Whispers Of The Dark

I just sometimes want to disappear. The feeling is clenched so tight into my chest that it makes breathing painful. The weight of everything feels like a gigantic stone placed upon me, crushing my spirit.

Demons, murmuring inside my head; some of those voices echo doubt and fear in my mind. My fears swallow me and suck my pain like a vampire would to grow stronger each day. Most likely, the kind of storm raging inside that continues to tear me apart, piece by piece.

The tears run down my face as if it is the way it is supposed to be. Only crying seems to be the release, the only kind of letting out of the overwhelming sadness. With every tear, I feel that a piece of my broken heart is being carried away, and it feels as if I will not stop crying.

"Breathe! Just breathe," I keep telling my mind time and again. "This will pass. It's just a phase." But deep down, it feels like a lie. The darkness seems endless, and one is not able to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I try to pray, holding on by a thread of hope. I do clutch it so desperately, yet the darkness appears so very thick and heavy, choking off all light of hope. All that I feel is hurt and pain, and I feel no way out.

I see a girl, all smiling and beautiful, young, sweet, loved. I wish I could be her. Then the closer I look, the farther away she seems—just a fuzzy memory from long ago. Then, suddenly, as if out of the blue, it dawns on me—it's me. It's not a memory or someone far away. It's me. That girl used to be me. So full of life, so happy. And now, I'm just an outer shell, merely a shadow of the one I used to be.

Nobody sees, nobody understands. I laugh and smile, but in secret, I am hopeful that somebody can see beyond this mask. I wish a person could see, feel the pain within my eyes, the sadness behind the smile. But everybody seems blind to what I am going through.

It does hurt. I am confused, tired, frustrated, desperate. Each day feels like a fight, and I am really weary of fighting. I want to give up, let the darkness take over, but a small part of me just will not allow me to give up.

This is my weakness, my Achilles' heel, and I will not give in. I have demons, but I will believe the light makes the darkness go away. I have to believe it, since it's the only thing keeping me moving.

I will crawl, fight, claw my way out if I must. I will survive. I have to. It will no longer be just a prayer. It will no longer be some faraway dream.

It will be me. I will find my way back.

Each step hurts, but I take another and another. I am not going to let the darkness win. I hold on to hope; things can get better, that I can find my way back to being that girl again I once was.

I remember her smile, her joy, and her strength. I am trying to channel that energy, telling myself that deep down, I am still her. That means I am a great deal more than just a shadow. I am still alive, still fighting.

And I'll keep fighting. I will find the light, even when it feels impossible. I will keep breathing, praying, and hoping. I will get through the storm and emerge out the other side stronger for it.

I know it won't be easy. There will be days when the darkness feels overwhelming, that desire creeping up inside me to give up. But I won't. I can't. I have to believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel, that I can find my way back to happiness.

So I keep going, one step at a time. I keep fighting, keep hoping, and keep believing. Because someday, I will be me again. I am going to find my way back to that bright, smiling girl. And when I do, then the darkness finally will disappear.