy with you. I have gained the wisdom that regardless of what is accomplished or the lack of, true contentment comes from within, the acceptance of your own being, and the dreams that mirror no one else. It requires to spend time with yourself and learn you. Fall in love with the person you were created to be. Accept mistakes and bad choices as a ladder to success because you now have the knowledge of the wrong way and the map to go another direction. Make every alphabet count towards your story of deliverance. No matter what day is in your life, this can be applied if nothing more than just passing it on to someone else. You woke up today. That’s another chance.

My son had a best friend during high school. He had severe family issues. My son who has the biggest heart of anyone I know wanted to take him in with us. As much as I didn’t want to do anything to come between him and his mother, I hesitantly agreed. My son and I went to his house to pick him up. There waiting was his best friend on the street curb, and suddenly as we arrived, his mom met us head on. She was shouting in hysterics that she was totally against this. Although her son had already turned eighteen, I still felt this may not be the right decision for anyone. We took him home with us. The situation was rocky at best. He shared disturbing experiences with us. I offered as much help and support I knew to give. But it never seemed to be enough. His situation was bigger than us. My son wanted to stand by him, no matter the cost. A few days later, I got a call from his mother. She wanted to talk mother to mother. I could feel the anxiety and worry in her voice in spite of her son’s profound plea that she did not love him. She asked me to promise to send her son back home because there were mental issues I didn’t begin to know about concerning him. She appealed to my heart as a mother and her son pulled on the heart strings of my son. There I was stuck in an impossible situation. I made the decision to send him back home to his mother. This nearly ripped his heart out and deeply saddened my son. I didn’t know a better way but to allow his mother to help him and to also keep my son safe. I hoped this was the best path for her son to get the help he needed for the issues she shared in that phone conversation. I had been deeply invested in helping him believing he had no family support. But after the talk, I was convinced this was the right thing to do. To be candid, I was made to believe that our safety was in jeopardy. Several months later, we received the news that this young man committed suicide. For a long stretch. I felt guilt and regret that I didn’t stand up for him more. I felt so bad that a big part of me sent him home because I was afraid of him. I felt regret that I didn’t do more than just send him back home. Over and over, I have played this scene in my mind trying to grab anything that would exonerate my guilt. There was nothing. The only thing available was to just let it go. It’s regret. It’s torment of wondering if I could have done or said something different to change this horrific timeline. Truth is, the memory will never go away, but dealing with the regret will preserve my today.

Memories such as this will visit but it’s how we face the memories that makes the difference in our today. The anxiety of not being able to go back can consume you. It’s a daily walk out of regret. Each day is a new day to accept that these regretful memories can’t be rewritten. That’s when it is time to dissect them, pull out the good, hang on tight and ride that good memory to a path of healing. The memory is a part of yesterday but today is a new gift to open.