When I Was the One

"True love." Some people don't believe in it. What are your thoughts on it? Others may have their own definition of it. I assume you imagine true love as a lovely path where problems rarely arise if any at all. Or even someone that loves you back forever. Mine felt one-sided. I met a certain boy for the first time when he was 12 and I was 13. This one boy changed everything for me. This includes my perspective and my views.

This boy was and is my true love. Well, there was a point it seemed like that. The reason I think that is because I've had an undying interest in him for seven long years ongoing. I don't think it ever changed for me, but maybe it has for him. I should probably give him a name. His name is Steven. But what I will say is that he was the worst thing that came into my life. But I thought he was your true love? Funny how things work out.

He is the worst thing that came into my life because he is like a drug. He was unhealthy for me but took my pain away. I want to say I wish I never met him out of spite, but I know that isn't true.

On the other hand, I think that he is one of the most influential people in my life because he had been a part of every decision I made for multiple years. Perhaps not literally but I kept in mind "what would he do in this situation?" am obsessed with him. I wish I wasn't so fixated. Sometimes I'd keep quiet during our quarrels to satiate him and so the argument would end. He told me, "You can't be so passive when it comes to us talking one-on-one like this." Essentially, he was telling me to use my own voice. I can't tell if my passivity made him angry or not. But when I did use my voice, it caused the problem. Contradictory, no?

Like many high school romances, you expect them to last forever. Very few do. This relationship was almost like a rollercoaster for four years that I wish lasted longer. I say this because we were dating on and off. He often gave me the silent treatment and I distracted him from school. I believe I was too tenacious in a way. Too clingy. I just needed to give him time and space to excel in school.

This relationship was a beautiful dream. Too good to be true even. Perhaps I viewed the whole ordeal through rose-colored glasses. We broke up a few times for absolutely idiotic reasons but always found our way back to each other. When I asked him why he always came back, he simply said it was because he stuck through high hell with me.

Until there came a day, it was right before my 18th birthday, he decided to decline my invitation to my birthday party. It was not through words, it was through blocking my phone number.

I know everyone thinks this is a toxic relationship. My family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers disagreed with the relationship. They all said that both of us were in the wrong.

Two years have passed and I have a new lover now but I still cannot stop thinking about what could have been. Steven will always be my everything. Though part of me is screaming, This is your fault. You broke me in mind, spirit, and soul. Another part of me is crying, Why do I want you to come back so badly?